Struggling to matter

On the surface I know my life seems perfect. I am in college and not in debt like all the other students. I have no job but yet all of my bills are paid. My parents support me finanically and that is just how things are. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food when I need it. So what could I possibly have to complain about? What could possibly be wrong with my life?

I want so many things for my life. I want to be smart, beautiful, compassionate. I want to that person people want to know. I want to be the person someone would not think twice about loving. I want to feel good about myself and know that I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to matter to people. I want them to see me- to look at me- and respect what I want. That I need to thrive in this world.

When I look in the mirror all I see are flaws. I see my scars from my excema. I see the stretch marks on hips from all the weight. I see how fat I am. I see someone that isn't worth anything- someone sociey forces to hide in the shadows. A part of me knows that what I am writing completely stupid but this is the truth. Everytime I look in the mirror I pray that I look decent enough for people NOT to notice me.

What no one realizes is how broken I really am inside. How completely worthless I feel about myself and my role in the world. I have all of the materialistic things I need to succeed on some level in society, but I need more. I feel like I am dying inside, bit by bit. I try so hard to have faith in something. To fight for myself. But when I finally feel like I am making progress, something snaps me back to reality.

Did you know how often my mom used to tell me I need(ed)to eat less and lose weight? I would be so much prettier and people would like that more. I realize what I look like. I have accepted that maybe I am not meant to be thin. But everytime my mom says something like that to me, I die a little inside.

Everytime someone asks me why I have so many scars, I die a little inside.
Everytime I try to fight for myself, I realize it is me against the rest of the world. I'm slowly dying inside and nobody knows. I cannot tell anyone because they wouldn't understand. I'm alone. Actually, it is just a constant battle with myself. The flawed versuses the ideal.

I am so tired of hurting. Of feeling this broken inside. Regardless of how hard I try I cannot seem to break through all of this. I do not want to fight this battle by myself but I don't have anyone who will help me fight it.

I just can't meet what is expected of me. I can't be the intelligent, responsible, beautiful, successful person THEY want me to be.

I'm failing. At everything. I don't even want to waste my time fighting for myself anymore. Why fight when it doesn't seem to matter. I always do what people want me to do anyway, right? My mom actually told me the other day, "just do it and make your dad happy." Screw what I want and what will make me happy. Just fuck it.