Free write

The silver lining

To reach this point and have no leverage.
To realize I have no societal value-
My mind races and my stomach churns.
I have the means to take a stand.
I need to take this stand
for me.
For what I want- what I need.

The unseen forces of reality
continuously knock me down.
way down- to where I just might belong.

Blind faith is all I have- all I am left grasping for
In hopes that there is a light at the end
Of that tunnel I hear so much about.
That things will work out in the end.

I desperately seek that silver lining-
Within these clouds, surrounding my very existence.
I climb back up in hopes of standing on my own
To believe that I, too, can reach the glistening lining of hope.
With my finger tips reaching- just barely grazing
the mystical hope inspiring silver lining of these dark clouds.

Just when my finger tips inch closer to hope,
the overwhelming sense of reality smacks into me,
Yet again.
My fingers close and grasp nothing. Emptiness.
My heart grasps nothing but despair.

Once again I gather the courage to stand yet again
for me not them.
But within a blink of an eye, it pulls away
Like the waves of an endless ocean.
Lost and alone. That’s all I have.

With that one moment, I finally understand.
There is no silver lining within my grasps.
Within my means.
Left with only my own desire to stand tall once more,
I can only hope that believing in faith
Rather than having is
Will really be enough.

At least for me.

Confidence

Today has been one of those days I will later choose not to remember. It is true when they say, "when it rains, it pours."

I want to have the ability to feel confident in the decision I make in life. As I grow older, I realize there will be many decisions I will have to face in the future and I know I will make them. But I am terrified that I will not know which is the right one to make. I constantly find myself doubting whether or not I did the right thing and that only results in me agnonizing over the situation for quite some time. It just kills me inside. I want to be the person decides something and acts on it. I want to think, act and be happy with it. What's done is done, right?

I am terrified that this constant state of doubt is going to cause me to remain in this identity. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I would give anything to walk around in the world feeling like I belonged in this skin. To create an image and air of confidence in which people would take notice and respect. I don't want to be the the girl people walk all over to get what THEY want in exchange for what I was trying to get. Why is it always at the expense of my happiness?

I learned in class that people will not change and or accept advice unless they are ready to. I understand that but I am sitting here wanting so badly to change. I am ready but where is the help? Where is the change? I want someone to grab me by the shoulders and magically instill me with the knowledge and confidence I need to make it in the world.

The more I study psychology the more I start to pick out traits that I find in myself. I need saving. I need a change. I need to feel like me.

For once, please, I need to do this for myself. I don't know who I am pleading to but please guide me towards a light that will save me from the darkness I have encased myself in. Let me break through and show the world the person I just might be or even the person I so desperately desir to be.

I want my life.

Struggling to matter

On the surface I know my life seems perfect. I am in college and not in debt like all the other students. I have no job but yet all of my bills are paid. My parents support me finanically and that is just how things are. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food when I need it. So what could I possibly have to complain about? What could possibly be wrong with my life?

I want so many things for my life. I want to be smart, beautiful, compassionate. I want to that person people want to know. I want to be the person someone would not think twice about loving. I want to feel good about myself and know that I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to matter to people. I want them to see me- to look at me- and respect what I want. That I need to thrive in this world.

When I look in the mirror all I see are flaws. I see my scars from my excema. I see the stretch marks on hips from all the weight. I see how fat I am. I see someone that isn't worth anything- someone sociey forces to hide in the shadows. A part of me knows that what I am writing completely stupid but this is the truth. Everytime I look in the mirror I pray that I look decent enough for people NOT to notice me.

What no one realizes is how broken I really am inside. How completely worthless I feel about myself and my role in the world. I have all of the materialistic things I need to succeed on some level in society, but I need more. I feel like I am dying inside, bit by bit. I try so hard to have faith in something. To fight for myself. But when I finally feel like I am making progress, something snaps me back to reality.

Did you know how often my mom used to tell me I need(ed)to eat less and lose weight? I would be so much prettier and people would like that more. I realize what I look like. I have accepted that maybe I am not meant to be thin. But everytime my mom says something like that to me, I die a little inside.

Everytime someone asks me why I have so many scars, I die a little inside.
Everytime I try to fight for myself, I realize it is me against the rest of the world. I'm slowly dying inside and nobody knows. I cannot tell anyone because they wouldn't understand. I'm alone. Actually, it is just a constant battle with myself. The flawed versuses the ideal.

I am so tired of hurting. Of feeling this broken inside. Regardless of how hard I try I cannot seem to break through all of this. I do not want to fight this battle by myself but I don't have anyone who will help me fight it.

I just can't meet what is expected of me. I can't be the intelligent, responsible, beautiful, successful person THEY want me to be.

I'm failing. At everything. I don't even want to waste my time fighting for myself anymore. Why fight when it doesn't seem to matter. I always do what people want me to do anyway, right? My mom actually told me the other day, "just do it and make your dad happy." Screw what I want and what will make me happy. Just fuck it.

Distance?

Let's say there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who will make you incredibly happy for the rest of your life. Let's say that perfect someone lives "too far" away? What if two people never take that risk? What is they make the distance out to be more than it really is? What if they never get a chance to cross paths?

Does that mean regardless of how perfect these two people are for each other, it isn't worth trying? When did love become more about convience rather than feeling?

This. Frustrates. Me.

fuck it.

Ma Vie

People often tell me that life is what you make it out to be. You are the only one who makes the decisions and you are the one who deals with the consequences. Lately between my friends and I, there have been numerous converstaions revolving around the idea of whether or not fate exists. Personally, I thin these two topics overlap. Can you really have full control of your life when things are already fated to go in a certain direction?

I believe that things do happen for a reason- whether you are able to fully understand the reasoning behind it or not. I believe that even if things are exceptionally difficult at the moment, light will shed over the situation in the future and you will learn the lesson that was intended. I do not believe in luck. I believe that the decisions you make in your life pave the road to how things are meant to come together in the long run. People are allowed to make mistakes in the hope that they will learn from them. You live, you love, you hurt, you grow and you LEARN.

If fate does exist, the troubles that people experience on a daily basis are a test of character/will/inner strength. You are not given a task that is more than you can handle. It is through times of hardship that people take the opportunity to learn and grow into the person they are meant to become. But it is the path that you take on the road to that self actualizing self that establishes that ideal person.

Do not let things defeat you. I just need to keep reminding myself that things do happen for a reason and to keep my head up. Someday I will be able to live my life for myself. I will be able to make my own decisions according to what I truly believe. I will live my life without fear of what others may think- especially at the exspense of losing own self in the process. I struggle with finding the inner strength to take a stand and make myself known to the rest of the world. I struggle with finding people in my life who will accept me for what I bring, rather than create expectations for me to live up to- regardless of whether or not I can fulfill them.

I am tired of being a disappointment to them when all I am trying to do is find my own path.

Love-aphobia?

I recently discovered a blog of which I quite enjoy reading. The author writes (quite eloquently) about a lost love and the struggle she experiences in moving forward all while battling her thoughts and emotions. I think she is brilliant. She is able to capture the things I think and feel but actually succeed in putting them into words for others to read and relate to. For that, I admire. I attempt to do that but what I intend to say or rather write, often gets lost in translation. One subject She brought up was the idea of being afraid to love verses being afraid to be loved.

I have been hurt quite a bit in the few years I have been dating. There have been many tears shed over the relationship failures I have experienced. Specificially Seth, Mike, and Jesse. I sincerely think they had the biggest impact on my life and the woman I have become. I approach relationships and or dating in a very cautious manner because of them. My past relatonships act as lessons of what (not) to do in the future. After all that hurt- all that pain- I still find myself jumping headfirst into something when my heart tells me to.

I do not believe I am afraid of being loved. I seem to desire that feeling more than anything at the moment. I want to be loved and treated like I am worthwhile. I am, however, afraid of being hurt. JN told me that he would rather "be alone than get hurt again." As a result he is shuttig himself down to protect himself. Part of me does understand this but the other optimistic side hates this. I understand what it feels like to have your heart broken (cue Seth). But I do not think I would give up on the chance of finding someone else to love again. If I shut myself down, will I miss out on meeting someone truly wonderful?

After Seth I felt lost and completely alone. I told myself I would not love anyone else. Then I met Jesse. And then Mike. I obviously loved again and although those relationships did not end the way I would have liked them to, I proved to myself that I was worthwhile. That I could love again. Having the strength to move on each time have given more faith in not giving up. There has to be someone out there for me. Someone who is willing to take the same risks that I am in order to find that one person who complements me.

Perhaps my past has given me several different view points on how to view relationships and dating. I know I am a lot more cynical than I should be at this age. I honestly wish I was not this way. I miss my innocent, optimistic self. I miss believing in the happily ever after. I miss being able to trust someone with my whole self. I am so different now.

When someone tells me how great I am or how beautiful I am, I cannot bring myself to believe them. It takes someone special to make me feel as though they are telling the truth. And only a select few have been able to do that. As of late, JN was the one who I believed last. I just wish he would allow himself to try again- to not be afraid of being loved. I miss how he used fight for what he believed in.

Love in all of its' glory is a risk. It is an experience and a life lesson. It can break you and build you back up. It does not stand the test of time but rather grows and evolves- for the better or for the worse.

Forever and then some

I often find myself thinking about my life and how I got to where I am. Lately, the focus has been more on the relationship aspect of my life. I look around me and I constantly see couples who are either seriously invovled, engaged or already married. I cannot help but think about how close I was to having all of that. But then I snap back to reality and realize that it would not end with a happily ever after. But that just makes me think I failed, yet again.

Ideallly I would still be engaged. He and I would get married and everything would work out. We would stay in love and grow old together. We would support each other in anything and everything we decide to do. But I know that would not happen if I had stayed with him. But my heart just wants it SO badly. When I think about what I want in a future significant other and or spouse, I honestly do not think I am asking for too much. Is it wrong to just want someone to love me for me? For all the good and the bad? To want someone to continuously support me and want to work through things when they get bad? Is it wrong to want to be able to find someone who will want to grow old with me as much as I want to with them? I am not asking for materialistic things. I am just asking for acceptance. Growth. Motivation. I want someone who will fight for what they want in life. Be motivated to work towards something- anything.

I guess this is the best time and place to be honest- if there is ever such a thing. I am so scared that I will end up alone. I realize that I will always have my family and a select few friends, but I honestly do fear never finding someone to romantically love me and accept me for the rest of my life. I am not saying that I have completely given up, but I honstly am losing hope. I would not say things have been going my way with regards to the people I date. I do not know if I trust too easily or if I choose to ignore the bad because I want that love and acceptance SO badly. Do I settle? Is that why this is constanly happening?

This fear of mine...it seems as though it is tied directly with why I started online dating. There is someting about being able to emotionally and mentally connect with someone through talking and exchanging messages. I believe that it gives two people the opportunity to really know the ins and outs of the person. That is how I feel about JN. I truly believe he knows me. We have never met but we connected over something more. I am not disregarding that a physical connection is important, but I do not think it is the most important part. For instance, there could be the most goregous girl but with the intellect of a gold fish. What happens then? Perhaps someday when JN and I meet, things will just end there. I do not think too highly of my appearance, so that is what I think.

But at this moment in time, as much as I would like to see how he and I might play out, I do not have that opportunity. The distance is too great, apparently. But really, is it fair that I have to have my mind focused on him? I cannot get him off my mind even though he has no obligation to me. I just want my chance. What if we are meant to be together? Is distance really going to keep us apart?

I guess so...especially considering the situation.

I wish...

The more I think about you, about us, the more I realize how much I wish the good times were enough to make things work.

Distracted.

I can't focus on anything else besides you. What could have been. What CAN be.

I need you to do the right thing. Please.

I never told me....you never told me.

I never even had you, so I don't understand why I am feeling this way.
The moment I read those words, I thought I actually felt my heart drop.
I believed everything you said to me. I trusted you. I wanted to give you
that second chance. I wanted to see what we have and if it could really
be what it feels like to me. I wanted to fight for something and have it be
because I wanted to do it. I didn't want to play the "what if" game anymore.
Not with you.

You made me believe that you didn't either. That you wanted to see if this
was something real. You made me nervous. You were thinking about how crazy this
all is. You had things to tell me. But the instant I asked you where I stood with
you- it all changed.

In that ONE instant, you changed the game on me. It wasn't about finding out things
together. You made your own decision. You said it didn't feel right to try. I don't
understand that. Don't you owe me a better explaination? Don't you owe it to me to
tell me WHY you suddenly are ready to give up on everything without trying? I need to
know what you were thinking. I need to know everything. I don't want to live with
these what ifs again. Please, not again.

What are you hiding from me? What aren't you telling me? I'm begging you to talk to
me. I'm begging you not to walk out of my life again. I would rather have you as
my friend than nothing at all. I sincerely mean that. I would love to tell you
this myself but you are ignoring me. I can't figure you out. You either don't
want the trouble of trying to be with me or you found someone else- again.

Save me from myself. Save me from believing that once again, I wasn't worth
fighting for.

Ugh

you claim to be straight forward. i thought i figured you out. i thought i knew what you wanted.



I'm starting to think I was completely wrong. be honest, please- because you are driving me crazy!!!!!

heart day?

Valentines day is coming up fast. And once again I'm single. This is really not sitting well but I actually find myself not missing Him that much. I guess I really did the right thing.

On the other hand, I am missing talking to someone else. Completely unrelated to the aforementioned matter. I shouldn't even be missing this person. Argh. If someone wants to talk to you, they will. It's a fact.

but of course

today marks the last day i cry for you.
the last day we were together.
there is no engagement.
there is no future.
we're done.


and yet again, i am single.

How long does it take to fall out of love?
Does it happen faster when you are left alone to defend yourself?

ugh

I'm all hung up on you and you don't even exist in my life. How's that for a slap in the face. Thanks, LIFE.

Worse than being misunderstood is not being understood at all to begin with

All my life, I have not been able to go to my mom about anything. The relationship I had with her while growing up was strictly a parent/child relationship. We were not friends. We would not bond over anything. We had our roles and that is how it had to be. I remember there was one time when I decided I wanted a strong bond between us- like the bond my friends had with their moms.

In the eighth grade, I found out that some of my best friends were cutting themselves. This scared me and I tried to confront them about it. They told me that if i said anything to anyone, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. I made the choice to do the right thing. I made the choice to put the situation in the hands of someone who could ensure their safety. I told. And they were not my friends after that. I came home crying to my mom and told her all about it. I expected a comforting hug or words of encouragement, but all I got was "you shouldn't hang out with people like that." She could not understand why I was so sad. Or why I needed guidance. She did not understand me- her own daughther.

Earlier tonight, my mom called me. When I first told her about my engagement, she was not too thrilled about it. She said I was rushing into things and I was not thinking. I told her I knew what my heart felt and that it was wha I wanted. So tonight she asked me where Mike was. I had to tell her. I wanted to tell her.

I ended up telling her about everything. She tried to comfort me. She tried to tell me there would be other guys. She tried to tell me that I would eventutally forget about him. But the only thing that stood out was when she said "don't do anything stupid over this." Just saying that proves she doesnt' know me at all. I am a selfish person. If I were to harm myself, I know it would hurt more than just myself. I know I cannot do that to anyone. It just hurt to know that is what she thinks of me.

Mike and I .... are not working. I can feel it in my heart. I cry when I think about him. I cry when I talk about him. I just cry. I know he is hurting but so am I. I cannot fix this- especially by myself. And if he wanted to make this work, he would fight for me. He would have an opinion about something- anything. But he has given me nothing to go on. we are on a break now until he figures out what he wants. I'm waiting for him to figure it out. But in the meantime, I can feel everything that was there, just slipping away....

I feel like I'm losing this battle.

i just don't know anymore...

I want to know I'm worth fighting for.
I want to know we are worth fighting for.
I sincerely want forever to be just that- forever.

I don't think I'm asking for too much.
I just want to matter.


Are you the one to prove that it will be right in the end? Or at least right for now?

You really aren't going to talk to me are you?

Is this it????

Some friend I am...

I want to talk to you SO badly. But if you wanted to talk to me...you would. But you don't

I'm not your girlfriend. You have no obligation to me...and that makes me sad.

I am breaking. I can't do this anymore. I can't do thing for others anymore. I can't fix them. I can't protect them. Because at the end of the day i only have myself and I can't do this.




I need someone to catch me and there's no one here. I can't breathe in my skin. I can't think. I can't do this anymore.




i'm fucking breaking and no one cares.

Ten Months

I am not even sure of what I want in my life right now.

Mike left this morning- earlier than expected, which is becoming a new trend. He is bored here but I am starting to think he is becoming bored with me. When he left, I did not send him off with a sweet good bye. In fact, I was pretty upset he was leaving. One day with him after two weeks of not seeing him is not enough. But I guess that is enough for him. Maybe I am being unreasonable and clingy. Nevertheless, I feel empty when he leaves. It just is not fair. Not only did I not have enough time with him, tomorrow is our ten month anniversary. I realize monthly anniversaries are lame but I have never gotten a chance to experience a realationship this long or this serious. If this hurts, just imagine how bad I will feel when our one year rolls around and we do not spend it together. I already know that is how it will be. Valentines Day is on a Sunday and he leaves by then...if not earlier.


I am sure I am being selfish. It is not about me. I am being stupid.

I hate what I did today. I feel as though I let myself down. I wanted to take a stand- to do something for myself. I wanted to defend myself and change the way things are. But I am me. I cannot hurt two other people in the process, regardless of how selfish they are being. How hypocritical they are being.


I am tired. And reevaluating who my true friends are. If anything, this whole ordeal has taught me that the people I thought I could trust really would rather they protect themselves that stand by my decision.

When are they going to learn that the day I walk away will be the day they realize they will not have anyone to keep them all together anymore? If that is the way they want to handle things, I will gladly accept that challenge.

I'm TIRED.

Oh, let me fix this right quick...

Today sucked.

Everything I have heard so far, sans a few people has been basically: fix the situation so Jackie doesn't feel bad. Apparently I have to protect her. And make our mutual friends happy.


Why can't they understand that it's time for me to be happy? Is it fair to have me fix something that doesn't make me happy? I am tired of all of this. I'm tired of what happended today.

I guess this is what people depend on me to do. Give up what I want for what they want. And quite frankly, it sucks.

I know this situation doesn't just involve me. I know there are two people. But for once I want something for me and now I'm being selfish. It's like no one can see ME and care enough to just let this be. I'm sorry you guys are mutual friends. I'm sorry this affects you guys. But really....don't I matter?

Slap in the face

I wish I could have some sort of sign that shows me everything will be alright.

I need a blank slate. I need to realize who is important in my life.

I need to realize that my life WILL NOT turn out the way I want it to. It just won't.

The blank unknown

As expected, I have been giving a lot of thought about my future. Especially with regards to my career. Most people have some idea of what they want to do with their lives. They may have that life long goal that they are working towards. Me? Well I always knew I wanted to work with children- specifically, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. But then I discovered that my dream was not feasible, at least not through the eyes of my parents. Then I dreamt about being a pedatrician, which would combine my love of children with the doctor role my parents so desperately wanted from me. I maintained that goal into my first year of college and failed miserably. I never knew I could hate science SO much. Now I am finally following my own path and studying something I find interesting.

But what am I going to do with my degree?

I had a length conversation with a new friend today about the future. She was worried about her future in the medical world. And I am worried about nothing being able to establish my career in something that makes a difference in the world. I can see my friend becoming that doctor and opening her own practice. I on the other hand, cannot see myself doing anything. And I think the fact that my future is so...blank...that scares me. My mind is constantly plauged with "what ifs".


What if I cannot make anything for myself???

Just breathe.

I am feeling in the groove with school right now. Have not really procrastinated with anything yet, but it is only the second week. I am actually sitting with nothing to do and it feels absolutely amazing.

I am exicted for the rest of the week. Lunch with Joey. Save the date party with Megan and Ashley. Weekend at home with family and Mike. Lunch with Sabrina. And only reading for homework. Woot!



That and it is that certain time of the month again. Why is that even relavent? Because...I was late. Scary stuff.

crazy?

I have been taking psychology courses since my senior year in high school. So roughly, 6 years worth of material. What have I learned?




Perhaps I need some therapy sessions to help me deal with myself.

A dose of reality

I have discovered yet anothe flaw within myself. I thought I have realized enough of my own flaws over the years. I have continuosly beat myself up about everything. I am surprised I am still standing. I advise the people around me to realize their self worth. That they should not expose themselves to toxic individuals. That they deserve the best.I do not understand why I could never see those same traits in myself.


What I am trying to get at is...I cannot let go of the past. I have been hurt in the past and I guess I have never gotten past any of it. After so many years of burying my past,things just continue to build up. Sometimes, when I find myself sitting alone with my thoughts, those buried items find a way to seep through the cracks. A lot of things can trigger it- whether it is because I am feeling down about myself or even a song I am listening to. In this instance, HE hurt me SO badly I can still feel it sometimes. I just wish I understood why he had to treat me that way. How could he?

All I ever wanted was to be good enough- Good enough for someone to love. I just wanted to matter to someone...


Mike kind of dashed my hopes of getting married next summer. "There's so much to do before we can get married." I know he is right but I guess I wanted to feel like I could finally get the happy life I have always wanted. I was planning. I was so excited and happy. Now...I feel like maybe it will not happen. What if he "comes to his senses" like everyone else did?

What if he realizes that I don't matter?


All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

Chorus
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

Repeat Chorus

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need

Week 1

The end of my first week of school this term is coming to an end. I only have one class tomorrow and it is only an hour long. I do not think that is anything to complain about. Although everyone is obviously busy with their own school obligations I was able to meet up with some of my friends this week for a bit. It was nice to be able to catch up, regardless of how long or short the time spent was. I think I was able to sit down and chat with at least six differently people! I should appreciate it now because I know things will become increasingly busy thus resulting in less friend time.

In other news, I have been choosing my words very carefully when I talk to my room mate. Actually, I prefer not to talk to to her at all because it tends to frustrate me. I have been stressed out about this living situation for some time now and only recently have been able to get some peace of mind. I go about my days doing what I need to do and actually doing things I like to do. It is nice. Besides, there are only 5 months left of living with her and then I will not have to deal with this anymore. It is a good "light at the end of the tunnel" situation. And frankly, I think this mindset works for me.

I have also discovered that when I find myself getting overwhelmed with school or life in general, talking about/planning our wedding actually puts my mind at ease. I think it is a great idea to get a head start on all of the planning. That way I can save up and know what needs to be done. I hate rushing! I have been looking at wedding venues that will double as a reception space and wow, it is ridicuously expensive! I'm looking at at least three thousand dollars just for the space (and maybe things like tables, chairs and linens)! That is a scary thought but those places are so beautiful. I have also found someone to take our engagement photos whenever we are ready for that. And it is free! Thank goodness for talented, great friends. I have chosen the wedding colors, member of my bridal party, and the maid of honor. The first dance song has also been chosen as well as the person who will be making our cake. The color theme for the wedding as also been chosen. So really, we are well on our way and I am growing increasingly excited. I am just eager to start our lives together.

Really, I am tired of falling asleep without him next to me. Or not having him here when I need a hug. Or when I want to tell him about something that happened.

I just miss him when he is gone. I guess that is love for you.

Smile

It is amazing how much things can change in such a short amoun of time. This time last year, I was completely heart broken. I was a few weeks away from "meeting" Jesse. School was picking up again and I did not see the end of the tunnel.

Now I am engaged. I graduate in the spring. Mike is unbelievable. So amazing.


Life is good.

School Oh School!

Today marked the first day of Winter term. Not only that, but it is the last Winter term of my undergrad career! I only had two classes today that were very spaced out. I do not think I have any reason to be stressed yet. But I also have two more classes tomorrow. I am registered for 5 credits less than I was last term so it can't be that bad, right?

It is not even 9 o'clock and I'm feeling tired. This may actually be a good thing since I have an 8am class in the morning. Yay for more psych classes.

School in the Morn'

Today was quite the boring day. Not exactly how I pictured spending my last day of winter break. But nevertheless, I think it was good to not do anything. I stayed up way too late last night thus leading to me being tired all day. I'm trying to get a good nights sleep tonight for class.

There was one benefit to not sleeping much last night- I was able to have a nice chat with my sister. It has been so long since we've talked and I finally got a chance to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids. I was also able to narrow down the colors for the wedding and look through the wedding dresses on David's Bridal. I think I found a style I really like but it is only available online. How lame is that? Hopefully they will have similar styles in the store for me to try on. I'm starting to grow increasingly excited to plan the wedding. I have some ideas on how to cut the wedding costs down.

Ah well it is getting late and I need to get in bed. Perhaps I will put in Lilo and Stitch again. :)

I just want to be a kid...

I am at the point in my life where I know I cannot afford to continue acting like a child. I have responsibilities to hold myself to. I am really expected to do something with me life. I suppose when considering my age I am already an adult but I feel as though becoming an adult will officially start when I graduate with a degree. Then my life will be about finding a job and being able to support myself- without the aid of my family and or parent.s

I think this upcoming entrance into adulthood should scare me but for some reason, I feel like it is perfectly natural. I do not feel worried about having to make ends meet and focus on my life finanically. I do not feel nervous about pledging my love to Mike for the rest of my life. Overall, I just feel as though the rest of my life (and how it turns out) is just a long time coming.

Ideally, my life would be completely planned out. At least with regards to the big things like my career, having a home and a family, etc. I want to finish school. Find a job. Save up enough money to move in with Mike and then of course get married. Then before I turn 30 I hope to have my first child and then continue working. Hopefully somewhere not too far down the line, I would like to have a second child or even adopt one. Then the rest of my life will be dedicated to loving my family and living my life in the way that makes me the happiest.

Personally, I think this is plan sounds completely reasonable but I know it is not realistic to believe that my life will unfold according to this plan. In fact, I know that there will be major challeneges and one of those life goals might not even happen. But I think the main thing that is keeping me fighting for this ideal life is my faith- my hope.

Perhaps if I want it so badly, it will happen?

Oh really, now?

I have recently discovered that I can be a resentful person. Perhaps even subtley/passively vindictive. I guess I carry on a more peaceful front when around people but if someone were to wrong me, I have it in my right mind to give them a piece of their own medicine. With that being said, I do not resent very many people. Perhaps at one time, there was Charisza. And then Seth. But not both at once.

I think I do eventually get over whatever the other person did BUT it takes a long time. The other person never regains their place in my good graces.

I guess this might make me a bad person, but I believe strongly in treating people the way I want to be treated. If I wanted people to treat me like a bitch, I would be a bitch to everyone. But hey, I do not act that way and in return, people do not treat me as one. But if they do and I know with all honesty that I do not deserve it, I will retailiate. If you treat me poorly in any way, I will, and I promise, I WILL LET YOU KNOW.


People should never underestimate what they do not know. Especially when it comes to underestimating me.