Just around the corner

The end of the year 2009 is just around the corner. Around this time each year, I sit down and reflect on what has happened in the past 12 months. I visit last years' entry and I just think. So much has happened this year and as always, it has been a mix of the good and the bad. Regardless, I am forever thankful I was alive to witness it all.

I remember last year quite well. I experieced my first real heart break and I was completely devastated. I swore that I would not involve myself in any romantic relationships as a result of my feelings of betrayal. As 2009 started, I found myself slowly regaining my inner strength. Life became less bleak and I continued on with my life. Once I felt comfortable enough, I reentered the online dating scene and found myself becoming acquainted with Jesse, in California. We hit it off and decided a long distance relationship was a good idea. Turns out, it was a terrible idea. He was not ready to be in any type of relationship and at the expense of my feelings, I came to the realizaton that he just needed someone to care and pretend to care for. He is not a bad person. I honestly wish it did not end on such a bad note. I would not mind being friends with him but I do not think he is mentally nor emotionally ready. He seems to be seeking something more serious- something more for himself. I do wish him well.

Regardless, I did not take this so called break up well. I think it hurt more because after Seth, I really did believe the kind words Jesse would tell me. Match.com led me to Michael from Bend. We neve met but had some great conversations. It was plesant but I could never see myself making a strong effort to going out to Bend to see him. He was younger but much more realistic in thought than Jesse was. But nevertheless, Michael was still (scarily) immature. I do not want to associated with any type of drugs, nor do I condone drinking and wreckless driving. I do not need cheap and stupid thrills.

As bleak as those two stories sound, my life did a complete 360 when I went home for spring break. During one of my sleepless nights, I found myself looking around on okcupid.com and I received a message from someone. As late as it was, we ended up chatting for hours and exchanged numbers. I was excited to talk to him. We randomly ended up meeting two days later on March 24th. Why is this date so important? Well, it was the day I met the man I am going to marry.

Michael Lee Rodney. The one man I have met in my life that treats me like gold. But yet still like an equal. He believes in me. He supports me. He loves me regardless of my flaws. My scars are nothing to him. He claims they are my beauty marks. His words make me strive to be a better person for him. I love him with all of my heart and we are getting married. I have never been this happy. And I can confidently say that. He has never given me a reason to doubt how much I mean to him. And God willingly,he knows that I feel the same way about him.

My relationship with my family has gotten a lot better as of late. My brother and I are speaking again and it is nice that we can joke around again. We spent so much time being resentful of one another that I almost forgot how much I missed the good times. I think my parents are beginning to understand that I am my own person and I will do what I think and want to. Although there are still some rough patches here and there, I think it will be okay. Hopefully when I move back in with them in June, things will turn out well. I do not want to rely and be dependent on them for too much longer. I hope to find any job and start saving up as much money as I can.

School is going well. I honestly think taking a year off as the best thing for me. I know it set me back and I do regret it sometimes but overall, I did need the break. I needed time to breathe and understand the path I needed to take- not for my parents, but for myself. I am not meant to study biology. I need a more personal route. I have two more terms of school and then I will be walking during the spring graduation at Oregon State University for a BS in psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be moving back to Beaverton and finishing an online class before being offically done with my undergrad. I do not know what the future has in store for me but I am anxiously waiting for it. I can already sense my life changing. I hope I can stand on my own two feet and make something of myself. I hope I can make Mike and my family proud of me.

My social life has been going alright. I think I have been able to expand my circle a bit. Jackie and I are no longer close friends. I do not know if she is aware of this but I feel it. Living together has caused a lot of tension and because we are both so passive aggressive, nothing is getting solved, thus resulting in more tension. At this point, I do not want to make the next few months hellish so I will just deal with it to the best of my ability. I like being able to spend time with my friends without her there all the time. It has been a blessing to have friends like Andy, David, Dominique, Megan, and Anne to bail me out when I need it. I had a nice talk with Dia about my situation and she is (sadly) experiencing the same thing with her roommate. We decided we just do not think conflict is the best thing when people are bound to living together by contract. I guess money is a HUGE issue. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the people I do have in my life. The ones who stand by me through thick and thin. Those who do not pass judgement- but rather help me through things when I need their help. Those are the people I would walk to the ends of the earth for. They are the people who make me the person I am. They are the ones who make me strive to be stronger and better. I do not want to fail them.

With 2010 just around the corner, I feel as though I should be making a list of resolutions, but I think it is silly to feel obligated to make goals. It should be a year round activity. For the next year, I am going to work hard- at school, with love, with my family and friends, and with being the person I am intended to be.

Happy New Year to whomever is reading this. May this new year bring you nothing but joy and happy memories. May it bring you strength in order for you to accomplish what you wish to. Love your friends and family. Love those around you. And equally as important, remember to love yourself.

Peace. Love. Live.

Tis the season

It's the week of Christmas and it's pouring down rain outside. I have finished all of my shopping and wrapped everything. Actually, I have given all but two of my gifts to their rightful owners as a result of my lack of patience. I've baked numerous amounts of cookies and listened to Christmas music BUT even after all of that...


I don't feel like I have any Christmas spirit.


P.S:
nine months this Thursday :) ily