The desire to succeed

Life is supposed to be complicated. It is supposed to have its ups and downs. If it was easy, it would not be worth living. The battles we face in life may scar us, but the battle scars we obtain show the world our strength and determination. It shows our desire to live the way we want to. It shows the world we really can do what we need to in order to be happy and successful.

I know what I want in my life. I know where I want to be in the future and I am going to do everything in my power to achieve it.

Living in the Past

It is not uncommon for someone to say "Learn from your mistakes". I mean, that's really the only way for someone to grow was a person, right? You're supposed to be able to embrace all of your decisions and decide what your identity is.

I honestly believe that it is important to understand someones past in order to understand their present. But I don't think it is necessary for someone to expect people to change when they meet someone. It's unrealistic to demand that someone forget their past experiences and start completely fresh with someone new. Everything people experience in life contributes to a person's character- it adds to who people are. I think people need to accept people for who they are, regardless of whether the characteristics are good or bad. It should be up to both parties in the relationship to determine if they are willing to accept and embrace each other for who they are.

Last night, I was enjoying a nice, late night conversation with someone when a certain issue came up. I was not aware that it was an issue- I especially did not think it was an issue to our relationship. He constantly tells me that he's giving me a complete 100 percent effort in making our relationship work. It's not to say that I'm not trying, because as far as I know, I am trying with all of my heart to make it work as well. It's my first real, long distance relationship and I know it's exactly who I'm supposed to be with. Our conversation started out being the usual disgustingly sweet banter we usually have but then it took a turn for the...different...

He made a comment about how cautious I am about telling him what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling about something. I have only know him for less than a month and I have opened up to him quite a bit, but I don't think it's enough for his liking. He does not believe in secrets and I don't either, but I don't think it's possible for someone to know absolutely everything about another person. People only know what others allow them to know. Anyway, I told him that the reason for my constant cautiousness was a result of the past relationships and trust issues I've had in the past. I've fallen for guys in the past who have either disappeared on me or just trampled on my heart. I also had "friends" that have betrayed me when I thought I could trust them with my world. He shot back with how unfair it was for me to make him pay for all the mistakes of my past relationships. He said that I should figure it out and deal with the everything and then call him. To me, it sounded like an ultimatum. To me, it sounded as though he wanted me to change who I am or lose him.

I haven't been in very many relationships in my life time. But for the few that I have experienced, well, let's just say they did not end well. Because of the issues that arose during those relationships, I have developed a cautious approach to dating. I find it difficult to trust people and open up to people. I just want to avoid putting myself into situations where I might have to relive one of those not so happy moments again. As a result of becoming so cautious, I guess it makes it a lot harder for me to allow others to really get to know me and my feelings.

I do understand where He was coming from. I realize it is not fair for me to hold him to things that others have done to me in the past. I honestly don't try to, but I find it difficult to stop myself from thinking about it. I know I don't need to talk to those past guys again to figure things out. I have dealt with all of that stuff and I've moved on. But that doesn't mean I can just forget about things I have experienced in my life. Try as I might, I just can't. I've always been fairly good at forgiving people and moving on, but I've never, ever forgotten when someone has hurt me.

I can't change how I deal with things, but I want Him to understand that rather than assume I'm not trying to be a good girlfriend. It's not my fault I have had bad past experiences. But I guess I just want him to be the one to make me see that there's so much good out there in the world.

Random!

15 random facts about yours truly:

1.) I hate telling people my middle name because I can't stand it when people mispronounce my name. I know it's not their fault, but it still bothers me. Sometimes I give out a fake name when I'm put on a list just so people don't have to struggle to make sense of my real name.
2.) I tend to bake a lot when I'm in a bad mood because it distracts me. The idea is that I have to focus my thoughts on measuring the ingredients rather than on what's bothering me. At least my friends benefit from all of the baked goods!
3.) I tend to worry A LOT about the people in my life. I basically want people to be happy and I will do everything/anything in my power to help them achieve that.
4.) I speak English and Vietnamese fluently. I also took four years of French in high school.
5.) People may not believe it just by looking at me, but I love doing reckless/rebellious things. I love the adrenaline rush. I'm dying to of sky diving and bungee jumping. But mostly, I love driving fast.
6.) I am pretty allergic to cats but I love them. They are so adorable. When I'm around someone with a cat, I can't help but play with them.
7.) I'm not close with my family, but they still mean the world to me. I was not raised to express the mushy feelings, but I still feel it in my heart.
8.) I have three really close friends, all of whom I refer to as my sisters. I usually forget to mention to people that we are not related in anyway, shape, or form.
9.) I have always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher, but that's not what I'm in school for. I think I'm going to be a social worker. I just want to work with children. I want to help them. I think they are being far too neglected in our society- especially since we are supposed to depend on them for a better future.
10.) I have a crazy case of ornithophobia. For some reason I absolutely hate birds and am freaked out by them. It's irrational, but I just can't help it.
11.) I have a strong desire to move out of Oregon because I've never lived anywhere else, but I do know that I want to eventually move back here to raise my family.
12.) My favorite genre of movie is horror. I love watching slasher flicks and the gory stuff because it's entertaining to see what the writers and directors come up with.
13.) I still sleep with a bear at night because it's comforting to me. I think it's because my boyfriend is not here. Cuddling makes me feel safe and protected.
14.) I'm Vietnamese but I have never traveled there to meet my Dad's side of the family. I think I'm scared to.
15.) I don't really mind if people are disappointed in me. I mean it bothers me a bit but it absolutely kills me to know that I disappointed myself.

Regardless of how much time you spend hanging out with or talking to someone, you can never really know a person inside and out. The only person who knows you completely is yourself. You are the only one who knows your thoughts and feelings. You know that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when something is wrong. You know the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you feel that connection. It's the stuff only you can feel. It's easy for you to tell someone what you're feeling, but it's another thing for the other person to believe it as the truth. They only know what you tell them. They only know what they are allowed to know.

I suppose there are some people who know some of the things on this list, but I don't think there is a single person who knows all of it. I actually wonder if it's even possible for someone to be that person.

Quiet Reflection

It's rare to have someone tell you that you are able to make them care about things. Earlier today, my boyfriend had mentioned that I actually make him care about things he would not normally care about. Or rather, he never really gave much thought into what other people thought or felt. I thought it was strange to hear this because everyone has to care about something, right? I mean, I do understand you really should not care about what society thinks as a generalized idea but it is rather important to take some things into consideration.

For the most part, I believe that most people are not comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and/or concerns because it might make them weak in the eyes of the public. This is usually seen in males, mostly due to the idea that they are supposed to be "manly" rather than "soft". I am fairly certain we can blame societal standards for this one. But it is not just guys who are guilty of hiding feelings. Of all things I understand the concept of feeling the need to hide things. I was raised to do as I was told; to not ask questions and do what I need to in order to get through life. And now, at the good ol' age of 21, I still hold back things.

I suppose the reason for why I do this is because I hate it when people worry about me. I don't think they have a reason to be. I hate crying in front of people because I think it makes me look weak. I hate talking about my problems because I don't want people to want to try to help me. I figure if I have a problem, I should be able to get myself out of it.

Characteristically I worry about people a lot. Especially if they are constant factors in my life. My friends and family know this first hand and I think they appreciate it. So much can't be said when it comes to relationships, because hey, what guy want to know that some girl is worried about their well being? Oh yeah, the ones that disappeared on me...haha...okay that was a silly tangent that needs to revisited on another day.

But with that being said, I am still the girl who feels a little pang of concern when I see a child running and then falling on the sidewalk; regardless of whether I know them or not. When I see that my friends are upset, I usually worry about their well being. I can't help it.

I guess all of my emotions can be chalked up to my being a girl, but I really hope society still has a heart. It is nice to be independent and understand that it is sometimes more important to live for yourself than others, but it is also relevant to show compassion toward others.

I guess this whole thing was a huge tangent. But my point is that my boyfriend now cares about people [and me]. I guess I can help better people =]

You give me butterflies

It's official. You are easily the sweetest guy I have ever met. Or rather the sweetest guy that has seen something worthwhile in me. You have the ability to make me smile regardless of what I'm doing or where I am. I look forward to our lengthy phone conversations every night or the random text messages. I love that you care what I think and that you let me worry about you. Like I told you before, I love being the exception in your life.

You say that I'm your favorite. You say that you can't get enough of my voice when we're on the phone. You say that you're lucky to have met me.

For everything you have done for me, I say thank you. Thank you for being so sweet and for seeing the good in me. I know our situation is far from easy, but I don't want to let you go. I want this to work.


I have no idea what you're doing to me. But I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. =]

Penny for your thoughts

You can never tell how much a person is hurting just by looking at them.
Because there are no scars or wounds, does not mean they are not hurting.
Sometimes the strongest hold everything inside in fear of what
others may think. Some view it as a break in character.
You never know how many empty shells there are walking around you every day.
And you never know which one of those shells are cracked beyond repair.


It's the hidden, silent pain that breaks a person down. It kills them slowly,
from the inside out. It's the silent suffocation of what they believed was real.
It's the end of a person's soul; the end of everything they wanted to be.
There are not enough kind words to soothe over these invisible wounds
but the hope that some day, these people will escape into the dark
keeps the hope alive.

Seattle Super Sonics, definitely no more

So I guess it is official. The Seattle is down one professional sports team and Oklahoma is up one. I still can't believe they moved the Sonics. I didn't think it was a good idea when they did it and I still don't. I wonder what the Sonic fans are going to do now, but I think it has a lot to do with the players. Gotta support them, right?

But I was updating myself about the sports world while reading Espn.com this morning and I read about the unveiling of the new team name and logo. The Oklahoma Thunder[s]? Yeah, I hate it. What kind of name is that?

Everyone has a little bit of faith

Growing up, my parents often told me that I was Buddhist. I never really got an explanation about being Buddhist was really about. I was just told that it was something I had to be apart of. I can remember my parents taking my brother and me to the Temple a few times, but the older we got, the less often we were there. I suppose it has a lot to do with my parents not being too religious, but I figured if they were going to tell me that I am part of religion, they would at least try to teach me more about it. As I grew older, I started to learn more about the other religions of the world. I learned bits of information about Christianity and Catholicism from my friends. I realized that there were aspects of both that I believe in, as well as aspects stemming from Buddhism. And the more I learned about religion, the more I found myself relating to the broader aspects of them. I guess I managed to accept that people are allowed to believe what they want as long as it made them happy.

It is quite understandable why the topic of religion is so taboo in our society. Because the United States is considered such a large "melting pot", society is exposed to all aspects of the world. As a result, people are sometimes thrust into a religious world they know nothing about. Equality of any kind [whether it is race, gender, sexuality, or in this case, religion] has been something that people constantly seek but have yet to reach a compromise about. For some reason society has found it difficult to see that things do change over time and as a result, ideals and concepts formed in the past might have to change as well. Change really isn't a bad thing. It's more of a social compromise to keep the peace and better the our lives.

With all of the previous being said, the reason for why I'm writing this post is because of someone I went to high school with. She and I have never been really close but we have somewhat kept in touch these past few years. I realized that as time went on, She became more and more religious. She discovered something she felt passionately about and I am really grateful for that due to the troubles she was experiencing in her life. But lately her passion has gotten out of hand. She and I are mutual "friends" on both facebook and livejournal so we get updates when either of us publishes something on our respected sites. She has been posting quotes from the Bible and videos taken from church sermons. I'm ultimately fine with that but lately, her posts have been offensive. She has made comments about things from how Mormons don't believe God to how homosexuality is one of the worst traits out there. She has received comments about them and people are hurt, angry and just completely appalled that she could write/post something of such a nature. And quite frankly so am I.

She's a kind girl. But I don't understand how someone could allow themselves to be so close minded about things, especially in this time in our society. People have been struggling for mutal acceptance for as long as people can recall. People are different and as a result they have different outlooks on life. And it's really up to the people to be open minded enough to accept that. You are able to have faith and be passionate about anything but it's not right to force your ideals upon someone else.

It's one thing to feel strongly about something but it's not right for someone to force their views on someone else. Just because two people don't/can't agree on something doesn't make one of them wrong. It makes people different from one another. Needless to say, it is a very thin line and it is easy to cross. I do think She has crossed this. But oddly enough, she doesn't care. She's proud of having people being angry about her posts. She thinks it's the right way to spread the message of God. That in itself is wrong. It's not the way religion is supposed to work. At least I don't think God or Buddha or any other God would have wanted something like that.

When I think about religion, I think of something that allows people to have faith in and be passionate about. I highly doubt religion was created to divide people because of their differences. I also doubt that it was created as a means to point out who is good and who is "bad".

I have never had a problem with people having different beliefs than myself, so that is completely not the issue. I figured if I had something to say about religion, this would be the place to do it. I highly doubt anyone is offended by what I wrote, but if you are, I sincerely apologize for doing so.

And with that, Peace. Love.

I want to save the world, one child at a time.

Just when I think I have things in my life [relatively] figured out, some random curve ball is thrown my way. I usually fair pretty well when this happens but for some reason it did not go the way I thought it would. Let's just say this time around, I did not hit it out of the park.

I have spent the last couple of days in almost pure seclusion due a mutual game of the silent treatment combined with trying to avoid my family. With all of this extra time and silence on my hands, I have found myself constantly trying to rethink my life. I have given a lot of thought to how I want to live my life in the future- such as what I want to do for a living and where I want to relocate to. But on the other hand, I haven't come to a decent decision to what I want my life to be right now. I think it's more realistic to think in the present sense rather than the future but for some reason I find that more difficult.

The main thing I've given a lot of thought about has been about my family. I think it's time for me to move away from them. To slowly phase myself out of their lives. I don't know if I can bring myself to cut off all ties but I do know distance will do us a lot of good. So we'll see if I can gather enough courage to do just that.

That's all I need to make it through the tough times and whatever life throws at me- courage. I think I'll be okay.




Peace. Love.

Nothing but Deception

It's the feeling where you know there's no right or wrong thing to do anymore. I chose my friends last night and it got me to a point where I knew I was having fun and branching out but I broke every rule my parents ever set for me. I wanted to live MY own life for once and I thought it would be fine. That they would finally see that I can go out with my friends and make it home okay, regardless of the time.

Guess what? I live in fucking reality and none of that happened. But hey, You're stuck with the decisions you make, right? In other words, "you've brought this on yourself". Someone I have known for about two days couldn't understand why I was so freaked out about the whole thing. He wouldn't let me go and you know what? I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go with the moment and make my decisions as they come. He made a point about how I'm old enough to live my life the way I see fit. That just because I am not at my parent's beck and call, I deserve any less respect. For the first time in awhile, I realized that I am completely terrified of my parents. I love them but the love is no where near as strong as my fear of them. How do you love someone you are scared of?

You can't.

I spend so much time trying to hide things that I start to forget that I really am 21 years old. I deserve to be who I am and experience life to the fullest. I deserve to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I deserve to be treated like someone with half a brain. After all of the yelling, guilt tripping, and questions, She had the audacity to say that she had always trusted me. That they can't stop me from doing something or going somewhere. That I could have called to say I wasn't coming home that night. When was that ever an option?! NEVER. Not once was I ever allowed to spend the night at someone's house. Even as a child! I always had a curfew. I get asked the 100 questions whenever I go out. Regardless of where I'm going or what I'm doing. They treat me like I'm some invalid. As though I'm unable to make decisions on my behalf.

As far as I know, they have never trusted me a single day of my life. I am the child that has to stay at home or not go out "too much". I'm not supposed to talk to boys or any other shit like that. How can they possibly think that they trust me? How could they have expected me to believe anything they say to me. They love me? Sure, but is it really worth it for them to love me if it feels this way?

I'm crying my eyes out right now. My heart aches and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel like I can't breathe. There's nothing I want from here. I'm tired. I'm devastated. I'm ready to let this go forever. No one understands any of this. No one understands why I feel this way. I'm just some mindless being in this house. I'm not their daughter. I'm their fucking property.

I guess I brought it on myself. Maybe I'm just your average selfish bitch.