Just around the corner

The end of the year 2009 is just around the corner. Around this time each year, I sit down and reflect on what has happened in the past 12 months. I visit last years' entry and I just think. So much has happened this year and as always, it has been a mix of the good and the bad. Regardless, I am forever thankful I was alive to witness it all.

I remember last year quite well. I experieced my first real heart break and I was completely devastated. I swore that I would not involve myself in any romantic relationships as a result of my feelings of betrayal. As 2009 started, I found myself slowly regaining my inner strength. Life became less bleak and I continued on with my life. Once I felt comfortable enough, I reentered the online dating scene and found myself becoming acquainted with Jesse, in California. We hit it off and decided a long distance relationship was a good idea. Turns out, it was a terrible idea. He was not ready to be in any type of relationship and at the expense of my feelings, I came to the realizaton that he just needed someone to care and pretend to care for. He is not a bad person. I honestly wish it did not end on such a bad note. I would not mind being friends with him but I do not think he is mentally nor emotionally ready. He seems to be seeking something more serious- something more for himself. I do wish him well.

Regardless, I did not take this so called break up well. I think it hurt more because after Seth, I really did believe the kind words Jesse would tell me. Match.com led me to Michael from Bend. We neve met but had some great conversations. It was plesant but I could never see myself making a strong effort to going out to Bend to see him. He was younger but much more realistic in thought than Jesse was. But nevertheless, Michael was still (scarily) immature. I do not want to associated with any type of drugs, nor do I condone drinking and wreckless driving. I do not need cheap and stupid thrills.

As bleak as those two stories sound, my life did a complete 360 when I went home for spring break. During one of my sleepless nights, I found myself looking around on okcupid.com and I received a message from someone. As late as it was, we ended up chatting for hours and exchanged numbers. I was excited to talk to him. We randomly ended up meeting two days later on March 24th. Why is this date so important? Well, it was the day I met the man I am going to marry.

Michael Lee Rodney. The one man I have met in my life that treats me like gold. But yet still like an equal. He believes in me. He supports me. He loves me regardless of my flaws. My scars are nothing to him. He claims they are my beauty marks. His words make me strive to be a better person for him. I love him with all of my heart and we are getting married. I have never been this happy. And I can confidently say that. He has never given me a reason to doubt how much I mean to him. And God willingly,he knows that I feel the same way about him.

My relationship with my family has gotten a lot better as of late. My brother and I are speaking again and it is nice that we can joke around again. We spent so much time being resentful of one another that I almost forgot how much I missed the good times. I think my parents are beginning to understand that I am my own person and I will do what I think and want to. Although there are still some rough patches here and there, I think it will be okay. Hopefully when I move back in with them in June, things will turn out well. I do not want to rely and be dependent on them for too much longer. I hope to find any job and start saving up as much money as I can.

School is going well. I honestly think taking a year off as the best thing for me. I know it set me back and I do regret it sometimes but overall, I did need the break. I needed time to breathe and understand the path I needed to take- not for my parents, but for myself. I am not meant to study biology. I need a more personal route. I have two more terms of school and then I will be walking during the spring graduation at Oregon State University for a BS in psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be moving back to Beaverton and finishing an online class before being offically done with my undergrad. I do not know what the future has in store for me but I am anxiously waiting for it. I can already sense my life changing. I hope I can stand on my own two feet and make something of myself. I hope I can make Mike and my family proud of me.

My social life has been going alright. I think I have been able to expand my circle a bit. Jackie and I are no longer close friends. I do not know if she is aware of this but I feel it. Living together has caused a lot of tension and because we are both so passive aggressive, nothing is getting solved, thus resulting in more tension. At this point, I do not want to make the next few months hellish so I will just deal with it to the best of my ability. I like being able to spend time with my friends without her there all the time. It has been a blessing to have friends like Andy, David, Dominique, Megan, and Anne to bail me out when I need it. I had a nice talk with Dia about my situation and she is (sadly) experiencing the same thing with her roommate. We decided we just do not think conflict is the best thing when people are bound to living together by contract. I guess money is a HUGE issue. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the people I do have in my life. The ones who stand by me through thick and thin. Those who do not pass judgement- but rather help me through things when I need their help. Those are the people I would walk to the ends of the earth for. They are the people who make me the person I am. They are the ones who make me strive to be stronger and better. I do not want to fail them.

With 2010 just around the corner, I feel as though I should be making a list of resolutions, but I think it is silly to feel obligated to make goals. It should be a year round activity. For the next year, I am going to work hard- at school, with love, with my family and friends, and with being the person I am intended to be.

Happy New Year to whomever is reading this. May this new year bring you nothing but joy and happy memories. May it bring you strength in order for you to accomplish what you wish to. Love your friends and family. Love those around you. And equally as important, remember to love yourself.

Peace. Love. Live.

Tis the season

It's the week of Christmas and it's pouring down rain outside. I have finished all of my shopping and wrapped everything. Actually, I have given all but two of my gifts to their rightful owners as a result of my lack of patience. I've baked numerous amounts of cookies and listened to Christmas music BUT even after all of that...


I don't feel like I have any Christmas spirit.


P.S:
nine months this Thursday :) ily

Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't usually like to use the holiday season as an excuse for reflecting on how thankful I should be for the things tha I have in my life. I should always be aware of that. Everyone should always be aware that they should be thankful for what they have. I have always loved the holiday season because I honestly believe people seem happier. Maybe it is because of the deocrations and lights. Maybe it is because you get to see family and friends who live far away. Regardless, there is something about this time of year where I just feel happier.

This year I am entirely thankful for my good friends. As always I have discovered and or rediscovered who my real friends are. They are the ones who treat me with respect. The ones who are there for me when I need support. They never place judgement on me. They have found something in myself in which they can accept and love. I could never ask for anything more than that. I have always valued the idea that it is not the quanity of friends you have, but rather the quality.

I am thankful for my family. I have to admit that we are not the closest bunch. But they raised me. We falter in creating a strong, close connection but when times become rough, they are right behind me. I am grateful they are still there.

I am thankful for Mike. I never believed I could find someone who would love me for all of the good and bad. I have never experienced a love like this and I would not trade it for the world. Spending the rest of my life with him would be my fairy tale ending.

Lastly, I am thankful for my life- school, daily experiences, and all of the opportunities I am able to partake in. I realize not everyone in the world can say this. I am lucky and I realize that. This is why I want to make my life about helping others. If I can make one person happy- or if I can better someone's life- it would be my small part to making the world a bit more embracing.



Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Be safe and love the people around you (and yourself!).

Neglected

Obviously writing in this journal is not a priority of mine. Especialy when the majority of my time is being spent on school work, with the fiancee, or bumming around. But I'm going to try to render that.


My life in pararaphs:

Mike and I are doing wonderfully. As of next week, we will have been together for 8 months. This is easily my most functional and happiest relationship of my LIFE. He somewhat proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, thus meaning we are now engaged. It is the prettiest ring and I am the luckiest girl. I do not know what I did to deserve someone as amazing as him. I have never dated anyone who had their actions match their words. I have no doubts when he tells me he loves me. I just hope I'm half as amazing to him.

School is becoming increasingly difficult. I'm struggling to keep it all together to move back to Beaverton at the end of June. I think it will be nice to start finding my way in life- even if my family is helping me. As much as I wish I could just move in with Mike, I know it is not realistic. I wish I did not need the money so much- otherwise I would stay in Corvallis and voluteer for CARVA. It is an amazing organization and I really think it would benefit me to work there, even if it is just volunteering. As of now, my post school plans involve living in Beaverton, finding ANY job to start saving, and really,reconnect with the people that matter.

My social life actually is going quite well. As always, I have lost a friend or two but no one too devastating. I can tell Jackie and I are not going to be friends for the long run. At least not good friends. Things were fine when we were not living together but two years later, I honestly feel like she is taking advantage of me. I'm currently restraining myself from cleaning the bathroom just to see if she will do it on her own. Two years and I can only count the number of times she has cleaned by herself (without my asking her) on one hand! It is getting out of hand. So far it has been two weeks without her cleaning. TWO WEEKS without cleaning the bathroom. Disgusting. But nevertheless, I'm passive and so is she. Thus meaning I stop talking to her in order to not 'flip the shit out' on her. How does she react? Take it as it is. She does not make an effort to solve anything. I saved her ass on Halloween night and all I got was a "thank you" and I got the wonderful privilege of cleaning up the bathroom AND her until 4am. Thank you.

Michelle is doing better. For the past month or so, she has really been struggling with her illness. Last month she was rushed to the hospitial after she stopped breathing. She actually died for a few moments. A few shocks later, she's alive again. That is the closest I have come to losing her. The feeling I had when my mom told me...words cannot even begin to describe it. She sounds so listless when I talk to her now. She's tired. I know she's tired, but is it selfish for me to want her to fight? She's in so much pain. She's not the same girl I met back then. I just hope she's doing this for herself...

Anyway, I'm so close to the end of this term. My birthday is coming up. I come home for Thanksgiving next week. I'm looking forward to driving back alone. I'm still searching for a job during winter break. I desperately need the money.

Eeeee!

So...it's going to be official in two weeks when I get to pick it up because it's currently being sized...BUT




I'm engaged. We bought the ring yesterday while out of town and I absolutely love it. I absolutely love my finance. :) We both know it is going to be a long engagement but nevertheless, we are going to be together. I cannot wait to start telling everyone that we are getting married!!!!!!!!!

Faithful

I am not going to sit here and claim that I am all knowing regarding the ins and outs of relationships. I didn't start dating at all until second year of college and by then I was about 20 years old. Since then, I have had numerous bad relationships and or dating experiences. The relationship I am currently in, is by far the longest and healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Thankfully. With that said, one aspect of relationships has always alluded me- the act of cheating [unfaithfulness].

I have never understood why someone would cheat on their significant other. I mean, I suppose there are several reasons someone could bring up as being a reason to justify their heinous action- "I was driven to do it" or "I didn't know what happened, it just...did." It's absolutely absurd.

I guess I'm just being practical...but if you're in a relationship with someone, you should have the common decency to let them go if you're not in love [or interested in them] anymore. It's not hard to do and it would save both parties a lot of trouble.

To be continued...

It makes me happy when other people tell me their love stories. This woman at one of the jewelers we went to told me that she and her husband got engaged 6 months after meeting and were married a month after that. They've been married for eight years.

We agreed that it doesn't matter how long you are together but rather how deep your love is. Also, what it is that you're loving to begin with.

Relief...

I did it. I finished 16 credits in a summer term. Go me! :)

But now I'm stressing out about 18 credits fall term. I hope I can do it. But then again, I have Him on my side, and with that, what can't I do?

He Makes My Heart Smile

It means so much to me when He tells me He's proud of me. I know he probably doesn't care about my grades or how I did on a paper, but when I told him about how I did last session, He said he was proud of me. That made my heart smile just to know that I'm bettering myself to be good enough to with him. He deserves the very best.

Seattle Love

You know it's love when your boyfriend buys you books because he knows you love to read and can't always afford to buy them for yourself.

Every guy I dated before Mike always thought that my reading and buying books was, well, for lack of better words, stupid. But really that's just one of the few things I love about Mike. He understands me and what makes me happy. I'm not asking for diamonds or expensive things, I'm not even asking for books. I just want his love and he continues to give it to me. His love and everything beyond that.

We went on our first trip out of town this past weekend. We [by we i mean he drove] drove up to Washington on Saturday. It was 6 hours to Bellingham to see/meet my sisters. It was an interesting visit but we managed. We finally were able to leave and head back south towards Bellevue to check into our hotel. It was a little difficult to find but man, what a gorgeous place! I have never stayed at such a beautiful place and the price for that night was great! We checked in and set out to explore the city. Did a little bit of shopping here and there and then went out to dinner at a sushi place. It was alright- pricey but hey, what do you expect from Washington? I finally tried Sake for the first time. I don't think it's my drink of choice. After dinner, Mike and I went to a bar/hang out place called Parlor. It was a pretty cool place. They had this cool ice strip on the bar to keep the drinks cool. :) After a few drinks we headed back to the room for the night.

The next morning we checked out and headed towards downtown Seattle. I discovered I can't read maps worth shit and it was a frustrating trip. We didn't mapquest anything because he had legit maps...but I really should know how to read a map, right? We eventually found it and parked. The first stop we made was a chocolate shop where I bought a peanut butter crunch and a champange truffle. Oh delicious heaven. I bought Mike a cookies and cream carmel apple. The best part was the promotion they were running. If you spend more than 12 dollars, you get a choice of either a free chocolate dipped frozen banana or a dipped slice of cheesecake. Naturally i got the cheesecake. It was too rich to finish but it was so SO good. We walked around for a good while and then decided to leave. [side note: someday, I will be able to buy fresh flowers from Pike Place.]

On the drive back South, we made a side stop at the Tacoma Mall to wander around for awhile. That mall is pretty big compared to the ones in Oregon. We ended up at Build a Bear and Love made me a cute little puppy named Patches. He wears a NBA uniform. =]

Then we made the trip all the way down to Corvallis with a stop for the first meal of the day and to get gas.

Overall the trip was amazing. I love him and I love how we are together.

Have you heard?

Four months of nothing but cloud nine happiness. I couldn't ask for anything more than what I have now. I love him.

i am not doing well financially. i'm struggling to make ends meet.

at least i have school and a place to live. i need to find a job but i don't know if i can handle it with school.


i don't know what to do.

Je T'aime

Happy three months with my baby and here's to many more months of happiness to come.

It's only been a week and I miss him terribly already. I miss being able to kiss him. Hug him. Snuggle with him. I miss being able to see him just by walking into the next room. Two weeks isn't that long but it's the longest we've been apart. Distance makes the heart grow fonder right? I love him with my whole heart...

Besides, it doesn't hurt that he sprayed Bear with his cologne before leaving last weekend. Bear's tummy still smells like Him so whenever I find myself really missing Mike, I just snuggle with Bear for awhile. =]

Summer...School?

Life update in bullet point format. Must love college, right?

-I started my second week of summer term today. I thought I had signed up for 13 credits but I checked last night and apparently, by 13 I meant 16. Sheesh. I'm learning about the brain now and I remembered how much I hate science. It's a shame really. This class is going to be hard- a test every Thursday over three chapters. Oh man.
-I did manage to successfully attend class during zero week. 9 hours of class for a week straight is crazy but it wasn't terrible. I need to start writing those papers soon.
-Wednesday marks three months with Mike. Three months of pure happiness. He might not have been my first love, but he certainly is my true love. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him so much. I love him more than I thought I could possibly love someone.
-We went up to see my parents last weekend. I think it went well. I'm starting to think my dad is warming up to him. Especially since he hugged Mike when we walked into the house. Maybe it won't be too bad.
-I went to Dixon for the first time in ages today. I ended up doing 50 minutes of cardio and a few minutes of cool down/stretching before walking home. Dominique and I are gym buddies now and the plan is to go every other day. I think it will work out wonderfully.

with love <3

my heart skips a beat when i hear him tell me he can see forever with me.

Bliss...

The loud knock on the door was strong and steady. It was him.
I opened the door with a big smile to see him smiling right back at me- red roses in his hand.
He puts his bags down and I leap into his arms for a hug...one week in the making.
It felt so right.

He slides into his spot on the bed and moves over to make room for me.
I take my spot, curled up next to him; my head resting on his chest.
His hand reaches over and entwines with mine and our breathing slows to match one another.
And then he says what my heart has feeling...

"I honestly am falling in love with you."

I tilt my head up to look him in the eye. I can see him staring back at me through the faint light streaming in from outside.

He kisses me on my forehead and together, we fall asleep.

Hello Sunshine

I need to remind myself to keep breathing. I need to understand that my past cannot define my present. I want this so badly and I am going to fight tooth and nail for it. The things He does for me are beyond amazing. My favorite moment of having him here with me is falling asleep curled next to him. A close second favorite is when he wakes up early in the morning and fixes the blankets to make sure I'm warm enough. <3 I always whisper "thank you", in my sleepy voice. I hope he hears it before I drift back to sleep.

I may be stressed out. Mentally exhausted. Sniffley from allergies. But I am so happy.

Cloudy Days

Today was one of those days- the one where you just want to break down and cry. I'm not proud to admit it. I know I'm supposed to take things in stride and roll with it but I'm tired. I'm mentally, physically exhausted.

All I wanted to do when I got home today was curl up with him. And then I was sucked back into reality when I realized he's not here. Cue sad panda. He tried making things better but I didn't make it easy for him. Then he called. And for those 20 minutes, my day was suddenly brighter.

He's simply amazing.

Sping Lusting?

He gave me his heart and believe we're absolutely perfect for each other. He claims that I'm sweet, adorable, cute, and silly. He tells me I'm so good to him and he can't believe we're together. He spends his weekends in Corvallis just to be with me. We take naps together and he never lets me pay for anything. He cuddles me and holds my hand. He also thinks it's cute when I snore. He appreciates my scars and he's the ONLY guy I've ever told about my eczema.

He wants my mom to like him because he knows it means a lot to me. He wants to meet her.

I can't deny that he has my heart. And I honestly think he's the best thing that's happened to me since the early days of the SM situation. I smile a lot and he treats me so well. He strives to make me smile and to make me happy. It really seems too good to be true but I can't help but believe that maybe this time around, it really is real. I would do anything to keep him happy and to keep him with me.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for awhile, because I don't want to lose this feeling.

When the going gets ugly...

Anyone who knows me can vouch that would literally walk to the ends of the earth for one of my friends. I believe that my friends are the family I was supposed to have. It's not a shot against my nuclear family, but my friends provide me with the family that will tolerate anything and everything about who I really am. They are the ones who really know who I am. They are the ones who help shape the person I have become as well as the person I will continue to grow into.

There are only a few friends in my life that I think of as more than just friends. They are my family. They are my everything. As far as they are concerned, I would do anything and everything for them. I love them and would give my own life to protect them. It's not to say my friends have never been hurt in their lives or that I have always been able to protect them from the harshness that life may bring. But I always try to.

I have this friend from my childhood that I have become closer to within the last few years. My mom actually used to babysit her siblings and her when we were younger. That's actually how we met. Their family were the first people my family met when we moved into our [current] neighborhood. She and I have gotten so close we refer to each other as being sisters. I have always wanted a little sister so this was the perfect solution. Periodically when time permits, my sister and I meet up for coffee and catch up on life. College is hard enough as it is but it's worse when you start to lose touch with people close to you. Anyway, she and I grabbed some coffee after class today and took a walk. We talked about life and everything that has been going on in the past two weeks since we last hung out.

Somewhere along the way, the topic of this guy she once associated came up. She mentioned that she hated him and he was a horrible person. Being the big sister I am, I inquired about what happened and why things went so badly. The short version of her story was that she used to drink and party a lot during her freshman year of college. This guy took advantage of her while she was drunk- twice. Once when she was even blacked out. I stopped walking and looked at her. My mind couldn't comprehend what she was trying to tell me. What did she mean by "took advantage of her"? I almost couldn't bring myself to ask her the one burning question that I had. After stuttering through my first few questions without trying to be blunt about it, I realized it was something I had to ask, regardless of whether it was tactful or not. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer or not... I looked her in the eye and finally breathed out, "Did he rape you?" I will never forget that moment for the remainder of my life. My baby sister was raped.

Apparently her so called friends had left her completely drunk and nearly passed out both times and knew what had happened. They didn't say anything about it until it happened for the second time. It was the second time where she wasn't completely passed out. She stopped him mid way through and he had the audacity to claim he didn't know she didn't want to sleep with him. Seriously? What the fuck? There is NO reason for anyone to assume that a completely drunk girl wanted to have sex- especially if she's not even coherent enough to say otherwise.

She trusted him because he was a fellow comrade in the her Air Force program. He betrayed her trust and then denied it. He spread rumors about her and caused her even more pain. She was scared and abandoned by the people she was supposed to be able to trust. She reported him to her Captain but not the police. She felt like she didn't have enough evidence. He was kicked out of the Air Force program and is now in the National Guard.

It absolutely kills me that she didn't come to me about this. It's been over a year since it happened. She's strong but there are some things I know you're not supposed to go through alone.

I never understood what makes people think they can take advantage of people this way [or any way really]. What makes a guy think he can just take someone's innocence away from them and make them feel completely powerless in their own life? Why would anyone want to inflict such a feeling on someone else? Does it make them feel more powerful? If anything, shouldn't it make him feel inadequate? The only way he could get someone to have sex with him was to render them incapable of denying him and then proceeding to rape them?


tell me that world and then maybe I can try to fix the wrongs in it.

My mind is strong, but my heart is weak.

Spending this weekend with him made me realize how fast [and hard] I'm falling for him. I have always been the one who has to tell the other "please don't hurt me". But this time around, he was the first one to utter those four words. I am constantly terrified that when I'm with someone, they will end up hurting me. But really, I think it's because I think I get hurt so often as a result of me not being good enough to be with them. Why else would they not want to be with me? I know my thought process is becoming increasingly harmful to myself, but I can't bring myself to let it go. I need someone to prove to me that I really am worth it.

I don't want him to hurt me, but it would absolutely kill me if I somehow hurt him in anyway...


and that's what terrifies me right now.

Here we go again...

I'm jumping in head first. Cue round one. PLEASE let this be something more.

A smile can sing the praise of many unknowing souls

When I'm sitting somewhere and people watching, the first thing I usually notice about people are their smiles. To me it shows how carefree or friendly someone is. I believe a smile can go a long way, especially if someone is having a bad day and a random stranger just flashes them a smile while walking by. It doesn't take a whole lot to help make someone else smile. This is primarily the reason why I try to smile all the time- even when things in my life aren't as great as I would like them to be. Smile, because you never know who might be falling in love with it.

Usually when I meet someone and am trying to determine whether or not I am interest in him, I gauge it first on how well they can make me smile. By no means am I talking about him having to crack jokes all day long or anything of that nature. It's really about the little things. It might be the cute way he greets me with, "hi cutie" or if he takes the time to send me a text message first thing in the morning- just to wish me a good day. After awhile, I know I have a full on crush on someone if even the thought of hearing from him makes me smile. Or the sound of his voice does. Just knowing that person wants to hear from me and cares enough to make that difference in my life. That's when I know it's worthwhile.

Even though it's not a lot to go off of at first, it does allow me to determine whether or not I want to even pursue something. I will be the first to admit that I don't make the best decisions about how I end up dating or having a relationship with. But it doesn't mean that my methods are faulty. I'm starting to think maybe the people I meet are "faulty" or rather they just aren't the right person for me.

I hate to use this as an excuse to justify why I can't seem to keep a relationship [or someone interested in me] long enough to see if anything meaningful can come out of it. But I think it does carry some weight with it. When someone takes an interest in me and makes me smile in the ways I previously mentioned, then I'm usually putty in their hands. I jump headfirst into things even though I know I shouldn't. Perhaps that's why I get myself into the situations I do. I need to start listening to my brain and less to my heart.

Speaking to guys in general- you should always make a girl smile. Tears don't get you anywhere and really, making them smile is NOT a way of getting them to trust you or to play your stupid little games. It's something that makes them feel better about themselves, and hopefully it will make you feel better about yourself in return.

I am desperate to be loved like I know i deserve to be.

Really?

I've been talking to someone for the past week. He's sweet and weird- which I love because that's basically me in a nut shell. I have a crush on him and I told him so. He said he had one on me as well. Apparently it started when we first started talking. He thinks I'm pretty great, which is nice. It's not exactly a long distance thing...he's about two hours away from me.

Anyway, the reason why I bring it up is because we were talking about past loves. I told him about Seth...but not the hurtful things he did to me. Just that I loved him and it didn't end well. I dawned on me that we've only been broken up for about four months ago. That threw me for a loop because it honestly feels like forever ago.

Which led me to think...Jesse was just a month ago. Today.

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Trapped

I keep having dreams about you.
We run into each other after you get back from deployment.
The scene is at the place we met.
You don't see me at first but I'm strong.
So I approach you to say hello.
You stare at me like I'm no one.
Then I snap. I cry.
All I have left is you in my dreams.
They never end well.

It's like you really don't want me to be happy.

Overlooked

There are a select few in my life that know how I've met some of the guys I have dated. I'm not sure if I'm ashamed of it or not but I feel as though they wouldn't be willing to accept it as a possible truth. For the past few years I have been dabbling with online dating and for the most part, it hasn't been the awful experience many claim it to be. I signed up for True with the hope that I would be able to meet someone great- someone who I wouldn't have the ability to meet in real with otherwise. It allows two people to fall for each other without the outside complications. Which ultimately leads me to my problem.

The things I hear from guys on these dating sites are nothing I hear on an everyday basis. I've heard everything from how pretty I am or how intelligent I sound. They compliment me on exactly who I want to be. People approach me on there. I never get approached in real life. I constantly get asked why I'm still single and I always give them the same answer: "I just haven't found the right one yet." But really, I think I find the right ones and they end up burning me. Maybe it's not that they aren't the right ones. Maybe it's because I'm not the right one. If all of this guys on the dating site think I'm so great, than why don't the people I meet? What makes me so different on True and Match in comparison to who I am in real life?

I have had the pleasure of "meeting" the most amazing guys. They have been everything I've been looking for in my life. They have the traits that I think would work best with me. But yet they are always across the country. I have done the long distance twice now. The last one was against my better judgment and I have lost the desire to put myself in the position again. I realize there must be amazing guys where I live but it's not likely I'm going to cross paths with them. It's hopeless.

There's this one guy who I have been talking to for a few months. He is sincere and sweet. He takes care of his daughter and loves her more than anything in life. He's someone I could see myself being with. But the distance wasn't anything we wanted to deal with. We agreed there was a shared interest and it sucked that we couldn't do anything about it. I always knew he would meet something and his life would turn out the way he wanted it to. He sounded like he had doubts but I always knew. I found out today that he has found someone. He tells me she's a good person. I'm happy for him but yet I can't help but feel this twinge in my heart. I guess it's just one more good guy that's not available anymore. I don't think he and I will be talking anymore. New girlfriends don't tend to like that.

I'm so scared there's just something about me that people don't like. Something where guys know they don't want to end up with me. Jesse already has moved on. I guess an ex fiance never should have been an ex to him. Josh found someone close by. If for some reason Seth comes back from deployment and falls in love with some fantastic girl over there, my life would be complete. I don't understand why it's so easy for the people I fall for to find their perfect someone. Do I really not deserve the chance? Can I not be the girl that great guy falls for in the end?

They say to not let your past lead your future...but what if that's all I have? What if my past is really all I have to rely on with my life? Maybe I'm not meant to find the one that makes my knees weak. The one who brings a smile to my face just by the sound of their voice. I'm tried of wallowing in my self pity. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I can't pull myself out of this rut. I'm tired of blending into the shadows. I'm tired of constantly being overlooked.

Sometimes I feel like screaming out at the top of my lungs, "I fucking exist too!" Look at me!!!

If this is how it's supposed to be, this is not the life I want. I still believe I deserve more than what I've been given. If that makes me selfish than I guess I'll have to live with that. Because I have nothing else to hold on to anymore.

Tears fresh in an open wound...

Here's a big fuck you.

I'm glad I never wasted those words on you. I'm glad you never heard them get past my lips. All you had to do with tell me you didn't care about me and it would have save us a whole lot of trouble. Thanks for nothing.

Standstill

Seeing your name on my caller i.d. made me freeze in my tracks. Variations of "oh my god" swam through my already muddled head. I muster enough courage to force out a simple "hello" and waited for the unknown. You asked me how life was- about school, friends, family. You sounded sincere in your questions as I did in mine. We were never good at the small talk, so the conversation was strained. I felt like there was more to what you wanted to say but you wouldn't get into it. I wish you did.

For such a short length of time, my mind raced with everything I wanted to tell you. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice, seeing your face. But I held it all back. you left me. I don't know what to do about this. I feel as though I'm trapped underwater. i can't lift my head up and there's no one at my side to help me. You did this to me

Just 9 minutes of talking to you has uprooted my life more than I need it to be. I have spent so much energy trying to bury the feelings I still have for you. I've tried my best to move on and hide my tears. I haven't rebuilt my trust in others or regained my confidence yet, but there has been progress. And now...that's all shot to hell.

Allow me to be petty, but weeks of being together you never bothered to change your status. Girls would continue to hit on you thinking you were single. You told me you never think about changing it because you're only there to talk to friends. Well I saw it today. You changed it. You're in a relationship with some one else. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me it's your ex fiance. My mind agrees. My heart? Well it aches a little. I thought you two were just friends. You made it seem like there wasn't a way for you to get back together with her- especially after just two weeks of us being apart. I remember you neglecting to tell me she was your best friend- until the night we broke up. I can't bring myself to trust you about anything anymore.

Why did you even bother calling me? I should be nothing to you. You shouldn't think of me anymore. You shouldn't want to hear my voice. I didn't matter back then and I shouldn't matter right now. I'm not saying I'm just going to stop missing you. Or stop caring. You are constantly on my mind and I am sitting on pins and needles until you are deployed. After you leave, I will be praying for your safe return. I'm still terrified beyond belief about you being in the line fire. But it's nothing you need to know. Please forget me.

Stop hurting me. Stop making me believe that our lives still intertwine with one another. We were never really together. It's hard now to even think you were in love with me. Because i loved you, Jesse. Truly and honestly. But in return I got nothing but you giving up. You took it upon yourself to do what you needed to do. My opinion wasn't included. I fought for us and you just left me there, crying. You told me not to call you. Not to talk to you. So I didn't. Then you decided you wanted to talk to me...I hope it made you feel better but it only broke me down more.

Crashing down

Even though I hate you for what you did to me. For the things you dared to say to me. For making me believe the things you said tome. For allowing me to fall in love with you. For breaking my heart and making my life empty again.

My life sucks without you. I miss you- a lot. Much more than I ever let on to anyone. I'm supposed to forget about you. But my heart just won't let me. I miss hearing and knowing that you love me. I miss you teasing me about things and telling me I always make you smile.

But in the end, I still know it was a dream. None of it was real- I just wanted it to be. I wanted it to be real so badly I didn't see the bad in you. The bad in us. I met someone after you. He hurt me. You always said I could do better than you but I can't believe it for myself. Everyone I've met since you has done nothing but treat me poorly. If I'm as great as you used to say I am, then why won't anyone stay with me? Why can't I be the girl someone actually falls for?

I just want the dream to come back to me. If that can't happen then I want to purge you from my memory. I want to forget I ever met you. I wish I never fell in love with you. I wish...you NEVER decided to call me that one night. Why did you? You're gone and living your life and I'm left here trying to piece back my heart. But I can't because you still have it.

Split Second Devastation

My mind tells me I'm completely over you. That I'm completely over all of you. It tells me I no longer hurt or care for you. But then my mind wanders for a split second and it all comes rushing back to me. I think it's during those split seconds that my heart jumps in to make sure I'm aware of how hurt I still am.

My mind may have the ability to forget and forgive. But my heart neverwill.

First Impressions

There's something about me that makes me so desperate to please people. I like myself enough to know that I'm a good person but for some reason I can't seem to keep people around me. I lose friends, boyfriends, even people I just date.

This past weekend, I went on a "date". Actually I'm not really sure what to call it since it was just a first meeting grabbing lunch but I digress. I've been on hang outs with guys before. It's been one on one before. But for some reason I was incredibly nervous about this one. The quick story is that I "met" him on a dating website. We've exchanged a few e-mails and then he gave me his number. We conversed off and on and tried to make plans to meet up. Finally we agreed on Saturday for a slice of pizza near campus. Anyway, I made my room mate walk me half way to help calm my nerves. He had called earlier to let me know that he was going to run late so I had a few minutes to sit for a bit by myself. He showed up looking incredibly good looking. He apologized for being late- saying it wasn't a good first impression. He came off as being sweet and he paid for my slice of pizza. We sat and chatted for a while. Then he had to get to a group meeting. We awkwardly hugged good bye and parted ways. I didn't know what to think about the whole thing. But I did send him a text later that night thanking him and saying it was nice to meet him. I wished him a good night and I never heard from him. That was three days ago.

I don't really know how I feel about it. I understand the concept of not having things work out but I just wish there was a courtesy where the other party lets you know that they're not interested. I'm not big on the whole turn the other way method. I tend to feel like I'm left in the dark and I absolutely HATE it.

But really this point of this post was to stress my worry about the kind of first impression I make on people. I never seem to get past the first impression/first date concept. Well, I guess I kind of did with Seth but I don't really count that...I worry that there's something about me that isn't appealing to people when they first meet me.

I'm not horribly crushing on this guy or anything. I just think he's a good guy and I want to get to know him more. Everyone could use a new friend. Oh well, I'll probably just cut my losses. Oh well. I have other things to worry about.

Save Me. Catch Me. LOVE me.

I am not capable of being able to accept and move on. It's just about moving on. I don't know if i can do this anymore. I don't have time to deal with the crap I put myself through. I don't give myself time to heal.

I'm hurting. I'm broken. I'm self destructing and there's no one to stop me from continuously hurting myself. It's like I'm so used to being hurt that I don't know how to live my life otherwise.

Sunshine and Blue skies

I need to keep reminding myself that tomorrow is yet another day. It may be a bit cloudy and dark but sometimes, it just may surprise you.

Today was sunny and beautiful. My life feels alright right now. My friends are happy and they make me feel loved and appreciated.

May the rest of my days be more sunny than cloudy.

Inhale. Exhale. Freeze.

There is something to be said about being held in the arms of the one you care about. Whether it's a quick hug or a deep embrace. Whether if it's in public in broad daylight or in the privacy of your own home. There is that sense of security I receive from being held by my significant other. I'm by no means an entirely dependent person. I thrive on having my independence but I honestly believe that some things are better shared with someone else.

Cuddling is one of my favorite past times when I'm in a relationship with someone primarily because it makes me feel safe and protected. When I'm in their arms, I honestly feel like nothing bad could happen to me or anywhere in the world. Time seems to stop- even if it's just for that moment. I'm there with the person I want to be with and I savor every bit of warmth; every inhale and exhale; and all of my problems slowly evaporate from my mind.

In that one moment, it's just the two of us. We are the only two people that matter and being there with each other is the only thing that is relevant in life. That is the perfect moment. And that perfect moment is exactly what I'm missing in my life. It hurts a little inside knowing that when I long for such an emotion, I can't readily have it. It makes me want my boyfriend more and more each day. I long for someone to fall asleep with and wake up next to. Someone to cuddle with and keep me warm at night. Someone to think I'm special regardless of what I do or how I look.

I want that perfect moment back in my life.

Against the odds

It's hurtful when things I want most or look forward to the most are not within my reach. Having those things occur and present themselves in my life is well out of my own power. Maybe it's a sign that such things aren't supposed to happen in my life.

Regardless, if I don't make it to California in two weeks, my heart will ache a little more than it already does.

Pointless Relationships

I'm in a relationship but yet I feel so alone. I realize he can't be with me now but that's not the issue. We're supposed to be able to talk to each other. We're supposed to communicate our feelings and make sure no one is left in the dark. Without him having a working phone, we just don't talk anymore. When I send text messages to say hi or to see how his day is going, I feel like I'm bothering him. I get short responses, if anything at all. He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. It's starting to drive me crazy because there are ways to talk to me. Even if it's for a few minutes. He could borrow a phone from one of his friends. He could set up a web cam date or anything really.

I finally sent him a text today telling him that I have been getting a bad vibe about us. Apparently, things are rough for him right now, but I hate having to sit back and wonder about how he's doing. Or whether or not he even wants to be with me anymore. I don't like games and I feel like this is just a HUGE game. If I'm so important to him, shouldn't he want to talk to me about things? I guess he's going through something that I wouldn't understand but letting me know that something is wrong [and that it has nothing to do with our relationship] would do wonders. The feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is all too familiar. It's the same feeling I had before Seth left me. I know this feeling and I don't want anything to do with it.

My friend and I were talking today and I told her that I met my boyfriend on an online dating site. She has a friend who she thinks is perfect for me. He lives in town and recently graduated. I guess he wants to meet me- my friend sent him a picture of me and he said I was cute. As nice as this guy may sound to me, I don't think it's right for me to hang out with a guy [blindly] and not have it feel like a date. I was asked to be exclusive with my boyfriend and I'm as loyal as they come.

But what if Boyfriend is really trying to break it off? Why am I always the one who has to stick around and work for something that may already be pointless? I suppose I can't help who I care about or who I want to be with. But at least I try...

I guess this is just another one of those waiting games. I can sit and see whether or not Boyfriend is serious about wanting to be with me. Or I can be heartless and break it off with him through a text. Which I really don't want to do. Who knows. I don't have time to waste on a pointless relationship but my heart just won't let me let go.

I don't want to be stuck in a dead end if it means me missing a chance at something great in my life.

Happily Ever Never

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be the princess who gets rescued by her prince charming. Granted I have grown up quite a bit, so my fairy tale ending might actually include being rescued on a motorcycle by your cliche good, bad boy, but the idea still stands. I want to be unconditionally loved. I want to meet that one man who will look at me in all of my flawed glory and still say that he loves me, while looking me in the eyes.

I think that's my problem. I hold onto these unrealistic expectations and when I meet someone who says all the right things, I fall for them. I constantly set myself up for having my heart repeatedly broken. I read into signs that don't exist. I become attached when there's really no reason to do so. I give myself, all of myself, when any guy shows me any amount of...charm. I get swept up in the possibility that maybe I could actually be that princess. Admittedly, I'm naive. I play into the games and traps that guys set out. They know my type and I'm their prey. 99.7% of the time, they succeed and I'm left licking my wounds.

The fact of the matter is, I don't think I can trust anyone with my heart. It's the one thing I have to call my very own. It holds my soul, my ambitions, my truth. I've been hurt so many times over [and for the most part, it's my own fault], I just don't know if I have it in me to do it all over again. I'm so afraid of setting myself up for failure when I do meet the right person. My own fear will be my downfall. I suppose in a sense, I am my own worst enemy. I figure the only person I have is myself. So why do I need to put myself in the line of fire again? And this is where the story gets a little difficult.

I'm in what I think is a relationship. No, it is a relationship. He asked me to be exclusive. I am head over heels for him. I'm in love with him. I care about him with everything I have...but something feels off. I don't know if this is me second guessing myself or maybe there's something more to it. He's younger than me by a little over two years. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he just wants the idea of having a girlfriend but not the serious nature of it. I want to be able to settle down soon. I want to start my life.

I want nothing more than to talk about all of this with him. I want to be able to sit and look into his eyes; just so I can read his expressions. I want to curl up next to him and have him hold me while I cry. Because crying right now, alone, is pathetic. I want to make sure this is real and he's in it for the long run. I can't help but fear that this is just another of those cruel tricks. It's been three days since I last heard his voice. Apparently his phone broke and he can only text. But he doesn't even do that anymore. Our relationship is hard enough as it is due to the distance, but now that we don't have our nightly phone conversations, I feel as though I'm losing him.

But what if I'm not and it's my mind playing tricks on me? Have I really become so scared of being happy that I can't even allow the possibility? People tell me I deserve the best. That my kind heart is priceless. But why don't the people I fall for see that? Why do I continuously get my heart broken? I wish I was still the same girl who was new to the dating world. The girl who would date and feel with abandon. I miss her. I would give anything to be able to hold on to who I used to be.

"If a guy is into you, he will make it happen. He will call. He will ask you out. He will do everything and anything to make you his."

So now it's a waiting game. Is he going to make it happen? My heart tells me to stay but it aches in the process. My mind tells me to run. I don't know what to do.

Victim of a foolish heart

It's been much too long since I have sat down and taken the time to write something of substance in this journal. Absolutely no one I know realizes I have this one so I'm completely safe to write what I want. It's nice though because I made the mistake of informing some people about the url to this but thanks to blogspot, I was able to change my address so the link they may have saved is no longer valid. Pretty crafty right?

Jesse and I have been in an official relationship for oh, about two weeks as of today. If my relationship with S.M was a whirlwind, THIS one surely takes the cake. We've only known each other for three weeks and we are completely head over heels for each other. We met online [Which I know a lot of people in my life wouldn't understand or may even judge me for] and we have never met in person. We have been getting to know each other through lengthy phone calls, text messages, web cam dates [not like that!] and exchanging pictures. He truly makes me smile and feel cared for. He says the sweetest things to me and believes that I'm absolutely perfect for him. And I believe the same thing. He has said nor done anything that would make me doubt his intentions. I know this feeling. It's love. I honestly am head over heels in love with him. Trust me, I realize how crazy it sounds, but I can't help how I feel. Perhaps it's foolish for me to feel like this. Maybe I'm rebounding?

No, I'm not. Rebounding happened at the clubs over break. This is real. He is proving himself to be everything S.M was and wasn't. Focus on the Wasn't aspect. After a week of knowing Jesse, I started to think back on S.M. I don't know what I didn't think of it before, but the things he said to me were things NO ONE should ever have to hear. Especially from someone who claimed to love you. I was called everything from a whore to a "fucking cunt". Yeah, that's right. He called me that while in bed with me and then proceeded to claim he didn't remember doing it. I hate myself for being so naive to believe anything out of his mouth.

But this Jesse character. He makes me swoon. He treats me better than anyone I've ever dated. He cares more about me than his own self. He's constantly talks about the future with me. Engagements, marriage, families. He gives me hope that I deserve all of those things. He supports me in my goals as I do his. We wish we lived closer but he has never put that against me. He understands I need to finish school and that it's unfair to make me uproot my life just to have him deployed. He's selfless.

He's taking it upon himself to use his own money to fly me out to LA for a weekend. Pay for my hotel. Just to see me. I leave on the 20th until the 22nd. It just so happens to fall on our one month together. I'm growing increasingly anxious. I can't wait to know how it feels to be in his arms, to hug and kiss him. Just to look him in his eyes and tell him I love him. This could be the weekend that will change my life.

I think my problem with long distance relationships is that they work well for me. It takes away the pressure of having to question the motives of the other. He's not just trying to play me or get in my pants. I mean, he's over a thousand miles away! I do trust him and I honestly believe he's in this relationship for the right reasons. He has reaffirmed my faith in love and I really do feel like I'm blessed to have met him.

I haven't been this happy in awhile and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I suppose it's lame of me to say, but if I ever into SM again, I would take it in stride. I would show him that I did better and I am stronger than ever.

All I need is a true love and Jesse Neikirk might just be it.

Deep Breaths...

I truly feel blessed when life throws good things my way. Meeting him has made me life that much more optimistic. I smile constantly now. I'm more focused on everything. I'm happy again. And he made me realize that even though things were bad in the past, I will always deserve something great in the future.

I feel Isolated

Before bed, I usually spend a little bit of time reading blogs on some of the communities I'm a part of. This isn't my only online journal; it's actually my third. I have always felt the need to write but for some reason when I realize people are actually reading it, I stop writing in that journal. I think a part of me is afraid that someone might think my writing style is junk or that the topics I write about are frivolous. But I think my biggest fear is that someone might actually understand where I'm coming from.

One of my favorite topics to read and write about is love and everything that is related to it. I will be the first to admit that I don't have a lot of experience on the matter but it doesn't mean that my own knowledge of it doesn't apply. Anyway, earlier this evening, I stumbled upon a blog that questioned the difference between like, lust, and love. The blogger suggested that the reason for why dating and relationships are so difficult is because people have a hard time differentiating between the three and thus leading to ill perceived situations.

Like is something that can be both temporary and lasting. It shows a general appreciation for something, whether living or not. It's not really a strong feeling. You can like your friends but you can also just like walking or even cheese.


Lust to me, is a feeling that is driven more so by passion. It can be purely a physical lust for someone. It can also be described as being an infatuation. This is usually considered to be more short term rather than long term. Well, unless you want to turn into a full on stalker that is driven so strongly by lust that you end up building a shrine for the object of your lust....but I digress.

And above all else, my favorite: love. Love is the feeling of unconditional acceptance. It's a combination of like and a healthy dose of lust. It's a person's ability to accept and "love" another regardless of their flaws. Love is formed when you realize that regardless of all the arguments or tears, you still don't want to live your life without them. Your love doesn't make you whole but rather compliments you. It's the other person who makes life all that much better. The one who sticks with you through thick and thin. Love prevails in the heart, even if things don't work out on the surface, or what I like to call, "the real world".

I have experienced all three of these emotions. I happen to like a lot of things in my life. They are the simple things I encounter in everyday life. I lust after Jensen Ackles [my celebrity crush] and that cute pair of shoes I see at Nordstrom. But above all else, I love my friends, family, and my life. I have been blessed enough to have loved someone I thought was the one to further compliment my life but it wasn't right. I know I will be able to love again someday. But for now, like and lust is good enough for me.

So I pose the question, can you really tell which emotion you're feeling? Or is it just something that has to play out before you realize what it really was?

Questionable thinking

I absolutely adore kids. They are so adorable, so sweet, and absolutely sincere. I can't wait until I get to raise my own kids someday. Everyone tells me I'll be a great mother, but I can't help but doubt my own ability. I have so much love to give and I would love to give my whole heart to someone and love them unconditionally.

But what if I can't do it? What if I turn out to be a terrible mother? What if I'm just not meant to have kids?

This is the thought process that comes up when I start liking a guy who already has a daughter. She's already the love of his life and I think it's wonderful how devoted he is to her. I don't want to step on any toes and be the "step mother" but....what if? That's the problem with getting older. The guys I date might actually have kids already. I don't mind being a step mother, but what if I'm just not good at it? It would break my heart if the kids didn't love me in return.

It is what it is

We all know how the saying goes: "everything happens for a reason". I absolutely dislike this phrase. I've been hearing this all my life. I remember asking my mom why bad things keep happening to me and I received that phrase as a response. I was a lot younger then so my mind had difficulties comprehending what she meant.

Years later I still find myself struggling to understand it. Everything happens for a reason? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do bad things happen to good people? Neither of those instances make any sense to me. I personally believe I am a good person. I work hard to have what I do and I try my best to better myself. I don't cause harm to others nor do I cheat or steal.

With that being said, I also realize I have my faults. I am far from perfect. I have told lies before. I have found myself disliking people. I have broken laws [speeding and drinking when I was still a minor]. I'm not incredibly intelligent and school is hard. I don't trust people, therefore making relationships difficult. I struggle to be a good person at times.

But overall, I TRY. And if the so called fates have something else in store for me that counters everything I try to do in my life, I guess I no choice but to go along with it. I can't let them win. I can't [won't] be defeated by some unknown being. If fate wants bad things to happen to be ...well, I'm dying to know what the reasons are.

The late bloomer

People complain about how difficult it is to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. They say for some unknown reason, they aren't able to meet the right people or they never get approached by people. Then come the complaints about how they hate being single or they're jealous of seeing happy couples around them.

To be honest, I'm one of those people. As much as I hate to admit it, I just can't help but feel this way. I tend to think of myself as being a late bloomer. I didn't date in high school like everyone else. I didn't get my first official kiss until the first year of college. My first real relationship wasn't until my third year of college. Sex didn't come around until I was 20. I can honestly say I've had two real relationships in my life. One in which broke my heart but I was in love. So many of my friends are engaged, married, seriously in love, or even with kids already. I'm starting to feel like I will always be the late bloomer of the group. It's as though my luck has never gotten me anywhere.

I know what I want in my life. I want to: finish school, move to the east coast, be a social worker, fall in love and have it returned, see the world, raise a family, be happy. I would love to have someone to share that with me. Someone to be by my side when things go amazingly well...and for the times when the world seems to crumble at my feet.

I want him to be sweet, sincere. Outgoing and determined. Strong willed and strong minded. I want him to have an open heart to love unconditionally. To accept me for all of my flaws and to have his own flaws for me to love. Someone to hold me when I'm sad and to make me laugh until tears come to my eyes. I want someone to be there to make me smile. I don't need the movie star good looks or the riches. I need a man with a kind heart.

I don't think I ask for too much. I understand that things happen when they're supposed to. Don't go looking for it, it will find you. Those sayings are common but as much as I want to just be patient, sometimes it becomes to difficult. I thought I had it all at one point and in another instance, I lost it. I wish fate would stop playing games. I deserve to be happy.

So really, is it that hard to meet someone? Or is it our fault? Perhaps we are so focused on finding the perfect someone that we're closing ourselves off from the people who are around us every day. Our standards are too high and I think it's starting to result in the wrong people getting together.

The stages of Mourning

A friend pointed out that I have gone through the stages of grief after having my heart broken by him. I never thought about it that way, but it's true. I really have. I definitely haven't followed the steps in order though, but I have gone through them all. Apparently I don't tend to follow the rules, so going through the steps out of order was expected for me. My friend knows me all too well.


I have concluded that I do hate him. I hate him for making the decision to end us by himself. I hate him for breaking my heart. I hate him for leaving me behind when he promised me forever.


But after all of that hate, I realize I will always love him. He will always be my first love and there's nothing that would replace that in my heart. He's becoming nothing more than a memory. The smell of his colonge on my pillows and blanket are surely fading. And before long, he will be nothing but the person who will always hold a small piece of my heart and my past.

Rambling of Sorts

There is a lot to say about relationships. To me, there are two approaches to them- you can have a personal relationship face to face where you can see each other as often as you wish or you can have a relationship that is long distance where the primary growth of the relationship is dependent on phone calls, text messages and the occasional [rare] visit. People would ultimately want to choose the relationship that wasn't long distance because of the close factor. Many people don't believe it's possible to fall in love over any other technological means.

I understand the desperate need for two people to spend time with each other. To touch and hold each other. To look into each others' eyes. The sense of touch is what further deepens the love two people can share. There's nothing I love more than to be held by someone. It makes me feel safe; as though nothing in the world could go wrong because I have someone who wants to protect me from the rest of the world. But I do have faith that there are other methods of falling in love and being able to find that one person who truly accepts you for who you are- even with all of your flaws.

But on the other hand, I have fallen in love with someone over the phone. I have loved someone I have only seen in person three times. Our entire relationship was based on phone calls, pictures and text messages. But at the time it felt like real love. I realize that things ended horribly with that relationship but it was real to me.

I still have faith in long distance relationships, even if they are difficult to maintain. I still think that if it's worth it, two people will work through the distance. Things are meant to happen. Where there's faith, there's the possibility.


Some day....the possibility will be mine.

Don't forget to BREATHE

So why is it that when I meet someone who thinks I'm absolutely perfect, he's on the other side of the country. At least this time we both know it's not something we should get into. Seriously.

On the other hand, my posts have become increasingly mindless as of late. This is a direct result of my starting Winter term. Tomorrow is just my fourth day of the term and I'm already burnt out. This is going to easily be the worst term of my college career. I have so many chapters to read in such a short amount of time. Two novels to read for two different classes, plus one extra for a book review. Two group presentations and one group paper on top of one individual paper...for ONE CLASS. Seriously! Combine that with the time I need to study and sleep. Oh and eat? Yeah, talk about fucking wonderful. But on the brighter side of things, I'm loving my Anthropology 381 class as well as my Art class. Yay for pointless classes that I need to take for my liberal arts degree. I'm so tired....

It's a good world.

There are still some good people out there. Whether it's the guy who held open the door for me today or the random stranger who smiled at me when I walked by. It's those little things that make me realize the world isn't all that bad. I don't remember when I lost my optimistic self, but I miss her.


P.S: I absolutely love sleeping in my Brandon Roy jersey. <3

Once Upon a Time...

Can you imagine getting engaged on Christmas day? What about packing up your life and driving across the country to live with your fiance? Now how about if you and your fiance got married on New Year's Day? Just imagine marrying your best friend. The one person you know who is right for you.

I can. I would have in a heart beat. If he proposed to me, I would drop everything to be with him. Except now I'm dealing with something different. I'm living the nightmare.

My friend did all those things. She and her [now] husband are so in love. I can honestly say I have never seen any two people so head over heels for each other. They never fight or at least they just have small arguments but that's as far as it goes. They are perfect for each other and everyone can see it. No one judges the quick engagement and marriage. We all know it's right.

She is living the fairy tale ending. She's the princess who found her prince charming. And now they live happily ever after. I want what they have. I want it so badly it hurts. I wanted it with him...

Someday I will have that fairy tale. My prince charming will come. Underneath all of my flaws, there is a bit of a princess in me. And this princess is going to move on with her life. He always said he'd take me to my first Blazers game. Well, guess what?



Looks like I can hold my own.

Determination

It's been a few days since I started my healthier eating habits. My portions are a lot smaller and I eat small snacks every 4 hours or so. I am determined to keep this up. I am determined to lose weight and be healthier. I am determined to do something to feel better about myself. I need to feel worthy again.

The last month has taken a huge toll on me- mentally, emotionally and physically. I dove head first into self pitying, eating sweets, and all out feeling ultimately defeated. I'm starting to find myself more and more each day. I can't say I'm over Him or that I'm not hurting anymore, but it's getting easier for me to push those feelings to the back of my head. I know I need to focus on myself now, more than ever.

The new term starts tomorrow and I'm sitting in bed right now, freaking out a bit. There are only a few things I need to focus on right now- school and the health of my mom and my sister. That's all that matters for the moment. I'm sure there will be moments when I find myself getting distracted with something, but I hope it doesn't result in the downfall of my own success.

Side note: I've started to pray every night before bed. I pray for his safety overseas. Does that mean I'm not letting go? Or is it just because I still [will always] care for him?

Hello Mr. Police man, Sir.

2009 has started off with a bang...or rather a multitude of lights. The lights from a police car, none the less. I was heading to the book store to buy books for the term. I completed my turn and looked in the rear view mirror. The ever so familiar flashing, red, blue and white lights. The first thing I thought was "what did I do wrong?!" I was pulled over today for making an unprotected left turn and not yielding. For some reason I thought I had right of way. I didn't. The officer was kind enough to let me go with a warning. He must have known I had never been pulled over before because I didn't even know what my car registration looked like. I had to ask him. Rookie mistake. I've never been pulled over for anything in the 5+ years of driving. I always thought I would be one of those girls who cried and tried to weasel their way out of the ticket, but I'm proud to say I was calm and responsible about the whole situation. I apologized and admitted my own mistake. Why lie? I think that helped in my avoiding a ticket. Although I'm still kicking myself for being so stupid to begin with, I'm proud that I was able to deal with the situation in a responsible manner.

But God forbid it ever happen again!

Kill the Lights

Any way I look at it now, it all boils down to one point. He just wasn't into me. Yes, I realize that's a cliche statement but it applies to my situation. For the most part, if a guy is remotely interested in a woman, they will make the effort. Seth had me fooled. He appeared to be making the effort and then once he realized he was crazy for "loving" me, he bailed. A decent guy would have broken up with me but He didn't. He walked out of my life with not so much as a single word and never looked back. I don't know what prompts guys to do this, but I am dying to find out. But I guess until then, I'll be making the same mistakes over and over again because I just can't seem to stop being so naive.

Wonderful.

I spent the entire winter break hoping that once I returned to Corvallis, there would be a letter sitting in my mail box from him, explaining everything. It would contain sweet words and the answers to all of my questions. I would get my closure and then I would move on. But low and behold, I drove back earlier tonight and checked my mail- nothing but junk. I guess I should know better than to get my hopes up.

p.s: my blanket still smells like him.

The first of many...

I stared at my reflection in the mirror last night, while getting ready. It would be one of the last times I would be seeing the 2008 reflection of who I was. I painstaking made sure I looked remarkable last night. The little black dress with the silver heels. My hair and make up portrayed the confidence I wanted others to see. I walked out of my house with my chin held high. It was the night I was to let everything go and start fresh.

I joined two of my friends for dinner before heading out downtown to meet up with some others for the remainder of the night. It was a little awkward at first because there were two guys, a couple, and Lissa and me. Lissa and I treated the night like the single women we were/are. It was nice to enjoy a few drinks with friends. The dance floor was packed with people single, coupled, and looking alike. We had a table, perfect for people watching. I recognized some people but they weren't who I wished to associate with in the New Year.

I was approached by a few guys. One was someone who waited on our table when the girls and I went to the Olive Garden last Sunday for lunch. He stopped me when I walked by and apparently he remembered me. He seemed like a sweet guy. Then another guy said hello and asked if I was single. I smiled and said yes while I walked away. He was definitely more interested in my chest than me. One guy decided he was going to force me to dance with him- Lissa put an end to that.

While sitting at our table, I noticed a group sitting by us. There was a guy who had an amazing sense of style. He was put together but it didn't look like he was trying too hard. He was good looking and ironically enough, [at least for me] he was also Asian. He danced and seemed to be having fun and I sat there wishing I had the guts to go up to him. I couldn't figure out if he was with anyone but I never did anything about it. We made eye contact many times throughout the night and then towards the end, he asked Lissa to take a picture of him and his group. Then he asked us if we were alone and when we told me we were, he started dancing with me. If only we figured out we were single earlier. One of his friends did take a picture of us dancing...so there's a chance we'll cross paths again. But for that night, it was fun. Freeing. Young.

The deejay was fantastic- straight from Vegas. The countdown began as the crowd packed onto the dance floor. This was it. The moment everyone was waiting for. We counted down the last ten seconds in unison and erupted into cheers. Good bye 2008, hello 2009. There were hugs and kisses all around. I kissed Lissa and Alina. Hugged Ryan. My heart ached a bit when I saw Alina and Ryan kiss. I've never had the actual midnight kiss. And when I thought about it, Seth wouldn't have been here with me at midnight anyway. So it's fitting he won't be with me for the next year, at all. This was the start of a new beginning. I looked around, realizing this is exactly where I should be. With my friends for the start and the end of every year. They are the ones who stick with me. The true ones don't ever leave. And really, that's all I'll ever need.

Happy New Year.