Sunday, April 26, 2009
Bliss...
The loud knock on the door was strong and steady. It was him.
I opened the door with a big smile to see him smiling right back at me- red roses in his hand.
He puts his bags down and I leap into his arms for a hug...one week in the making.
It felt so right.
He slides into his spot on the bed and moves over to make room for me.
I take my spot, curled up next to him; my head resting on his chest.
His hand reaches over and entwines with mine and our breathing slows to match one another.
And then he says what my heart has feeling...
"I honestly am falling in love with you."
I tilt my head up to look him in the eye. I can see him staring back at me through the faint light streaming in from outside.
He kisses me on my forehead and together, we fall asleep.
I opened the door with a big smile to see him smiling right back at me- red roses in his hand.
He puts his bags down and I leap into his arms for a hug...one week in the making.
It felt so right.
He slides into his spot on the bed and moves over to make room for me.
I take my spot, curled up next to him; my head resting on his chest.
His hand reaches over and entwines with mine and our breathing slows to match one another.
And then he says what my heart has feeling...
"I honestly am falling in love with you."
I tilt my head up to look him in the eye. I can see him staring back at me through the faint light streaming in from outside.
He kisses me on my forehead and together, we fall asleep.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Hello Sunshine
I need to remind myself to keep breathing. I need to understand that my past cannot define my present. I want this so badly and I am going to fight tooth and nail for it. The things He does for me are beyond amazing. My favorite moment of having him here with me is falling asleep curled next to him. A close second favorite is when he wakes up early in the morning and fixes the blankets to make sure I'm warm enough. <3 I always whisper "thank you", in my sleepy voice. I hope he hears it before I drift back to sleep.
I may be stressed out. Mentally exhausted. Sniffley from allergies. But I am so happy.
I may be stressed out. Mentally exhausted. Sniffley from allergies. But I am so happy.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Cloudy Days
Today was one of those days- the one where you just want to break down and cry. I'm not proud to admit it. I know I'm supposed to take things in stride and roll with it but I'm tired. I'm mentally, physically exhausted.
All I wanted to do when I got home today was curl up with him. And then I was sucked back into reality when I realized he's not here. Cue sad panda. He tried making things better but I didn't make it easy for him. Then he called. And for those 20 minutes, my day was suddenly brighter.
He's simply amazing.
All I wanted to do when I got home today was curl up with him. And then I was sucked back into reality when I realized he's not here. Cue sad panda. He tried making things better but I didn't make it easy for him. Then he called. And for those 20 minutes, my day was suddenly brighter.
He's simply amazing.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sping Lusting?
He gave me his heart and believe we're absolutely perfect for each other. He claims that I'm sweet, adorable, cute, and silly. He tells me I'm so good to him and he can't believe we're together. He spends his weekends in Corvallis just to be with me. We take naps together and he never lets me pay for anything. He cuddles me and holds my hand. He also thinks it's cute when I snore. He appreciates my scars and he's the ONLY guy I've ever told about my eczema.
He wants my mom to like him because he knows it means a lot to me. He wants to meet her.
I can't deny that he has my heart. And I honestly think he's the best thing that's happened to me since the early days of the SM situation. I smile a lot and he treats me so well. He strives to make me smile and to make me happy. It really seems too good to be true but I can't help but believe that maybe this time around, it really is real. I would do anything to keep him happy and to keep him with me.
I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for awhile, because I don't want to lose this feeling.
He wants my mom to like him because he knows it means a lot to me. He wants to meet her.
I can't deny that he has my heart. And I honestly think he's the best thing that's happened to me since the early days of the SM situation. I smile a lot and he treats me so well. He strives to make me smile and to make me happy. It really seems too good to be true but I can't help but believe that maybe this time around, it really is real. I would do anything to keep him happy and to keep him with me.
I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for awhile, because I don't want to lose this feeling.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
When the going gets ugly...
Anyone who knows me can vouch that would literally walk to the ends of the earth for one of my friends. I believe that my friends are the family I was supposed to have. It's not a shot against my nuclear family, but my friends provide me with the family that will tolerate anything and everything about who I really am. They are the ones who really know who I am. They are the ones who help shape the person I have become as well as the person I will continue to grow into.
There are only a few friends in my life that I think of as more than just friends. They are my family. They are my everything. As far as they are concerned, I would do anything and everything for them. I love them and would give my own life to protect them. It's not to say my friends have never been hurt in their lives or that I have always been able to protect them from the harshness that life may bring. But I always try to.
I have this friend from my childhood that I have become closer to within the last few years. My mom actually used to babysit her siblings and her when we were younger. That's actually how we met. Their family were the first people my family met when we moved into our [current] neighborhood. She and I have gotten so close we refer to each other as being sisters. I have always wanted a little sister so this was the perfect solution. Periodically when time permits, my sister and I meet up for coffee and catch up on life. College is hard enough as it is but it's worse when you start to lose touch with people close to you. Anyway, she and I grabbed some coffee after class today and took a walk. We talked about life and everything that has been going on in the past two weeks since we last hung out.
Somewhere along the way, the topic of this guy she once associated came up. She mentioned that she hated him and he was a horrible person. Being the big sister I am, I inquired about what happened and why things went so badly. The short version of her story was that she used to drink and party a lot during her freshman year of college. This guy took advantage of her while she was drunk- twice. Once when she was even blacked out. I stopped walking and looked at her. My mind couldn't comprehend what she was trying to tell me. What did she mean by "took advantage of her"? I almost couldn't bring myself to ask her the one burning question that I had. After stuttering through my first few questions without trying to be blunt about it, I realized it was something I had to ask, regardless of whether it was tactful or not. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer or not... I looked her in the eye and finally breathed out, "Did he rape you?" I will never forget that moment for the remainder of my life. My baby sister was raped.
Apparently her so called friends had left her completely drunk and nearly passed out both times and knew what had happened. They didn't say anything about it until it happened for the second time. It was the second time where she wasn't completely passed out. She stopped him mid way through and he had the audacity to claim he didn't know she didn't want to sleep with him. Seriously? What the fuck? There is NO reason for anyone to assume that a completely drunk girl wanted to have sex- especially if she's not even coherent enough to say otherwise.
She trusted him because he was a fellow comrade in the her Air Force program. He betrayed her trust and then denied it. He spread rumors about her and caused her even more pain. She was scared and abandoned by the people she was supposed to be able to trust. She reported him to her Captain but not the police. She felt like she didn't have enough evidence. He was kicked out of the Air Force program and is now in the National Guard.
It absolutely kills me that she didn't come to me about this. It's been over a year since it happened. She's strong but there are some things I know you're not supposed to go through alone.
I never understood what makes people think they can take advantage of people this way [or any way really]. What makes a guy think he can just take someone's innocence away from them and make them feel completely powerless in their own life? Why would anyone want to inflict such a feeling on someone else? Does it make them feel more powerful? If anything, shouldn't it make him feel inadequate? The only way he could get someone to have sex with him was to render them incapable of denying him and then proceeding to rape them?
tell me that world and then maybe I can try to fix the wrongs in it.
There are only a few friends in my life that I think of as more than just friends. They are my family. They are my everything. As far as they are concerned, I would do anything and everything for them. I love them and would give my own life to protect them. It's not to say my friends have never been hurt in their lives or that I have always been able to protect them from the harshness that life may bring. But I always try to.
I have this friend from my childhood that I have become closer to within the last few years. My mom actually used to babysit her siblings and her when we were younger. That's actually how we met. Their family were the first people my family met when we moved into our [current] neighborhood. She and I have gotten so close we refer to each other as being sisters. I have always wanted a little sister so this was the perfect solution. Periodically when time permits, my sister and I meet up for coffee and catch up on life. College is hard enough as it is but it's worse when you start to lose touch with people close to you. Anyway, she and I grabbed some coffee after class today and took a walk. We talked about life and everything that has been going on in the past two weeks since we last hung out.
Somewhere along the way, the topic of this guy she once associated came up. She mentioned that she hated him and he was a horrible person. Being the big sister I am, I inquired about what happened and why things went so badly. The short version of her story was that she used to drink and party a lot during her freshman year of college. This guy took advantage of her while she was drunk- twice. Once when she was even blacked out. I stopped walking and looked at her. My mind couldn't comprehend what she was trying to tell me. What did she mean by "took advantage of her"? I almost couldn't bring myself to ask her the one burning question that I had. After stuttering through my first few questions without trying to be blunt about it, I realized it was something I had to ask, regardless of whether it was tactful or not. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer or not... I looked her in the eye and finally breathed out, "Did he rape you?" I will never forget that moment for the remainder of my life. My baby sister was raped.
Apparently her so called friends had left her completely drunk and nearly passed out both times and knew what had happened. They didn't say anything about it until it happened for the second time. It was the second time where she wasn't completely passed out. She stopped him mid way through and he had the audacity to claim he didn't know she didn't want to sleep with him. Seriously? What the fuck? There is NO reason for anyone to assume that a completely drunk girl wanted to have sex- especially if she's not even coherent enough to say otherwise.
She trusted him because he was a fellow comrade in the her Air Force program. He betrayed her trust and then denied it. He spread rumors about her and caused her even more pain. She was scared and abandoned by the people she was supposed to be able to trust. She reported him to her Captain but not the police. She felt like she didn't have enough evidence. He was kicked out of the Air Force program and is now in the National Guard.
It absolutely kills me that she didn't come to me about this. It's been over a year since it happened. She's strong but there are some things I know you're not supposed to go through alone.
I never understood what makes people think they can take advantage of people this way [or any way really]. What makes a guy think he can just take someone's innocence away from them and make them feel completely powerless in their own life? Why would anyone want to inflict such a feeling on someone else? Does it make them feel more powerful? If anything, shouldn't it make him feel inadequate? The only way he could get someone to have sex with him was to render them incapable of denying him and then proceeding to rape them?
tell me that world and then maybe I can try to fix the wrongs in it.
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