Love-aphobia?

I recently discovered a blog of which I quite enjoy reading. The author writes (quite eloquently) about a lost love and the struggle she experiences in moving forward all while battling her thoughts and emotions. I think she is brilliant. She is able to capture the things I think and feel but actually succeed in putting them into words for others to read and relate to. For that, I admire. I attempt to do that but what I intend to say or rather write, often gets lost in translation. One subject She brought up was the idea of being afraid to love verses being afraid to be loved.

I have been hurt quite a bit in the few years I have been dating. There have been many tears shed over the relationship failures I have experienced. Specificially Seth, Mike, and Jesse. I sincerely think they had the biggest impact on my life and the woman I have become. I approach relationships and or dating in a very cautious manner because of them. My past relatonships act as lessons of what (not) to do in the future. After all that hurt- all that pain- I still find myself jumping headfirst into something when my heart tells me to.

I do not believe I am afraid of being loved. I seem to desire that feeling more than anything at the moment. I want to be loved and treated like I am worthwhile. I am, however, afraid of being hurt. JN told me that he would rather "be alone than get hurt again." As a result he is shuttig himself down to protect himself. Part of me does understand this but the other optimistic side hates this. I understand what it feels like to have your heart broken (cue Seth). But I do not think I would give up on the chance of finding someone else to love again. If I shut myself down, will I miss out on meeting someone truly wonderful?

After Seth I felt lost and completely alone. I told myself I would not love anyone else. Then I met Jesse. And then Mike. I obviously loved again and although those relationships did not end the way I would have liked them to, I proved to myself that I was worthwhile. That I could love again. Having the strength to move on each time have given more faith in not giving up. There has to be someone out there for me. Someone who is willing to take the same risks that I am in order to find that one person who complements me.

Perhaps my past has given me several different view points on how to view relationships and dating. I know I am a lot more cynical than I should be at this age. I honestly wish I was not this way. I miss my innocent, optimistic self. I miss believing in the happily ever after. I miss being able to trust someone with my whole self. I am so different now.

When someone tells me how great I am or how beautiful I am, I cannot bring myself to believe them. It takes someone special to make me feel as though they are telling the truth. And only a select few have been able to do that. As of late, JN was the one who I believed last. I just wish he would allow himself to try again- to not be afraid of being loved. I miss how he used fight for what he believed in.

Love in all of its' glory is a risk. It is an experience and a life lesson. It can break you and build you back up. It does not stand the test of time but rather grows and evolves- for the better or for the worse.