Free write

The silver lining

To reach this point and have no leverage.
To realize I have no societal value-
My mind races and my stomach churns.
I have the means to take a stand.
I need to take this stand
for me.
For what I want- what I need.

The unseen forces of reality
continuously knock me down.
way down- to where I just might belong.

Blind faith is all I have- all I am left grasping for
In hopes that there is a light at the end
Of that tunnel I hear so much about.
That things will work out in the end.

I desperately seek that silver lining-
Within these clouds, surrounding my very existence.
I climb back up in hopes of standing on my own
To believe that I, too, can reach the glistening lining of hope.
With my finger tips reaching- just barely grazing
the mystical hope inspiring silver lining of these dark clouds.

Just when my finger tips inch closer to hope,
the overwhelming sense of reality smacks into me,
Yet again.
My fingers close and grasp nothing. Emptiness.
My heart grasps nothing but despair.

Once again I gather the courage to stand yet again
for me not them.
But within a blink of an eye, it pulls away
Like the waves of an endless ocean.
Lost and alone. That’s all I have.

With that one moment, I finally understand.
There is no silver lining within my grasps.
Within my means.
Left with only my own desire to stand tall once more,
I can only hope that believing in faith
Rather than having is
Will really be enough.

At least for me.

Confidence

Today has been one of those days I will later choose not to remember. It is true when they say, "when it rains, it pours."

I want to have the ability to feel confident in the decision I make in life. As I grow older, I realize there will be many decisions I will have to face in the future and I know I will make them. But I am terrified that I will not know which is the right one to make. I constantly find myself doubting whether or not I did the right thing and that only results in me agnonizing over the situation for quite some time. It just kills me inside. I want to be the person decides something and acts on it. I want to think, act and be happy with it. What's done is done, right?

I am terrified that this constant state of doubt is going to cause me to remain in this identity. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I would give anything to walk around in the world feeling like I belonged in this skin. To create an image and air of confidence in which people would take notice and respect. I don't want to be the the girl people walk all over to get what THEY want in exchange for what I was trying to get. Why is it always at the expense of my happiness?

I learned in class that people will not change and or accept advice unless they are ready to. I understand that but I am sitting here wanting so badly to change. I am ready but where is the help? Where is the change? I want someone to grab me by the shoulders and magically instill me with the knowledge and confidence I need to make it in the world.

The more I study psychology the more I start to pick out traits that I find in myself. I need saving. I need a change. I need to feel like me.

For once, please, I need to do this for myself. I don't know who I am pleading to but please guide me towards a light that will save me from the darkness I have encased myself in. Let me break through and show the world the person I just might be or even the person I so desperately desir to be.

I want my life.

Struggling to matter

On the surface I know my life seems perfect. I am in college and not in debt like all the other students. I have no job but yet all of my bills are paid. My parents support me finanically and that is just how things are. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food when I need it. So what could I possibly have to complain about? What could possibly be wrong with my life?

I want so many things for my life. I want to be smart, beautiful, compassionate. I want to that person people want to know. I want to be the person someone would not think twice about loving. I want to feel good about myself and know that I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to matter to people. I want them to see me- to look at me- and respect what I want. That I need to thrive in this world.

When I look in the mirror all I see are flaws. I see my scars from my excema. I see the stretch marks on hips from all the weight. I see how fat I am. I see someone that isn't worth anything- someone sociey forces to hide in the shadows. A part of me knows that what I am writing completely stupid but this is the truth. Everytime I look in the mirror I pray that I look decent enough for people NOT to notice me.

What no one realizes is how broken I really am inside. How completely worthless I feel about myself and my role in the world. I have all of the materialistic things I need to succeed on some level in society, but I need more. I feel like I am dying inside, bit by bit. I try so hard to have faith in something. To fight for myself. But when I finally feel like I am making progress, something snaps me back to reality.

Did you know how often my mom used to tell me I need(ed)to eat less and lose weight? I would be so much prettier and people would like that more. I realize what I look like. I have accepted that maybe I am not meant to be thin. But everytime my mom says something like that to me, I die a little inside.

Everytime someone asks me why I have so many scars, I die a little inside.
Everytime I try to fight for myself, I realize it is me against the rest of the world. I'm slowly dying inside and nobody knows. I cannot tell anyone because they wouldn't understand. I'm alone. Actually, it is just a constant battle with myself. The flawed versuses the ideal.

I am so tired of hurting. Of feeling this broken inside. Regardless of how hard I try I cannot seem to break through all of this. I do not want to fight this battle by myself but I don't have anyone who will help me fight it.

I just can't meet what is expected of me. I can't be the intelligent, responsible, beautiful, successful person THEY want me to be.

I'm failing. At everything. I don't even want to waste my time fighting for myself anymore. Why fight when it doesn't seem to matter. I always do what people want me to do anyway, right? My mom actually told me the other day, "just do it and make your dad happy." Screw what I want and what will make me happy. Just fuck it.

Distance?

Let's say there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who will make you incredibly happy for the rest of your life. Let's say that perfect someone lives "too far" away? What if two people never take that risk? What is they make the distance out to be more than it really is? What if they never get a chance to cross paths?

Does that mean regardless of how perfect these two people are for each other, it isn't worth trying? When did love become more about convience rather than feeling?

This. Frustrates. Me.

fuck it.

Ma Vie

People often tell me that life is what you make it out to be. You are the only one who makes the decisions and you are the one who deals with the consequences. Lately between my friends and I, there have been numerous converstaions revolving around the idea of whether or not fate exists. Personally, I thin these two topics overlap. Can you really have full control of your life when things are already fated to go in a certain direction?

I believe that things do happen for a reason- whether you are able to fully understand the reasoning behind it or not. I believe that even if things are exceptionally difficult at the moment, light will shed over the situation in the future and you will learn the lesson that was intended. I do not believe in luck. I believe that the decisions you make in your life pave the road to how things are meant to come together in the long run. People are allowed to make mistakes in the hope that they will learn from them. You live, you love, you hurt, you grow and you LEARN.

If fate does exist, the troubles that people experience on a daily basis are a test of character/will/inner strength. You are not given a task that is more than you can handle. It is through times of hardship that people take the opportunity to learn and grow into the person they are meant to become. But it is the path that you take on the road to that self actualizing self that establishes that ideal person.

Do not let things defeat you. I just need to keep reminding myself that things do happen for a reason and to keep my head up. Someday I will be able to live my life for myself. I will be able to make my own decisions according to what I truly believe. I will live my life without fear of what others may think- especially at the exspense of losing own self in the process. I struggle with finding the inner strength to take a stand and make myself known to the rest of the world. I struggle with finding people in my life who will accept me for what I bring, rather than create expectations for me to live up to- regardless of whether or not I can fulfill them.

I am tired of being a disappointment to them when all I am trying to do is find my own path.

Love-aphobia?

I recently discovered a blog of which I quite enjoy reading. The author writes (quite eloquently) about a lost love and the struggle she experiences in moving forward all while battling her thoughts and emotions. I think she is brilliant. She is able to capture the things I think and feel but actually succeed in putting them into words for others to read and relate to. For that, I admire. I attempt to do that but what I intend to say or rather write, often gets lost in translation. One subject She brought up was the idea of being afraid to love verses being afraid to be loved.

I have been hurt quite a bit in the few years I have been dating. There have been many tears shed over the relationship failures I have experienced. Specificially Seth, Mike, and Jesse. I sincerely think they had the biggest impact on my life and the woman I have become. I approach relationships and or dating in a very cautious manner because of them. My past relatonships act as lessons of what (not) to do in the future. After all that hurt- all that pain- I still find myself jumping headfirst into something when my heart tells me to.

I do not believe I am afraid of being loved. I seem to desire that feeling more than anything at the moment. I want to be loved and treated like I am worthwhile. I am, however, afraid of being hurt. JN told me that he would rather "be alone than get hurt again." As a result he is shuttig himself down to protect himself. Part of me does understand this but the other optimistic side hates this. I understand what it feels like to have your heart broken (cue Seth). But I do not think I would give up on the chance of finding someone else to love again. If I shut myself down, will I miss out on meeting someone truly wonderful?

After Seth I felt lost and completely alone. I told myself I would not love anyone else. Then I met Jesse. And then Mike. I obviously loved again and although those relationships did not end the way I would have liked them to, I proved to myself that I was worthwhile. That I could love again. Having the strength to move on each time have given more faith in not giving up. There has to be someone out there for me. Someone who is willing to take the same risks that I am in order to find that one person who complements me.

Perhaps my past has given me several different view points on how to view relationships and dating. I know I am a lot more cynical than I should be at this age. I honestly wish I was not this way. I miss my innocent, optimistic self. I miss believing in the happily ever after. I miss being able to trust someone with my whole self. I am so different now.

When someone tells me how great I am or how beautiful I am, I cannot bring myself to believe them. It takes someone special to make me feel as though they are telling the truth. And only a select few have been able to do that. As of late, JN was the one who I believed last. I just wish he would allow himself to try again- to not be afraid of being loved. I miss how he used fight for what he believed in.

Love in all of its' glory is a risk. It is an experience and a life lesson. It can break you and build you back up. It does not stand the test of time but rather grows and evolves- for the better or for the worse.

Forever and then some

I often find myself thinking about my life and how I got to where I am. Lately, the focus has been more on the relationship aspect of my life. I look around me and I constantly see couples who are either seriously invovled, engaged or already married. I cannot help but think about how close I was to having all of that. But then I snap back to reality and realize that it would not end with a happily ever after. But that just makes me think I failed, yet again.

Ideallly I would still be engaged. He and I would get married and everything would work out. We would stay in love and grow old together. We would support each other in anything and everything we decide to do. But I know that would not happen if I had stayed with him. But my heart just wants it SO badly. When I think about what I want in a future significant other and or spouse, I honestly do not think I am asking for too much. Is it wrong to just want someone to love me for me? For all the good and the bad? To want someone to continuously support me and want to work through things when they get bad? Is it wrong to want to be able to find someone who will want to grow old with me as much as I want to with them? I am not asking for materialistic things. I am just asking for acceptance. Growth. Motivation. I want someone who will fight for what they want in life. Be motivated to work towards something- anything.

I guess this is the best time and place to be honest- if there is ever such a thing. I am so scared that I will end up alone. I realize that I will always have my family and a select few friends, but I honestly do fear never finding someone to romantically love me and accept me for the rest of my life. I am not saying that I have completely given up, but I honstly am losing hope. I would not say things have been going my way with regards to the people I date. I do not know if I trust too easily or if I choose to ignore the bad because I want that love and acceptance SO badly. Do I settle? Is that why this is constanly happening?

This fear of mine...it seems as though it is tied directly with why I started online dating. There is someting about being able to emotionally and mentally connect with someone through talking and exchanging messages. I believe that it gives two people the opportunity to really know the ins and outs of the person. That is how I feel about JN. I truly believe he knows me. We have never met but we connected over something more. I am not disregarding that a physical connection is important, but I do not think it is the most important part. For instance, there could be the most goregous girl but with the intellect of a gold fish. What happens then? Perhaps someday when JN and I meet, things will just end there. I do not think too highly of my appearance, so that is what I think.

But at this moment in time, as much as I would like to see how he and I might play out, I do not have that opportunity. The distance is too great, apparently. But really, is it fair that I have to have my mind focused on him? I cannot get him off my mind even though he has no obligation to me. I just want my chance. What if we are meant to be together? Is distance really going to keep us apart?

I guess so...especially considering the situation.

I wish...

The more I think about you, about us, the more I realize how much I wish the good times were enough to make things work.

Distracted.

I can't focus on anything else besides you. What could have been. What CAN be.

I need you to do the right thing. Please.

I never told me....you never told me.

I never even had you, so I don't understand why I am feeling this way.
The moment I read those words, I thought I actually felt my heart drop.
I believed everything you said to me. I trusted you. I wanted to give you
that second chance. I wanted to see what we have and if it could really
be what it feels like to me. I wanted to fight for something and have it be
because I wanted to do it. I didn't want to play the "what if" game anymore.
Not with you.

You made me believe that you didn't either. That you wanted to see if this
was something real. You made me nervous. You were thinking about how crazy this
all is. You had things to tell me. But the instant I asked you where I stood with
you- it all changed.

In that ONE instant, you changed the game on me. It wasn't about finding out things
together. You made your own decision. You said it didn't feel right to try. I don't
understand that. Don't you owe me a better explaination? Don't you owe it to me to
tell me WHY you suddenly are ready to give up on everything without trying? I need to
know what you were thinking. I need to know everything. I don't want to live with
these what ifs again. Please, not again.

What are you hiding from me? What aren't you telling me? I'm begging you to talk to
me. I'm begging you not to walk out of my life again. I would rather have you as
my friend than nothing at all. I sincerely mean that. I would love to tell you
this myself but you are ignoring me. I can't figure you out. You either don't
want the trouble of trying to be with me or you found someone else- again.

Save me from myself. Save me from believing that once again, I wasn't worth
fighting for.

Ugh

you claim to be straight forward. i thought i figured you out. i thought i knew what you wanted.



I'm starting to think I was completely wrong. be honest, please- because you are driving me crazy!!!!!

heart day?

Valentines day is coming up fast. And once again I'm single. This is really not sitting well but I actually find myself not missing Him that much. I guess I really did the right thing.

On the other hand, I am missing talking to someone else. Completely unrelated to the aforementioned matter. I shouldn't even be missing this person. Argh. If someone wants to talk to you, they will. It's a fact.

but of course

today marks the last day i cry for you.
the last day we were together.
there is no engagement.
there is no future.
we're done.


and yet again, i am single.