Spending this weekend with him made me realize how fast [and hard] I'm falling for him. I have always been the one who has to tell the other "please don't hurt me". But this time around, he was the first one to utter those four words. I am constantly terrified that when I'm with someone, they will end up hurting me. But really, I think it's because I think I get hurt so often as a result of me not being good enough to be with them. Why else would they not want to be with me? I know my thought process is becoming increasingly harmful to myself, but I can't bring myself to let it go. I need someone to prove to me that I really am worth it.
I don't want him to hurt me, but it would absolutely kill me if I somehow hurt him in anyway...
and that's what terrifies me right now.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
A smile can sing the praise of many unknowing souls
When I'm sitting somewhere and people watching, the first thing I usually notice about people are their smiles. To me it shows how carefree or friendly someone is. I believe a smile can go a long way, especially if someone is having a bad day and a random stranger just flashes them a smile while walking by. It doesn't take a whole lot to help make someone else smile. This is primarily the reason why I try to smile all the time- even when things in my life aren't as great as I would like them to be. Smile, because you never know who might be falling in love with it.
Usually when I meet someone and am trying to determine whether or not I am interest in him, I gauge it first on how well they can make me smile. By no means am I talking about him having to crack jokes all day long or anything of that nature. It's really about the little things. It might be the cute way he greets me with, "hi cutie" or if he takes the time to send me a text message first thing in the morning- just to wish me a good day. After awhile, I know I have a full on crush on someone if even the thought of hearing from him makes me smile. Or the sound of his voice does. Just knowing that person wants to hear from me and cares enough to make that difference in my life. That's when I know it's worthwhile.
Even though it's not a lot to go off of at first, it does allow me to determine whether or not I want to even pursue something. I will be the first to admit that I don't make the best decisions about how I end up dating or having a relationship with. But it doesn't mean that my methods are faulty. I'm starting to think maybe the people I meet are "faulty" or rather they just aren't the right person for me.
I hate to use this as an excuse to justify why I can't seem to keep a relationship [or someone interested in me] long enough to see if anything meaningful can come out of it. But I think it does carry some weight with it. When someone takes an interest in me and makes me smile in the ways I previously mentioned, then I'm usually putty in their hands. I jump headfirst into things even though I know I shouldn't. Perhaps that's why I get myself into the situations I do. I need to start listening to my brain and less to my heart.
Speaking to guys in general- you should always make a girl smile. Tears don't get you anywhere and really, making them smile is NOT a way of getting them to trust you or to play your stupid little games. It's something that makes them feel better about themselves, and hopefully it will make you feel better about yourself in return.
Usually when I meet someone and am trying to determine whether or not I am interest in him, I gauge it first on how well they can make me smile. By no means am I talking about him having to crack jokes all day long or anything of that nature. It's really about the little things. It might be the cute way he greets me with, "hi cutie" or if he takes the time to send me a text message first thing in the morning- just to wish me a good day. After awhile, I know I have a full on crush on someone if even the thought of hearing from him makes me smile. Or the sound of his voice does. Just knowing that person wants to hear from me and cares enough to make that difference in my life. That's when I know it's worthwhile.
Even though it's not a lot to go off of at first, it does allow me to determine whether or not I want to even pursue something. I will be the first to admit that I don't make the best decisions about how I end up dating or having a relationship with. But it doesn't mean that my methods are faulty. I'm starting to think maybe the people I meet are "faulty" or rather they just aren't the right person for me.
I hate to use this as an excuse to justify why I can't seem to keep a relationship [or someone interested in me] long enough to see if anything meaningful can come out of it. But I think it does carry some weight with it. When someone takes an interest in me and makes me smile in the ways I previously mentioned, then I'm usually putty in their hands. I jump headfirst into things even though I know I shouldn't. Perhaps that's why I get myself into the situations I do. I need to start listening to my brain and less to my heart.
Speaking to guys in general- you should always make a girl smile. Tears don't get you anywhere and really, making them smile is NOT a way of getting them to trust you or to play your stupid little games. It's something that makes them feel better about themselves, and hopefully it will make you feel better about yourself in return.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Really?
I've been talking to someone for the past week. He's sweet and weird- which I love because that's basically me in a nut shell. I have a crush on him and I told him so. He said he had one on me as well. Apparently it started when we first started talking. He thinks I'm pretty great, which is nice. It's not exactly a long distance thing...he's about two hours away from me.
Anyway, the reason why I bring it up is because we were talking about past loves. I told him about Seth...but not the hurtful things he did to me. Just that I loved him and it didn't end well. I dawned on me that we've only been broken up for about four months ago. That threw me for a loop because it honestly feels like forever ago.
Which led me to think...Jesse was just a month ago. Today.
What the hell am I doing with my life?
Anyway, the reason why I bring it up is because we were talking about past loves. I told him about Seth...but not the hurtful things he did to me. Just that I loved him and it didn't end well. I dawned on me that we've only been broken up for about four months ago. That threw me for a loop because it honestly feels like forever ago.
Which led me to think...Jesse was just a month ago. Today.
What the hell am I doing with my life?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Trapped
I keep having dreams about you.
We run into each other after you get back from deployment.
The scene is at the place we met.
You don't see me at first but I'm strong.
So I approach you to say hello.
You stare at me like I'm no one.
Then I snap. I cry.
All I have left is you in my dreams.
They never end well.
It's like you really don't want me to be happy.
We run into each other after you get back from deployment.
The scene is at the place we met.
You don't see me at first but I'm strong.
So I approach you to say hello.
You stare at me like I'm no one.
Then I snap. I cry.
All I have left is you in my dreams.
They never end well.
It's like you really don't want me to be happy.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Overlooked
There are a select few in my life that know how I've met some of the guys I have dated. I'm not sure if I'm ashamed of it or not but I feel as though they wouldn't be willing to accept it as a possible truth. For the past few years I have been dabbling with online dating and for the most part, it hasn't been the awful experience many claim it to be. I signed up for True with the hope that I would be able to meet someone great- someone who I wouldn't have the ability to meet in real with otherwise. It allows two people to fall for each other without the outside complications. Which ultimately leads me to my problem.
The things I hear from guys on these dating sites are nothing I hear on an everyday basis. I've heard everything from how pretty I am or how intelligent I sound. They compliment me on exactly who I want to be. People approach me on there. I never get approached in real life. I constantly get asked why I'm still single and I always give them the same answer: "I just haven't found the right one yet." But really, I think I find the right ones and they end up burning me. Maybe it's not that they aren't the right ones. Maybe it's because I'm not the right one. If all of this guys on the dating site think I'm so great, than why don't the people I meet? What makes me so different on True and Match in comparison to who I am in real life?
I have had the pleasure of "meeting" the most amazing guys. They have been everything I've been looking for in my life. They have the traits that I think would work best with me. But yet they are always across the country. I have done the long distance twice now. The last one was against my better judgment and I have lost the desire to put myself in the position again. I realize there must be amazing guys where I live but it's not likely I'm going to cross paths with them. It's hopeless.
There's this one guy who I have been talking to for a few months. He is sincere and sweet. He takes care of his daughter and loves her more than anything in life. He's someone I could see myself being with. But the distance wasn't anything we wanted to deal with. We agreed there was a shared interest and it sucked that we couldn't do anything about it. I always knew he would meet something and his life would turn out the way he wanted it to. He sounded like he had doubts but I always knew. I found out today that he has found someone. He tells me she's a good person. I'm happy for him but yet I can't help but feel this twinge in my heart. I guess it's just one more good guy that's not available anymore. I don't think he and I will be talking anymore. New girlfriends don't tend to like that.
I'm so scared there's just something about me that people don't like. Something where guys know they don't want to end up with me. Jesse already has moved on. I guess an ex fiance never should have been an ex to him. Josh found someone close by. If for some reason Seth comes back from deployment and falls in love with some fantastic girl over there, my life would be complete. I don't understand why it's so easy for the people I fall for to find their perfect someone. Do I really not deserve the chance? Can I not be the girl that great guy falls for in the end?
They say to not let your past lead your future...but what if that's all I have? What if my past is really all I have to rely on with my life? Maybe I'm not meant to find the one that makes my knees weak. The one who brings a smile to my face just by the sound of their voice. I'm tried of wallowing in my self pity. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I can't pull myself out of this rut. I'm tired of blending into the shadows. I'm tired of constantly being overlooked.
Sometimes I feel like screaming out at the top of my lungs, "I fucking exist too!" Look at me!!!
If this is how it's supposed to be, this is not the life I want. I still believe I deserve more than what I've been given. If that makes me selfish than I guess I'll have to live with that. Because I have nothing else to hold on to anymore.
The things I hear from guys on these dating sites are nothing I hear on an everyday basis. I've heard everything from how pretty I am or how intelligent I sound. They compliment me on exactly who I want to be. People approach me on there. I never get approached in real life. I constantly get asked why I'm still single and I always give them the same answer: "I just haven't found the right one yet." But really, I think I find the right ones and they end up burning me. Maybe it's not that they aren't the right ones. Maybe it's because I'm not the right one. If all of this guys on the dating site think I'm so great, than why don't the people I meet? What makes me so different on True and Match in comparison to who I am in real life?
I have had the pleasure of "meeting" the most amazing guys. They have been everything I've been looking for in my life. They have the traits that I think would work best with me. But yet they are always across the country. I have done the long distance twice now. The last one was against my better judgment and I have lost the desire to put myself in the position again. I realize there must be amazing guys where I live but it's not likely I'm going to cross paths with them. It's hopeless.
There's this one guy who I have been talking to for a few months. He is sincere and sweet. He takes care of his daughter and loves her more than anything in life. He's someone I could see myself being with. But the distance wasn't anything we wanted to deal with. We agreed there was a shared interest and it sucked that we couldn't do anything about it. I always knew he would meet something and his life would turn out the way he wanted it to. He sounded like he had doubts but I always knew. I found out today that he has found someone. He tells me she's a good person. I'm happy for him but yet I can't help but feel this twinge in my heart. I guess it's just one more good guy that's not available anymore. I don't think he and I will be talking anymore. New girlfriends don't tend to like that.
I'm so scared there's just something about me that people don't like. Something where guys know they don't want to end up with me. Jesse already has moved on. I guess an ex fiance never should have been an ex to him. Josh found someone close by. If for some reason Seth comes back from deployment and falls in love with some fantastic girl over there, my life would be complete. I don't understand why it's so easy for the people I fall for to find their perfect someone. Do I really not deserve the chance? Can I not be the girl that great guy falls for in the end?
They say to not let your past lead your future...but what if that's all I have? What if my past is really all I have to rely on with my life? Maybe I'm not meant to find the one that makes my knees weak. The one who brings a smile to my face just by the sound of their voice. I'm tried of wallowing in my self pity. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I can't pull myself out of this rut. I'm tired of blending into the shadows. I'm tired of constantly being overlooked.
Sometimes I feel like screaming out at the top of my lungs, "I fucking exist too!" Look at me!!!
If this is how it's supposed to be, this is not the life I want. I still believe I deserve more than what I've been given. If that makes me selfish than I guess I'll have to live with that. Because I have nothing else to hold on to anymore.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Here's a big fuck you.
I'm glad I never wasted those words on you. I'm glad you never heard them get past my lips. All you had to do with tell me you didn't care about me and it would have save us a whole lot of trouble. Thanks for nothing.
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