Standstill

Seeing your name on my caller i.d. made me freeze in my tracks. Variations of "oh my god" swam through my already muddled head. I muster enough courage to force out a simple "hello" and waited for the unknown. You asked me how life was- about school, friends, family. You sounded sincere in your questions as I did in mine. We were never good at the small talk, so the conversation was strained. I felt like there was more to what you wanted to say but you wouldn't get into it. I wish you did.

For such a short length of time, my mind raced with everything I wanted to tell you. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice, seeing your face. But I held it all back. you left me. I don't know what to do about this. I feel as though I'm trapped underwater. i can't lift my head up and there's no one at my side to help me. You did this to me

Just 9 minutes of talking to you has uprooted my life more than I need it to be. I have spent so much energy trying to bury the feelings I still have for you. I've tried my best to move on and hide my tears. I haven't rebuilt my trust in others or regained my confidence yet, but there has been progress. And now...that's all shot to hell.

Allow me to be petty, but weeks of being together you never bothered to change your status. Girls would continue to hit on you thinking you were single. You told me you never think about changing it because you're only there to talk to friends. Well I saw it today. You changed it. You're in a relationship with some one else. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me it's your ex fiance. My mind agrees. My heart? Well it aches a little. I thought you two were just friends. You made it seem like there wasn't a way for you to get back together with her- especially after just two weeks of us being apart. I remember you neglecting to tell me she was your best friend- until the night we broke up. I can't bring myself to trust you about anything anymore.

Why did you even bother calling me? I should be nothing to you. You shouldn't think of me anymore. You shouldn't want to hear my voice. I didn't matter back then and I shouldn't matter right now. I'm not saying I'm just going to stop missing you. Or stop caring. You are constantly on my mind and I am sitting on pins and needles until you are deployed. After you leave, I will be praying for your safe return. I'm still terrified beyond belief about you being in the line fire. But it's nothing you need to know. Please forget me.

Stop hurting me. Stop making me believe that our lives still intertwine with one another. We were never really together. It's hard now to even think you were in love with me. Because i loved you, Jesse. Truly and honestly. But in return I got nothing but you giving up. You took it upon yourself to do what you needed to do. My opinion wasn't included. I fought for us and you just left me there, crying. You told me not to call you. Not to talk to you. So I didn't. Then you decided you wanted to talk to me...I hope it made you feel better but it only broke me down more.

Crashing down

Even though I hate you for what you did to me. For the things you dared to say to me. For making me believe the things you said tome. For allowing me to fall in love with you. For breaking my heart and making my life empty again.

My life sucks without you. I miss you- a lot. Much more than I ever let on to anyone. I'm supposed to forget about you. But my heart just won't let me. I miss hearing and knowing that you love me. I miss you teasing me about things and telling me I always make you smile.

But in the end, I still know it was a dream. None of it was real- I just wanted it to be. I wanted it to be real so badly I didn't see the bad in you. The bad in us. I met someone after you. He hurt me. You always said I could do better than you but I can't believe it for myself. Everyone I've met since you has done nothing but treat me poorly. If I'm as great as you used to say I am, then why won't anyone stay with me? Why can't I be the girl someone actually falls for?

I just want the dream to come back to me. If that can't happen then I want to purge you from my memory. I want to forget I ever met you. I wish I never fell in love with you. I wish...you NEVER decided to call me that one night. Why did you? You're gone and living your life and I'm left here trying to piece back my heart. But I can't because you still have it.

Split Second Devastation

My mind tells me I'm completely over you. That I'm completely over all of you. It tells me I no longer hurt or care for you. But then my mind wanders for a split second and it all comes rushing back to me. I think it's during those split seconds that my heart jumps in to make sure I'm aware of how hurt I still am.

My mind may have the ability to forget and forgive. But my heart neverwill.

First Impressions

There's something about me that makes me so desperate to please people. I like myself enough to know that I'm a good person but for some reason I can't seem to keep people around me. I lose friends, boyfriends, even people I just date.

This past weekend, I went on a "date". Actually I'm not really sure what to call it since it was just a first meeting grabbing lunch but I digress. I've been on hang outs with guys before. It's been one on one before. But for some reason I was incredibly nervous about this one. The quick story is that I "met" him on a dating website. We've exchanged a few e-mails and then he gave me his number. We conversed off and on and tried to make plans to meet up. Finally we agreed on Saturday for a slice of pizza near campus. Anyway, I made my room mate walk me half way to help calm my nerves. He had called earlier to let me know that he was going to run late so I had a few minutes to sit for a bit by myself. He showed up looking incredibly good looking. He apologized for being late- saying it wasn't a good first impression. He came off as being sweet and he paid for my slice of pizza. We sat and chatted for a while. Then he had to get to a group meeting. We awkwardly hugged good bye and parted ways. I didn't know what to think about the whole thing. But I did send him a text later that night thanking him and saying it was nice to meet him. I wished him a good night and I never heard from him. That was three days ago.

I don't really know how I feel about it. I understand the concept of not having things work out but I just wish there was a courtesy where the other party lets you know that they're not interested. I'm not big on the whole turn the other way method. I tend to feel like I'm left in the dark and I absolutely HATE it.

But really this point of this post was to stress my worry about the kind of first impression I make on people. I never seem to get past the first impression/first date concept. Well, I guess I kind of did with Seth but I don't really count that...I worry that there's something about me that isn't appealing to people when they first meet me.

I'm not horribly crushing on this guy or anything. I just think he's a good guy and I want to get to know him more. Everyone could use a new friend. Oh well, I'll probably just cut my losses. Oh well. I have other things to worry about.

Save Me. Catch Me. LOVE me.

I am not capable of being able to accept and move on. It's just about moving on. I don't know if i can do this anymore. I don't have time to deal with the crap I put myself through. I don't give myself time to heal.

I'm hurting. I'm broken. I'm self destructing and there's no one to stop me from continuously hurting myself. It's like I'm so used to being hurt that I don't know how to live my life otherwise.

Sunshine and Blue skies

I need to keep reminding myself that tomorrow is yet another day. It may be a bit cloudy and dark but sometimes, it just may surprise you.

Today was sunny and beautiful. My life feels alright right now. My friends are happy and they make me feel loved and appreciated.

May the rest of my days be more sunny than cloudy.

Inhale. Exhale. Freeze.

There is something to be said about being held in the arms of the one you care about. Whether it's a quick hug or a deep embrace. Whether if it's in public in broad daylight or in the privacy of your own home. There is that sense of security I receive from being held by my significant other. I'm by no means an entirely dependent person. I thrive on having my independence but I honestly believe that some things are better shared with someone else.

Cuddling is one of my favorite past times when I'm in a relationship with someone primarily because it makes me feel safe and protected. When I'm in their arms, I honestly feel like nothing bad could happen to me or anywhere in the world. Time seems to stop- even if it's just for that moment. I'm there with the person I want to be with and I savor every bit of warmth; every inhale and exhale; and all of my problems slowly evaporate from my mind.

In that one moment, it's just the two of us. We are the only two people that matter and being there with each other is the only thing that is relevant in life. That is the perfect moment. And that perfect moment is exactly what I'm missing in my life. It hurts a little inside knowing that when I long for such an emotion, I can't readily have it. It makes me want my boyfriend more and more each day. I long for someone to fall asleep with and wake up next to. Someone to cuddle with and keep me warm at night. Someone to think I'm special regardless of what I do or how I look.

I want that perfect moment back in my life.

Against the odds

It's hurtful when things I want most or look forward to the most are not within my reach. Having those things occur and present themselves in my life is well out of my own power. Maybe it's a sign that such things aren't supposed to happen in my life.

Regardless, if I don't make it to California in two weeks, my heart will ache a little more than it already does.

Pointless Relationships

I'm in a relationship but yet I feel so alone. I realize he can't be with me now but that's not the issue. We're supposed to be able to talk to each other. We're supposed to communicate our feelings and make sure no one is left in the dark. Without him having a working phone, we just don't talk anymore. When I send text messages to say hi or to see how his day is going, I feel like I'm bothering him. I get short responses, if anything at all. He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. It's starting to drive me crazy because there are ways to talk to me. Even if it's for a few minutes. He could borrow a phone from one of his friends. He could set up a web cam date or anything really.

I finally sent him a text today telling him that I have been getting a bad vibe about us. Apparently, things are rough for him right now, but I hate having to sit back and wonder about how he's doing. Or whether or not he even wants to be with me anymore. I don't like games and I feel like this is just a HUGE game. If I'm so important to him, shouldn't he want to talk to me about things? I guess he's going through something that I wouldn't understand but letting me know that something is wrong [and that it has nothing to do with our relationship] would do wonders. The feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is all too familiar. It's the same feeling I had before Seth left me. I know this feeling and I don't want anything to do with it.

My friend and I were talking today and I told her that I met my boyfriend on an online dating site. She has a friend who she thinks is perfect for me. He lives in town and recently graduated. I guess he wants to meet me- my friend sent him a picture of me and he said I was cute. As nice as this guy may sound to me, I don't think it's right for me to hang out with a guy [blindly] and not have it feel like a date. I was asked to be exclusive with my boyfriend and I'm as loyal as they come.

But what if Boyfriend is really trying to break it off? Why am I always the one who has to stick around and work for something that may already be pointless? I suppose I can't help who I care about or who I want to be with. But at least I try...

I guess this is just another one of those waiting games. I can sit and see whether or not Boyfriend is serious about wanting to be with me. Or I can be heartless and break it off with him through a text. Which I really don't want to do. Who knows. I don't have time to waste on a pointless relationship but my heart just won't let me let go.

I don't want to be stuck in a dead end if it means me missing a chance at something great in my life.

Happily Ever Never

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be the princess who gets rescued by her prince charming. Granted I have grown up quite a bit, so my fairy tale ending might actually include being rescued on a motorcycle by your cliche good, bad boy, but the idea still stands. I want to be unconditionally loved. I want to meet that one man who will look at me in all of my flawed glory and still say that he loves me, while looking me in the eyes.

I think that's my problem. I hold onto these unrealistic expectations and when I meet someone who says all the right things, I fall for them. I constantly set myself up for having my heart repeatedly broken. I read into signs that don't exist. I become attached when there's really no reason to do so. I give myself, all of myself, when any guy shows me any amount of...charm. I get swept up in the possibility that maybe I could actually be that princess. Admittedly, I'm naive. I play into the games and traps that guys set out. They know my type and I'm their prey. 99.7% of the time, they succeed and I'm left licking my wounds.

The fact of the matter is, I don't think I can trust anyone with my heart. It's the one thing I have to call my very own. It holds my soul, my ambitions, my truth. I've been hurt so many times over [and for the most part, it's my own fault], I just don't know if I have it in me to do it all over again. I'm so afraid of setting myself up for failure when I do meet the right person. My own fear will be my downfall. I suppose in a sense, I am my own worst enemy. I figure the only person I have is myself. So why do I need to put myself in the line of fire again? And this is where the story gets a little difficult.

I'm in what I think is a relationship. No, it is a relationship. He asked me to be exclusive. I am head over heels for him. I'm in love with him. I care about him with everything I have...but something feels off. I don't know if this is me second guessing myself or maybe there's something more to it. He's younger than me by a little over two years. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he just wants the idea of having a girlfriend but not the serious nature of it. I want to be able to settle down soon. I want to start my life.

I want nothing more than to talk about all of this with him. I want to be able to sit and look into his eyes; just so I can read his expressions. I want to curl up next to him and have him hold me while I cry. Because crying right now, alone, is pathetic. I want to make sure this is real and he's in it for the long run. I can't help but fear that this is just another of those cruel tricks. It's been three days since I last heard his voice. Apparently his phone broke and he can only text. But he doesn't even do that anymore. Our relationship is hard enough as it is due to the distance, but now that we don't have our nightly phone conversations, I feel as though I'm losing him.

But what if I'm not and it's my mind playing tricks on me? Have I really become so scared of being happy that I can't even allow the possibility? People tell me I deserve the best. That my kind heart is priceless. But why don't the people I fall for see that? Why do I continuously get my heart broken? I wish I was still the same girl who was new to the dating world. The girl who would date and feel with abandon. I miss her. I would give anything to be able to hold on to who I used to be.

"If a guy is into you, he will make it happen. He will call. He will ask you out. He will do everything and anything to make you his."

So now it's a waiting game. Is he going to make it happen? My heart tells me to stay but it aches in the process. My mind tells me to run. I don't know what to do.

Victim of a foolish heart

It's been much too long since I have sat down and taken the time to write something of substance in this journal. Absolutely no one I know realizes I have this one so I'm completely safe to write what I want. It's nice though because I made the mistake of informing some people about the url to this but thanks to blogspot, I was able to change my address so the link they may have saved is no longer valid. Pretty crafty right?

Jesse and I have been in an official relationship for oh, about two weeks as of today. If my relationship with S.M was a whirlwind, THIS one surely takes the cake. We've only known each other for three weeks and we are completely head over heels for each other. We met online [Which I know a lot of people in my life wouldn't understand or may even judge me for] and we have never met in person. We have been getting to know each other through lengthy phone calls, text messages, web cam dates [not like that!] and exchanging pictures. He truly makes me smile and feel cared for. He says the sweetest things to me and believes that I'm absolutely perfect for him. And I believe the same thing. He has said nor done anything that would make me doubt his intentions. I know this feeling. It's love. I honestly am head over heels in love with him. Trust me, I realize how crazy it sounds, but I can't help how I feel. Perhaps it's foolish for me to feel like this. Maybe I'm rebounding?

No, I'm not. Rebounding happened at the clubs over break. This is real. He is proving himself to be everything S.M was and wasn't. Focus on the Wasn't aspect. After a week of knowing Jesse, I started to think back on S.M. I don't know what I didn't think of it before, but the things he said to me were things NO ONE should ever have to hear. Especially from someone who claimed to love you. I was called everything from a whore to a "fucking cunt". Yeah, that's right. He called me that while in bed with me and then proceeded to claim he didn't remember doing it. I hate myself for being so naive to believe anything out of his mouth.

But this Jesse character. He makes me swoon. He treats me better than anyone I've ever dated. He cares more about me than his own self. He's constantly talks about the future with me. Engagements, marriage, families. He gives me hope that I deserve all of those things. He supports me in my goals as I do his. We wish we lived closer but he has never put that against me. He understands I need to finish school and that it's unfair to make me uproot my life just to have him deployed. He's selfless.

He's taking it upon himself to use his own money to fly me out to LA for a weekend. Pay for my hotel. Just to see me. I leave on the 20th until the 22nd. It just so happens to fall on our one month together. I'm growing increasingly anxious. I can't wait to know how it feels to be in his arms, to hug and kiss him. Just to look him in his eyes and tell him I love him. This could be the weekend that will change my life.

I think my problem with long distance relationships is that they work well for me. It takes away the pressure of having to question the motives of the other. He's not just trying to play me or get in my pants. I mean, he's over a thousand miles away! I do trust him and I honestly believe he's in this relationship for the right reasons. He has reaffirmed my faith in love and I really do feel like I'm blessed to have met him.

I haven't been this happy in awhile and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I suppose it's lame of me to say, but if I ever into SM again, I would take it in stride. I would show him that I did better and I am stronger than ever.

All I need is a true love and Jesse Neikirk might just be it.