Fate [less]

It has been said that Everything happens for a reason. I admit, I have been known to believe and follow that mantra while living my life. But there are moments such as this current one, where I have to wonder,

If everything happens for a reason, why does my life have to be the way that it is?

You have that Something.

There's something about the way you look at me.
Something in the tone in your voice.
How your fingers brush the hair off my face.
The way you smile when you're with me.

In those few moments, I feel as though I'm worth it all.
As though I have finally done something right.
My world felt at peace whenever you held me.
You made me feel that way
from the moment you lent me your jacket
To the last conversation we had.

In solitary moments, my mind wanders.
As though I'm reliving those moments.
The flood of thoughts, sounds, and emotions;
overwhelms me to the point of no return.

My heart aches when I think about you.
With wonder and amusement, I wait for
my body to snap back to reality.
You chose not to remain with me,
but rather disappear from my reality.

Your touch lingers on the side of my face;
your body enveloping mine.
It is nothing but a fantasy now.
But I thank you for the dream.

I thank you for making me believe I was worth it.
That I am worth it.

Redeem Team For the Gold!

I stayed up late last night watching the US vs. Spain game for the medal. For anyone who lives in Corvallis without paying for cable, they know this was not an easy feat. For the majority of the first quarter, I struggled [and won] a fight with my old school rabbit ears and succeeded in establishing a screen that was only a little static filled. That feat in itself should earn me a medal...or brownie points.

I settled into bed and proceeded to yell and criticize the game. Fouls, crazy risk shots, and missed free throws? Really?! The US managed to pull a lead early in the game, but with everyone throwing elbows like bridezillas in a discount wedding dress warehouse [name the reference!], Spain was able to catch up. Cue their build up in shooting confidence and the game started to get a little hot. There were impressive unguarded dunks and crazy threes; leading to the a series of "Ohhhhh! YES!" remarks from yours truly. I bet my lame neighbors loved me last night.

Nearing the end of the game, the scores were continuing to be a give and take. Could Spain really just catch up and surpass Team USA? Yeah, not so much. The US pulled an impressive comeback and starting hitting shots and running plays like no tomorrow. With seconds left in the fourth quarter, the US were already celebrating. It was definitely a sight to see.

The medal ceremony was the usual, "it's such a touching moment, I might have to bring a tear to my eye" proud moment. Especially considering I'm just a bystander. But really, I'd like think my yelling at the screen at nearly 1am to be the determining factor in the game. I mean, they could obviously hear me over in Beijing. Kudos for Jason Kidd- being the oldest member of the team. Kudos to LeBron James and Chris Paul for entering their names in history as being part of the magic of the "Redeem Team". The US had a point to make and they made it.


Redeem Team: 118
Plain Spain: 107

Team USA for the Gold

Team USA defeats Argentina 101- 81 to advance to the gold metal game against Spain. Kinda makes you want to cry for them a little, huh? It is moments like these, that make me resent that some people think of me as a "girl's girl". What right do I have to write about basketball? But hey, at least I'm cute while doing it. *insert adorable emoticon here*

The players that make up the "Dream Team" can easily be defined as some of the best players in the NBA. They have rightfully earned their spots in this year's Olympic games. Now I say that with extreme hatred geared toward Kobe Bryant, but hey, what's a a girl to do? As much as I dedicate my time to watching the NBA finals every year, there Olympic games have something else to offer. They [the games] showcase teams from all over the world to compete for the gold. There's no denying that there is extreme talent outside of the US but it's apparent that the US has honed their skills a bit more. Let's hope Team USA doesn't get too cocky...the others will definitely give them a run for their medal in the future.

Personally what I love best about basketball is the competition. I love to see people fight for the win, but it's obviously done with skill. There's more to the game than just running up and down the court to throw a ball though a hoop. It's the ability to understand the opposing team; the ability to predict what the other team is going to do. It's the drive for team work and making it happen. It's the goal of making a name for themselves as a respectable player, all while earning the respect of their fans. It's seeing the sweat drip down a player's face when they realize they are finally done for. There's no denying there's a definite rush for everyone and anyone involved in rooting for their team.

It's the love for the game. It's heart- blood, sweat and tears.


So root for Team USA and see how they fair against Spain. I've got faith that they'll pull through. Besides, how much talent [or intelligence for that matter] can they have if they chose to pose for a picture depicting them with "slanted eyes". Good thing China is hosting the Olympics this year. Good thing such an action didn't seem offensive at all. Idiots. They claim it wasn't meant to offend anyone, but really? In what country, much less what WORLD, was it the smart thing to do? Turns out Spain has a pretty tainted rap when it comes to being racist toward other sports and their players. Go figure.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just some girl.

Reach for the clouds

When I was growing up, my parents never really said anything along the lines of "You can be anything and everything you want to be". I was never the little girl who wanted to be things such as a princess or a ballerina. I remember the complete list of answers I'd give when someone would as me, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"- I wanted to be a dentist, pediatrician, pediatric nurse, medical assistant, and now a social worker. I guess something remained constant- my goal of helping others. The one occupation I have always dreamed of doing was not listed because my parents completely shot down the idea when I first presented it years ago. I have always [and still do] wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. I love kids and I love working with them. I would have a daily role in shaping a child's education and help them grow into their own unique person. It would have been perfect.

You'd think that parents would want their children to do anything they want to in order to be happy, but I think my parents and I have a different perception of what happiness is.

To my parents, happiness is measure by wealth and material goods such as a house and a nice car. They want me to have a job where I have a high wage but I don't have to work as hard for my money.

To me, happiness isn't measured in by how much money I make. I want to do something that will make me happy as a person. I want to find ways to help people in need; to change the world, or at least do a small part for the larger change in the future. I want to make a difference for others, and not so much for myself. But then again I also want to be able to give back to my parents. I want to make sure they will be okay in the future.

I realize that they just want whats best for me. They don't want me to have to struggle to make ends meet like they did when they first came to the United States. I have the utmost respect for both of my parents. They have sacrificed so much for both my brother and I. They have taught me everything about working hard and understanding what I personally have to sacrifice in order to make it in the world. But really, I want them to understand that I make my own decisions, not to disappoint them, but to better the people around me. I really do hope they understand that someday.

I will succeed in the world, but just not the same way my parents want me to. I guess I fear that my goals will be lost in translation and my parents will be disappointed in me.

Let's hope that's not the case.

The girl next door

I know I am still young. I know I have my whole life ahead of me to figure things out. I know that I'm not ready to settle down with anyone right at this moment. With that being said, I realize that I do want someone to cuddle with; someone who wants to spend their time with me. I know friends do just that, but I want a significant other who looks at me and understands that I am beautiful even though I'm not your average cookie cutter societal beauty.

I have been officially single for over a year. I've dated on and off since then, leading to my meeting some interesting guys. Some for the good and some for the definite bad. But it was okay. I was having fun dating and acting my age. None of of this has really bothered me in the past, but that has recently changed as a result of a crazy increase of people getting engaged/married and having children. Now, I know all of that will happen to me when the times comes, but it does not help that the aforementioned people are from the same high school graduating class. Jeez.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been considered the nice girl, or the girl who is everyone's friend. I am perfectly capable of meeting guys and becoming their friends but for some reason, I can never bring myself to be anything but just that. I'm not saying I don't value the strong friendships that I have. It's just that there are times where I wish things could have been different. I realize it's not realistic to think with the whole "shoulda-woulda-coulda" mindset, but it's something that does run through my mind sometimes. Who knew there was a "Nice Girl" syndrome to match the "Nice Guy" one.

There are times where I sit back and observe my friends being either happy or miserable in their relationships [respectively] and I wonder why I don't get a chance to experience the same thing. I tend to feel left out or on the rare occasion, even unworthy experiencing such a feeling. I'm young, but I am terrified that I won't find that special someone. I'm scared that for the rest of my life, I will meet amazing guys who will ultimately view me as the "best friend" or the go to girl for getting to know my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends with all of my heart and I would do anything and everything to make sure they're happy. But sometimes, I just want someone to help me find my own happiness. Personally, I don't think it's too much to ask for.

I'm just looking for that one guy who will come into my life and leave me breathless everyday. Someone who will see me for who I really am and still decide to keep me around because I'm special. Someone who realizes that there's more to me than what meets the eye. Someone who wants more from me than just a physical relationship. I am so much more than that. I deserve so much more than that.

With that being said, I think it's time for me to take matters into my own hands. If I want something to happen, I need to make it happen. I don't want to be considered the reliable girl-friend anymore. I want to be someone's "something more".

The Melting Pot of Society

One of the biggest mysteries of our society, at least to me, is that of racial differences. Granted there are so many issues to address, but race seems to be the main problem that has yet to be met with a solution. Throughout history, race has either presented or contributed to the growth of problems in society. They range from the obvious abuse of African Americans during the slavery period to the assumption of character based on physical appearance as witnessed by the public, following tragic events of September 11th.

As far as I know, there is no one country that exists solely with just one race for the entire mass population. Our entire world is the way it is because there are so many different ethnic groups working together to get by in life.

Due to the aforementioned reasons, I constantly struggle to understand why people still have not come to terms with the idea that people are different, but we are all capable of achieving the same goals in life. No one is more superior to the other. In fact, we are what we make ourselves to be. Someone who is blond haired and blue eyed can be president or a drug dealer. And that comparison can easily be applied to anyone, regardless of color or ethnic background. Appearances do not make a person weaker or more superior than another.

Although there are only a few selected moments I can think of from my own life, where I was treated differently or made fun of because I'm a of a minority, there have been many times where I found myself feeling offended by something I had witnessed. Usually it's rude remarks or someone trying to be...well, funny. It's rather sad that people think it's funny to make fun of other races. Making someone else feel weak and unworthy of equal respect is not something I think anyone wants to feel responsible for.

So why do it? Personally, I think the main reason for why racism exists is a result of lack of knowledge. I wish people would be willing to open up their eyes to see what is changing around them. I wish people would allow themselves to experience something new and put themselves out there. I wish people would shut their eyes and listen to what people have to say and just ignore what they appear to be.

I can only hope that I will still be around when the time comes for our [future] society/generations to finally make this important realization. The one day where people will look at each other not for how they may look, but rather because of their character or something they have accomplished. With each and every person in the world, there is one more thing they can add to the growth of a cooperative nation. What more could anyone ask for but pure acceptance for who they are and not that they look like?

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Today marked my very first, "grown up" coffee meeting. In all 21+ years of my life, I have not had a chance to say to someone [older than me], "Let's meet up for coffee and discuss this". Earlier this morning , I met up with someone for coffee and had a lengthy discussion about me possibly joining her business. There is a one hundred dollar start up fee because I would essentially be running my own business- setting my own hours and making appointments on my own. Such an opportunity is so appealing to me because it allows me to earn money while still making sure I'm keeping my schedule under control for school. I really think I should take her up on this offer because there are so many benefits to it. It also is something I normally would not do for myself. This is me trying to grow up.

Toward the end of our meeting, we got into a social conversation about society and how it is so important for women, young and old alike, to be strong and show the rest of the world what they are capable of. Society has continuously made women out to be submissive and only capable of serving men. Although there is progress being made, women are still not really considered as being equal to men. The woman I was with had strong opinions to what we [as women] need to do in order to make the world more accepting of what a women is capable in life.

She made a strong, valid point about what it takes for women to create a stronger future. She wants to be sure to raise her daughters to be strong, independent people. She does not want to raise them to be people just like her, but rather the people she wants to be. When I heard that, I could not help but agree with everything she was saying. Personally, I believe that the generation we live in now does not have a lot of hope to changing its' discriminatory ways. It is difficult to change someone's views after they reach a certain age because they have grown accustomed to believing their own set of rules and ideals for their lifestyle. It is not to say that no one will ever want to change, but it is rare to find that one person who does wish to. But why shouldn't we do our small part in society and inform people about what needs to be changed to strengthen our future. Our children should be raised with smart ideas and hopefully they will gather enough courage to spread the word and make their generation the one to look forward to.

It is so nice to be able to have such a conversation with someone. We covered everything from sex to racial discrimination and tolerance. During our chat, we also talked about the idea of self fulfilling prophecy. It's important to believe that you, personally, are able and capable of doing anything you want to. If you think and believe you can then you can do it. If you think something will/should happen; then it will. Frankly, I think those are the best words to live by. I've been putting a lot of thought into this concept and I know I need to start adapting it into my lifestyle. I need to have faith in myself before anyone else can.

I've spent this whole summer trying to put myself out there and branch out from the norm. Even though it has only been about two months, I can already seeing myself grow as a person. I have done things I never thought I would do. I have been known to be somewhat dependent on my friends. I love spending time with people and as a result, I would feel somewhat awkward when I'm going places by myself. But now, I think I'm finally coming into my own. I worked for a bit this summer with brand new co workers- even spending a lunch hour with some of them and having one of them drive me to my car when we both closed one night. I went out and changed my hair cut to give me a boost of confidence and made myself hang out with my friends and their friends to expand my social circle. So far things have been working out in my favor. I have learned to let go of the things that have been holding me back. I even recently danced with a guy at club and met someone new that is interested in going out to dinner with me.

Really, I figure, what do I have to lose? I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me. If I don't put myself out there, I will be forcing myself into missing out on so many experiences that I know I will regret later in life. I need to take this time to focus on the person I want to become- The happier, stronger, independent woman I know I am...at least deep down.


Peace. Love.

Friendship

Usually when someone chooses to ask me what I value most in my life, I'm sure they expect me to say that I value the roof over my head or the clothes off my back. But regardless of how much those things do matter to me, I value something else much more. When I think about my life- specially where I am now and how I got here- my mind comes back to the friends I have [or had] throughout my life. I am who I am because of the people I encounter in life. Whether they were good people or bad, they effected me in one way or another. I understand that society and my surroundings all play a part in forming who I am, but I believe my friends have a direct connection to me and what I adapt as my own character. My parents may have raised me but they are not always around to watch me grow- my friends are.

For as long as I can remember, I have valued the aspect of friendship above all else. I realize many would not understand why family is not at the top of my list, but that would be easily understood if anyone actually knew me for me. As much as I love my family, I understand that there are many things about me that they would not understand, or rather, they would not want to understand. I know who they want me to be. But my friends understand who I really am. It's a slight but life changing difference.

I remember how important it was when I younger, to have a large group of friends. It was important to be well liked and always have someone to sit with at lunch. Quantity was so much more important than quality back then. Now that I'm older, I have learned that quality matters more than anything else. Especially when determining who my friends are. As the years go on, I find myself growing distant from certain friends and forming stronger, closer bonds with others. I really only have a few friends- in fact, I can count them all on one hand. This might have bothered me when I was younger, but now I know that's all I need. Many people don't understand the difference between "Friend" and "Acquaintance".

* A Friend is someone who will be always be there for you. Someone who will sit in silence while you cry about something/anything. Someone who will be the one person laughing with you when you trip over something in front of a crowd of people. The few people in my life who will always be there for me when I need them and not just when they feel like it. They will always love and accept me for the person I wish to become and the person I currently am. They are family. They are someone you [I] would give my life for. They are the reason I live and breathe at this moment.

*An Acquaintance is someone who will be there for you when it's convenient for them. Someone who knows that you're weird, but does not know WHY you are that way. Someone who feels like you are easily replaced by the next "cool" person they meet.

I value the few friendships I have in my life because I know how rare they are. These people have stuck with me through the good and the bad, and quite frankly, they have stuck it out with me for a lot longer than I ever expected. And for that, I am so completely thankful. I am so far from perfect it's almost hilarious. But regardless of any faults I have or any mistakes I make- They are always by my side and in my heart.

With that being said, I am completely in awe of how easy it is to have this one, most important aspect of my life, taken away by some "higher" reasoning. Whether it be distance, a falling out, or death; it still feels awful. I have spent years cementing certain friendships which lasted to this day, while others fell apart during the process. I can never understand why things happen the way they do. One day two people could be the best of friends and then something snaps and everything is gone. As much as any boy could hurt me, losing a friend hurts more. Trust me, I have had my experience in this field. Looking back on things, I can honestly [and sadly] say that I have lost two real friends. I remember both of them. I remember when I discovered we were not friends anymore. The pain; the tears; the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It still eats away at me because I do think about them still. I remember the good and block out the bad. Although I lost them both, they are still apart of me. They helped make me who I am. And I'm grateful for that.

I guess the reason for this entry is because I fear I'm in the position to lose another one [friend]. I don't think I can afford to lose this one. We've been through a lot in the past four years, but for some reason, I think they are already letting go. I guess I will never understand how things happen the way they do. I don't understand why something SO important to me can be taken away like I don't deserve it. I have a lot of questions that will never be answered. I won't understand. But until the day I do, I suppose I can do nothing but keep moving on and hope for a new friendship somewhere a long the way. A new friendship that will prove to me that things really do happen for a reason.


Peace. Love.

A new beginning to an end?

The problem with having an online journal is that people tend to find out about it and read things that they aren't supposed to. For instance, I used to write religiously in my Xanga, but then my brother found it and subscribed to it. That's definitely not a good thing. Then I signed up for a LiveJournal about two years ago and I realized today that there are so many things I want to write but can't because there are some people I don't want reading it.


Thus leading to the creation of my newly created journal here. Let's see if it fairs better.