Confidence

Today has been one of those days I will later choose not to remember. It is true when they say, "when it rains, it pours."

I want to have the ability to feel confident in the decision I make in life. As I grow older, I realize there will be many decisions I will have to face in the future and I know I will make them. But I am terrified that I will not know which is the right one to make. I constantly find myself doubting whether or not I did the right thing and that only results in me agnonizing over the situation for quite some time. It just kills me inside. I want to be the person decides something and acts on it. I want to think, act and be happy with it. What's done is done, right?

I am terrified that this constant state of doubt is going to cause me to remain in this identity. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I would give anything to walk around in the world feeling like I belonged in this skin. To create an image and air of confidence in which people would take notice and respect. I don't want to be the the girl people walk all over to get what THEY want in exchange for what I was trying to get. Why is it always at the expense of my happiness?

I learned in class that people will not change and or accept advice unless they are ready to. I understand that but I am sitting here wanting so badly to change. I am ready but where is the help? Where is the change? I want someone to grab me by the shoulders and magically instill me with the knowledge and confidence I need to make it in the world.

The more I study psychology the more I start to pick out traits that I find in myself. I need saving. I need a change. I need to feel like me.

For once, please, I need to do this for myself. I don't know who I am pleading to but please guide me towards a light that will save me from the darkness I have encased myself in. Let me break through and show the world the person I just might be or even the person I so desperately desir to be.

I want my life.