How long does it take to fall out of love?
Does it happen faster when you are left alone to defend yourself?

ugh

I'm all hung up on you and you don't even exist in my life. How's that for a slap in the face. Thanks, LIFE.

Worse than being misunderstood is not being understood at all to begin with

All my life, I have not been able to go to my mom about anything. The relationship I had with her while growing up was strictly a parent/child relationship. We were not friends. We would not bond over anything. We had our roles and that is how it had to be. I remember there was one time when I decided I wanted a strong bond between us- like the bond my friends had with their moms.

In the eighth grade, I found out that some of my best friends were cutting themselves. This scared me and I tried to confront them about it. They told me that if i said anything to anyone, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. I made the choice to do the right thing. I made the choice to put the situation in the hands of someone who could ensure their safety. I told. And they were not my friends after that. I came home crying to my mom and told her all about it. I expected a comforting hug or words of encouragement, but all I got was "you shouldn't hang out with people like that." She could not understand why I was so sad. Or why I needed guidance. She did not understand me- her own daughther.

Earlier tonight, my mom called me. When I first told her about my engagement, she was not too thrilled about it. She said I was rushing into things and I was not thinking. I told her I knew what my heart felt and that it was wha I wanted. So tonight she asked me where Mike was. I had to tell her. I wanted to tell her.

I ended up telling her about everything. She tried to comfort me. She tried to tell me there would be other guys. She tried to tell me that I would eventutally forget about him. But the only thing that stood out was when she said "don't do anything stupid over this." Just saying that proves she doesnt' know me at all. I am a selfish person. If I were to harm myself, I know it would hurt more than just myself. I know I cannot do that to anyone. It just hurt to know that is what she thinks of me.

Mike and I .... are not working. I can feel it in my heart. I cry when I think about him. I cry when I talk about him. I just cry. I know he is hurting but so am I. I cannot fix this- especially by myself. And if he wanted to make this work, he would fight for me. He would have an opinion about something- anything. But he has given me nothing to go on. we are on a break now until he figures out what he wants. I'm waiting for him to figure it out. But in the meantime, I can feel everything that was there, just slipping away....

I feel like I'm losing this battle.

i just don't know anymore...

I want to know I'm worth fighting for.
I want to know we are worth fighting for.
I sincerely want forever to be just that- forever.

I don't think I'm asking for too much.
I just want to matter.


Are you the one to prove that it will be right in the end? Or at least right for now?

You really aren't going to talk to me are you?

Is this it????

Some friend I am...

I want to talk to you SO badly. But if you wanted to talk to me...you would. But you don't

I'm not your girlfriend. You have no obligation to me...and that makes me sad.

I am breaking. I can't do this anymore. I can't do thing for others anymore. I can't fix them. I can't protect them. Because at the end of the day i only have myself and I can't do this.




I need someone to catch me and there's no one here. I can't breathe in my skin. I can't think. I can't do this anymore.




i'm fucking breaking and no one cares.

Ten Months

I am not even sure of what I want in my life right now.

Mike left this morning- earlier than expected, which is becoming a new trend. He is bored here but I am starting to think he is becoming bored with me. When he left, I did not send him off with a sweet good bye. In fact, I was pretty upset he was leaving. One day with him after two weeks of not seeing him is not enough. But I guess that is enough for him. Maybe I am being unreasonable and clingy. Nevertheless, I feel empty when he leaves. It just is not fair. Not only did I not have enough time with him, tomorrow is our ten month anniversary. I realize monthly anniversaries are lame but I have never gotten a chance to experience a realationship this long or this serious. If this hurts, just imagine how bad I will feel when our one year rolls around and we do not spend it together. I already know that is how it will be. Valentines Day is on a Sunday and he leaves by then...if not earlier.


I am sure I am being selfish. It is not about me. I am being stupid.

I hate what I did today. I feel as though I let myself down. I wanted to take a stand- to do something for myself. I wanted to defend myself and change the way things are. But I am me. I cannot hurt two other people in the process, regardless of how selfish they are being. How hypocritical they are being.


I am tired. And reevaluating who my true friends are. If anything, this whole ordeal has taught me that the people I thought I could trust really would rather they protect themselves that stand by my decision.

When are they going to learn that the day I walk away will be the day they realize they will not have anyone to keep them all together anymore? If that is the way they want to handle things, I will gladly accept that challenge.

I'm TIRED.

Oh, let me fix this right quick...

Today sucked.

Everything I have heard so far, sans a few people has been basically: fix the situation so Jackie doesn't feel bad. Apparently I have to protect her. And make our mutual friends happy.


Why can't they understand that it's time for me to be happy? Is it fair to have me fix something that doesn't make me happy? I am tired of all of this. I'm tired of what happended today.

I guess this is what people depend on me to do. Give up what I want for what they want. And quite frankly, it sucks.

I know this situation doesn't just involve me. I know there are two people. But for once I want something for me and now I'm being selfish. It's like no one can see ME and care enough to just let this be. I'm sorry you guys are mutual friends. I'm sorry this affects you guys. But really....don't I matter?

Slap in the face

I wish I could have some sort of sign that shows me everything will be alright.

I need a blank slate. I need to realize who is important in my life.

I need to realize that my life WILL NOT turn out the way I want it to. It just won't.

The blank unknown

As expected, I have been giving a lot of thought about my future. Especially with regards to my career. Most people have some idea of what they want to do with their lives. They may have that life long goal that they are working towards. Me? Well I always knew I wanted to work with children- specifically, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. But then I discovered that my dream was not feasible, at least not through the eyes of my parents. Then I dreamt about being a pedatrician, which would combine my love of children with the doctor role my parents so desperately wanted from me. I maintained that goal into my first year of college and failed miserably. I never knew I could hate science SO much. Now I am finally following my own path and studying something I find interesting.

But what am I going to do with my degree?

I had a length conversation with a new friend today about the future. She was worried about her future in the medical world. And I am worried about nothing being able to establish my career in something that makes a difference in the world. I can see my friend becoming that doctor and opening her own practice. I on the other hand, cannot see myself doing anything. And I think the fact that my future is so...blank...that scares me. My mind is constantly plauged with "what ifs".


What if I cannot make anything for myself???

Just breathe.

I am feeling in the groove with school right now. Have not really procrastinated with anything yet, but it is only the second week. I am actually sitting with nothing to do and it feels absolutely amazing.

I am exicted for the rest of the week. Lunch with Joey. Save the date party with Megan and Ashley. Weekend at home with family and Mike. Lunch with Sabrina. And only reading for homework. Woot!



That and it is that certain time of the month again. Why is that even relavent? Because...I was late. Scary stuff.

crazy?

I have been taking psychology courses since my senior year in high school. So roughly, 6 years worth of material. What have I learned?




Perhaps I need some therapy sessions to help me deal with myself.

A dose of reality

I have discovered yet anothe flaw within myself. I thought I have realized enough of my own flaws over the years. I have continuosly beat myself up about everything. I am surprised I am still standing. I advise the people around me to realize their self worth. That they should not expose themselves to toxic individuals. That they deserve the best.I do not understand why I could never see those same traits in myself.


What I am trying to get at is...I cannot let go of the past. I have been hurt in the past and I guess I have never gotten past any of it. After so many years of burying my past,things just continue to build up. Sometimes, when I find myself sitting alone with my thoughts, those buried items find a way to seep through the cracks. A lot of things can trigger it- whether it is because I am feeling down about myself or even a song I am listening to. In this instance, HE hurt me SO badly I can still feel it sometimes. I just wish I understood why he had to treat me that way. How could he?

All I ever wanted was to be good enough- Good enough for someone to love. I just wanted to matter to someone...


Mike kind of dashed my hopes of getting married next summer. "There's so much to do before we can get married." I know he is right but I guess I wanted to feel like I could finally get the happy life I have always wanted. I was planning. I was so excited and happy. Now...I feel like maybe it will not happen. What if he "comes to his senses" like everyone else did?

What if he realizes that I don't matter?


All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

Chorus
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

Repeat Chorus

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need

Week 1

The end of my first week of school this term is coming to an end. I only have one class tomorrow and it is only an hour long. I do not think that is anything to complain about. Although everyone is obviously busy with their own school obligations I was able to meet up with some of my friends this week for a bit. It was nice to be able to catch up, regardless of how long or short the time spent was. I think I was able to sit down and chat with at least six differently people! I should appreciate it now because I know things will become increasingly busy thus resulting in less friend time.

In other news, I have been choosing my words very carefully when I talk to my room mate. Actually, I prefer not to talk to to her at all because it tends to frustrate me. I have been stressed out about this living situation for some time now and only recently have been able to get some peace of mind. I go about my days doing what I need to do and actually doing things I like to do. It is nice. Besides, there are only 5 months left of living with her and then I will not have to deal with this anymore. It is a good "light at the end of the tunnel" situation. And frankly, I think this mindset works for me.

I have also discovered that when I find myself getting overwhelmed with school or life in general, talking about/planning our wedding actually puts my mind at ease. I think it is a great idea to get a head start on all of the planning. That way I can save up and know what needs to be done. I hate rushing! I have been looking at wedding venues that will double as a reception space and wow, it is ridicuously expensive! I'm looking at at least three thousand dollars just for the space (and maybe things like tables, chairs and linens)! That is a scary thought but those places are so beautiful. I have also found someone to take our engagement photos whenever we are ready for that. And it is free! Thank goodness for talented, great friends. I have chosen the wedding colors, member of my bridal party, and the maid of honor. The first dance song has also been chosen as well as the person who will be making our cake. The color theme for the wedding as also been chosen. So really, we are well on our way and I am growing increasingly excited. I am just eager to start our lives together.

Really, I am tired of falling asleep without him next to me. Or not having him here when I need a hug. Or when I want to tell him about something that happened.

I just miss him when he is gone. I guess that is love for you.

Smile

It is amazing how much things can change in such a short amoun of time. This time last year, I was completely heart broken. I was a few weeks away from "meeting" Jesse. School was picking up again and I did not see the end of the tunnel.

Now I am engaged. I graduate in the spring. Mike is unbelievable. So amazing.


Life is good.

School Oh School!

Today marked the first day of Winter term. Not only that, but it is the last Winter term of my undergrad career! I only had two classes today that were very spaced out. I do not think I have any reason to be stressed yet. But I also have two more classes tomorrow. I am registered for 5 credits less than I was last term so it can't be that bad, right?

It is not even 9 o'clock and I'm feeling tired. This may actually be a good thing since I have an 8am class in the morning. Yay for more psych classes.

School in the Morn'

Today was quite the boring day. Not exactly how I pictured spending my last day of winter break. But nevertheless, I think it was good to not do anything. I stayed up way too late last night thus leading to me being tired all day. I'm trying to get a good nights sleep tonight for class.

There was one benefit to not sleeping much last night- I was able to have a nice chat with my sister. It has been so long since we've talked and I finally got a chance to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids. I was also able to narrow down the colors for the wedding and look through the wedding dresses on David's Bridal. I think I found a style I really like but it is only available online. How lame is that? Hopefully they will have similar styles in the store for me to try on. I'm starting to grow increasingly excited to plan the wedding. I have some ideas on how to cut the wedding costs down.

Ah well it is getting late and I need to get in bed. Perhaps I will put in Lilo and Stitch again. :)

I just want to be a kid...

I am at the point in my life where I know I cannot afford to continue acting like a child. I have responsibilities to hold myself to. I am really expected to do something with me life. I suppose when considering my age I am already an adult but I feel as though becoming an adult will officially start when I graduate with a degree. Then my life will be about finding a job and being able to support myself- without the aid of my family and or parent.s

I think this upcoming entrance into adulthood should scare me but for some reason, I feel like it is perfectly natural. I do not feel worried about having to make ends meet and focus on my life finanically. I do not feel nervous about pledging my love to Mike for the rest of my life. Overall, I just feel as though the rest of my life (and how it turns out) is just a long time coming.

Ideally, my life would be completely planned out. At least with regards to the big things like my career, having a home and a family, etc. I want to finish school. Find a job. Save up enough money to move in with Mike and then of course get married. Then before I turn 30 I hope to have my first child and then continue working. Hopefully somewhere not too far down the line, I would like to have a second child or even adopt one. Then the rest of my life will be dedicated to loving my family and living my life in the way that makes me the happiest.

Personally, I think this is plan sounds completely reasonable but I know it is not realistic to believe that my life will unfold according to this plan. In fact, I know that there will be major challeneges and one of those life goals might not even happen. But I think the main thing that is keeping me fighting for this ideal life is my faith- my hope.

Perhaps if I want it so badly, it will happen?

Oh really, now?

I have recently discovered that I can be a resentful person. Perhaps even subtley/passively vindictive. I guess I carry on a more peaceful front when around people but if someone were to wrong me, I have it in my right mind to give them a piece of their own medicine. With that being said, I do not resent very many people. Perhaps at one time, there was Charisza. And then Seth. But not both at once.

I think I do eventually get over whatever the other person did BUT it takes a long time. The other person never regains their place in my good graces.

I guess this might make me a bad person, but I believe strongly in treating people the way I want to be treated. If I wanted people to treat me like a bitch, I would be a bitch to everyone. But hey, I do not act that way and in return, people do not treat me as one. But if they do and I know with all honesty that I do not deserve it, I will retailiate. If you treat me poorly in any way, I will, and I promise, I WILL LET YOU KNOW.


People should never underestimate what they do not know. Especially when it comes to underestimating me.