Deep Breaths...

I truly feel blessed when life throws good things my way. Meeting him has made me life that much more optimistic. I smile constantly now. I'm more focused on everything. I'm happy again. And he made me realize that even though things were bad in the past, I will always deserve something great in the future.

I feel Isolated

Before bed, I usually spend a little bit of time reading blogs on some of the communities I'm a part of. This isn't my only online journal; it's actually my third. I have always felt the need to write but for some reason when I realize people are actually reading it, I stop writing in that journal. I think a part of me is afraid that someone might think my writing style is junk or that the topics I write about are frivolous. But I think my biggest fear is that someone might actually understand where I'm coming from.

One of my favorite topics to read and write about is love and everything that is related to it. I will be the first to admit that I don't have a lot of experience on the matter but it doesn't mean that my own knowledge of it doesn't apply. Anyway, earlier this evening, I stumbled upon a blog that questioned the difference between like, lust, and love. The blogger suggested that the reason for why dating and relationships are so difficult is because people have a hard time differentiating between the three and thus leading to ill perceived situations.

Like is something that can be both temporary and lasting. It shows a general appreciation for something, whether living or not. It's not really a strong feeling. You can like your friends but you can also just like walking or even cheese.


Lust to me, is a feeling that is driven more so by passion. It can be purely a physical lust for someone. It can also be described as being an infatuation. This is usually considered to be more short term rather than long term. Well, unless you want to turn into a full on stalker that is driven so strongly by lust that you end up building a shrine for the object of your lust....but I digress.

And above all else, my favorite: love. Love is the feeling of unconditional acceptance. It's a combination of like and a healthy dose of lust. It's a person's ability to accept and "love" another regardless of their flaws. Love is formed when you realize that regardless of all the arguments or tears, you still don't want to live your life without them. Your love doesn't make you whole but rather compliments you. It's the other person who makes life all that much better. The one who sticks with you through thick and thin. Love prevails in the heart, even if things don't work out on the surface, or what I like to call, "the real world".

I have experienced all three of these emotions. I happen to like a lot of things in my life. They are the simple things I encounter in everyday life. I lust after Jensen Ackles [my celebrity crush] and that cute pair of shoes I see at Nordstrom. But above all else, I love my friends, family, and my life. I have been blessed enough to have loved someone I thought was the one to further compliment my life but it wasn't right. I know I will be able to love again someday. But for now, like and lust is good enough for me.

So I pose the question, can you really tell which emotion you're feeling? Or is it just something that has to play out before you realize what it really was?

Questionable thinking

I absolutely adore kids. They are so adorable, so sweet, and absolutely sincere. I can't wait until I get to raise my own kids someday. Everyone tells me I'll be a great mother, but I can't help but doubt my own ability. I have so much love to give and I would love to give my whole heart to someone and love them unconditionally.

But what if I can't do it? What if I turn out to be a terrible mother? What if I'm just not meant to have kids?

This is the thought process that comes up when I start liking a guy who already has a daughter. She's already the love of his life and I think it's wonderful how devoted he is to her. I don't want to step on any toes and be the "step mother" but....what if? That's the problem with getting older. The guys I date might actually have kids already. I don't mind being a step mother, but what if I'm just not good at it? It would break my heart if the kids didn't love me in return.

It is what it is

We all know how the saying goes: "everything happens for a reason". I absolutely dislike this phrase. I've been hearing this all my life. I remember asking my mom why bad things keep happening to me and I received that phrase as a response. I was a lot younger then so my mind had difficulties comprehending what she meant.

Years later I still find myself struggling to understand it. Everything happens for a reason? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do bad things happen to good people? Neither of those instances make any sense to me. I personally believe I am a good person. I work hard to have what I do and I try my best to better myself. I don't cause harm to others nor do I cheat or steal.

With that being said, I also realize I have my faults. I am far from perfect. I have told lies before. I have found myself disliking people. I have broken laws [speeding and drinking when I was still a minor]. I'm not incredibly intelligent and school is hard. I don't trust people, therefore making relationships difficult. I struggle to be a good person at times.

But overall, I TRY. And if the so called fates have something else in store for me that counters everything I try to do in my life, I guess I no choice but to go along with it. I can't let them win. I can't [won't] be defeated by some unknown being. If fate wants bad things to happen to be ...well, I'm dying to know what the reasons are.

The late bloomer

People complain about how difficult it is to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. They say for some unknown reason, they aren't able to meet the right people or they never get approached by people. Then come the complaints about how they hate being single or they're jealous of seeing happy couples around them.

To be honest, I'm one of those people. As much as I hate to admit it, I just can't help but feel this way. I tend to think of myself as being a late bloomer. I didn't date in high school like everyone else. I didn't get my first official kiss until the first year of college. My first real relationship wasn't until my third year of college. Sex didn't come around until I was 20. I can honestly say I've had two real relationships in my life. One in which broke my heart but I was in love. So many of my friends are engaged, married, seriously in love, or even with kids already. I'm starting to feel like I will always be the late bloomer of the group. It's as though my luck has never gotten me anywhere.

I know what I want in my life. I want to: finish school, move to the east coast, be a social worker, fall in love and have it returned, see the world, raise a family, be happy. I would love to have someone to share that with me. Someone to be by my side when things go amazingly well...and for the times when the world seems to crumble at my feet.

I want him to be sweet, sincere. Outgoing and determined. Strong willed and strong minded. I want him to have an open heart to love unconditionally. To accept me for all of my flaws and to have his own flaws for me to love. Someone to hold me when I'm sad and to make me laugh until tears come to my eyes. I want someone to be there to make me smile. I don't need the movie star good looks or the riches. I need a man with a kind heart.

I don't think I ask for too much. I understand that things happen when they're supposed to. Don't go looking for it, it will find you. Those sayings are common but as much as I want to just be patient, sometimes it becomes to difficult. I thought I had it all at one point and in another instance, I lost it. I wish fate would stop playing games. I deserve to be happy.

So really, is it that hard to meet someone? Or is it our fault? Perhaps we are so focused on finding the perfect someone that we're closing ourselves off from the people who are around us every day. Our standards are too high and I think it's starting to result in the wrong people getting together.

The stages of Mourning

A friend pointed out that I have gone through the stages of grief after having my heart broken by him. I never thought about it that way, but it's true. I really have. I definitely haven't followed the steps in order though, but I have gone through them all. Apparently I don't tend to follow the rules, so going through the steps out of order was expected for me. My friend knows me all too well.


I have concluded that I do hate him. I hate him for making the decision to end us by himself. I hate him for breaking my heart. I hate him for leaving me behind when he promised me forever.


But after all of that hate, I realize I will always love him. He will always be my first love and there's nothing that would replace that in my heart. He's becoming nothing more than a memory. The smell of his colonge on my pillows and blanket are surely fading. And before long, he will be nothing but the person who will always hold a small piece of my heart and my past.

Rambling of Sorts

There is a lot to say about relationships. To me, there are two approaches to them- you can have a personal relationship face to face where you can see each other as often as you wish or you can have a relationship that is long distance where the primary growth of the relationship is dependent on phone calls, text messages and the occasional [rare] visit. People would ultimately want to choose the relationship that wasn't long distance because of the close factor. Many people don't believe it's possible to fall in love over any other technological means.

I understand the desperate need for two people to spend time with each other. To touch and hold each other. To look into each others' eyes. The sense of touch is what further deepens the love two people can share. There's nothing I love more than to be held by someone. It makes me feel safe; as though nothing in the world could go wrong because I have someone who wants to protect me from the rest of the world. But I do have faith that there are other methods of falling in love and being able to find that one person who truly accepts you for who you are- even with all of your flaws.

But on the other hand, I have fallen in love with someone over the phone. I have loved someone I have only seen in person three times. Our entire relationship was based on phone calls, pictures and text messages. But at the time it felt like real love. I realize that things ended horribly with that relationship but it was real to me.

I still have faith in long distance relationships, even if they are difficult to maintain. I still think that if it's worth it, two people will work through the distance. Things are meant to happen. Where there's faith, there's the possibility.


Some day....the possibility will be mine.

Don't forget to BREATHE

So why is it that when I meet someone who thinks I'm absolutely perfect, he's on the other side of the country. At least this time we both know it's not something we should get into. Seriously.

On the other hand, my posts have become increasingly mindless as of late. This is a direct result of my starting Winter term. Tomorrow is just my fourth day of the term and I'm already burnt out. This is going to easily be the worst term of my college career. I have so many chapters to read in such a short amount of time. Two novels to read for two different classes, plus one extra for a book review. Two group presentations and one group paper on top of one individual paper...for ONE CLASS. Seriously! Combine that with the time I need to study and sleep. Oh and eat? Yeah, talk about fucking wonderful. But on the brighter side of things, I'm loving my Anthropology 381 class as well as my Art class. Yay for pointless classes that I need to take for my liberal arts degree. I'm so tired....

It's a good world.

There are still some good people out there. Whether it's the guy who held open the door for me today or the random stranger who smiled at me when I walked by. It's those little things that make me realize the world isn't all that bad. I don't remember when I lost my optimistic self, but I miss her.


P.S: I absolutely love sleeping in my Brandon Roy jersey. <3

Once Upon a Time...

Can you imagine getting engaged on Christmas day? What about packing up your life and driving across the country to live with your fiance? Now how about if you and your fiance got married on New Year's Day? Just imagine marrying your best friend. The one person you know who is right for you.

I can. I would have in a heart beat. If he proposed to me, I would drop everything to be with him. Except now I'm dealing with something different. I'm living the nightmare.

My friend did all those things. She and her [now] husband are so in love. I can honestly say I have never seen any two people so head over heels for each other. They never fight or at least they just have small arguments but that's as far as it goes. They are perfect for each other and everyone can see it. No one judges the quick engagement and marriage. We all know it's right.

She is living the fairy tale ending. She's the princess who found her prince charming. And now they live happily ever after. I want what they have. I want it so badly it hurts. I wanted it with him...

Someday I will have that fairy tale. My prince charming will come. Underneath all of my flaws, there is a bit of a princess in me. And this princess is going to move on with her life. He always said he'd take me to my first Blazers game. Well, guess what?



Looks like I can hold my own.

Determination

It's been a few days since I started my healthier eating habits. My portions are a lot smaller and I eat small snacks every 4 hours or so. I am determined to keep this up. I am determined to lose weight and be healthier. I am determined to do something to feel better about myself. I need to feel worthy again.

The last month has taken a huge toll on me- mentally, emotionally and physically. I dove head first into self pitying, eating sweets, and all out feeling ultimately defeated. I'm starting to find myself more and more each day. I can't say I'm over Him or that I'm not hurting anymore, but it's getting easier for me to push those feelings to the back of my head. I know I need to focus on myself now, more than ever.

The new term starts tomorrow and I'm sitting in bed right now, freaking out a bit. There are only a few things I need to focus on right now- school and the health of my mom and my sister. That's all that matters for the moment. I'm sure there will be moments when I find myself getting distracted with something, but I hope it doesn't result in the downfall of my own success.

Side note: I've started to pray every night before bed. I pray for his safety overseas. Does that mean I'm not letting go? Or is it just because I still [will always] care for him?

Hello Mr. Police man, Sir.

2009 has started off with a bang...or rather a multitude of lights. The lights from a police car, none the less. I was heading to the book store to buy books for the term. I completed my turn and looked in the rear view mirror. The ever so familiar flashing, red, blue and white lights. The first thing I thought was "what did I do wrong?!" I was pulled over today for making an unprotected left turn and not yielding. For some reason I thought I had right of way. I didn't. The officer was kind enough to let me go with a warning. He must have known I had never been pulled over before because I didn't even know what my car registration looked like. I had to ask him. Rookie mistake. I've never been pulled over for anything in the 5+ years of driving. I always thought I would be one of those girls who cried and tried to weasel their way out of the ticket, but I'm proud to say I was calm and responsible about the whole situation. I apologized and admitted my own mistake. Why lie? I think that helped in my avoiding a ticket. Although I'm still kicking myself for being so stupid to begin with, I'm proud that I was able to deal with the situation in a responsible manner.

But God forbid it ever happen again!

Kill the Lights

Any way I look at it now, it all boils down to one point. He just wasn't into me. Yes, I realize that's a cliche statement but it applies to my situation. For the most part, if a guy is remotely interested in a woman, they will make the effort. Seth had me fooled. He appeared to be making the effort and then once he realized he was crazy for "loving" me, he bailed. A decent guy would have broken up with me but He didn't. He walked out of my life with not so much as a single word and never looked back. I don't know what prompts guys to do this, but I am dying to find out. But I guess until then, I'll be making the same mistakes over and over again because I just can't seem to stop being so naive.

Wonderful.

I spent the entire winter break hoping that once I returned to Corvallis, there would be a letter sitting in my mail box from him, explaining everything. It would contain sweet words and the answers to all of my questions. I would get my closure and then I would move on. But low and behold, I drove back earlier tonight and checked my mail- nothing but junk. I guess I should know better than to get my hopes up.

p.s: my blanket still smells like him.

The first of many...

I stared at my reflection in the mirror last night, while getting ready. It would be one of the last times I would be seeing the 2008 reflection of who I was. I painstaking made sure I looked remarkable last night. The little black dress with the silver heels. My hair and make up portrayed the confidence I wanted others to see. I walked out of my house with my chin held high. It was the night I was to let everything go and start fresh.

I joined two of my friends for dinner before heading out downtown to meet up with some others for the remainder of the night. It was a little awkward at first because there were two guys, a couple, and Lissa and me. Lissa and I treated the night like the single women we were/are. It was nice to enjoy a few drinks with friends. The dance floor was packed with people single, coupled, and looking alike. We had a table, perfect for people watching. I recognized some people but they weren't who I wished to associate with in the New Year.

I was approached by a few guys. One was someone who waited on our table when the girls and I went to the Olive Garden last Sunday for lunch. He stopped me when I walked by and apparently he remembered me. He seemed like a sweet guy. Then another guy said hello and asked if I was single. I smiled and said yes while I walked away. He was definitely more interested in my chest than me. One guy decided he was going to force me to dance with him- Lissa put an end to that.

While sitting at our table, I noticed a group sitting by us. There was a guy who had an amazing sense of style. He was put together but it didn't look like he was trying too hard. He was good looking and ironically enough, [at least for me] he was also Asian. He danced and seemed to be having fun and I sat there wishing I had the guts to go up to him. I couldn't figure out if he was with anyone but I never did anything about it. We made eye contact many times throughout the night and then towards the end, he asked Lissa to take a picture of him and his group. Then he asked us if we were alone and when we told me we were, he started dancing with me. If only we figured out we were single earlier. One of his friends did take a picture of us dancing...so there's a chance we'll cross paths again. But for that night, it was fun. Freeing. Young.

The deejay was fantastic- straight from Vegas. The countdown began as the crowd packed onto the dance floor. This was it. The moment everyone was waiting for. We counted down the last ten seconds in unison and erupted into cheers. Good bye 2008, hello 2009. There were hugs and kisses all around. I kissed Lissa and Alina. Hugged Ryan. My heart ached a bit when I saw Alina and Ryan kiss. I've never had the actual midnight kiss. And when I thought about it, Seth wouldn't have been here with me at midnight anyway. So it's fitting he won't be with me for the next year, at all. This was the start of a new beginning. I looked around, realizing this is exactly where I should be. With my friends for the start and the end of every year. They are the ones who stick with me. The true ones don't ever leave. And really, that's all I'll ever need.

Happy New Year.