2008, get the hell out of here.

2008 was supposed to be the year for me. And I suppose in a way, it was. I have experienced a lot within the past 12 months- more than I wanted to. With each passing year, I grow older and experience things that change who I am. I feel as though I'm one step closer to finally figuring out who I am meant to be even though it never gets any easier.


Family: Writing about my family is not one of my favorite things. Family is supposed to be something you're born with. They are the people who bring you into the world and help shape the person you are- at least until you go out into the real world on your own. My brother is graduated from OSU this year and then moved back in with my parents. I now live in Corvallis without worrying about my brother watching my every move. I don't make many trips back to see my family because I feel like an outsider when I'm there. My brother and I haven't spoken more than three sentences to each other since August. The only thing we have in common now are memories and our parents. I have been home for Winter Break for about two weeks now and he can't even look me in the eye. The idea of this being my family tears me up inside. I would give anything to have a family that actually feels warm and loving. I don't doubt my family loves me, but the love is cold and forced. There's a difference in how it feels to me and the more time I spend around them, the more left out I feel. I have mentioned how I feel to my mom but she doesn't understand. To her, family is blood. That's all that matters. I'm growing away from them and I'm slowly coming to terms with it. I plan on leaving when I'm finished with school. I will be the daughter who holds the strained relationship with her family. My children will know them but it's only because they have the right to.

The relationship I have with my sisters are slowly becoming strained. I can feel it. We go months without talking to each other and when something important happens, I'm always the last to know. As left out as I may feel, it doesn't change how much I love them. They are my family. I love Vy for her honest heart. She's sincere and sweet. Loving and intelligent. She cares about the people in her life with so much...heart than I ever knew possible. She makes me feel as though I actually do right with my life. I love Michelle for her inner strength. She has gone through so much with her health these past few years. Regardless of what is thrown at her, she always has a smile on her face. She's a child at heart and loves her family. She is protective and forgiving. The two of them are the ones who got me through the toughest times- especially when I had nowhere else to turn to. They will always be bonded to me through heart.

School: I realized this year that I have grown to dislike school with a passion. I remember how excited I was to start kindergarten. How excited I was start each new school. But as I grow older, the forced learned is starting to take its toll on me. I'm not graduating this year and quite frankly, I'm mad at myself for it. It's my own fault that I slacked off. So now it's time to buckle down. I'll be taking classes every term [fall, winter, spring, summer, repeat] until I am done. I'm a psychology major and a sociology minor. I have a passion for working with children. I still don't know what field I want to go into, but I'm thinking more about becoming a social worker. The prospect of grad school has started to creep into my thoughts lately. As much as I hate the idea of more school, I know that I could find something useful in being a family therapist. My parents wanted me to study science and have a career in the medical field but my heart was never in it. I'm glad I finally took a stand and changed the direction of my life to something that would make me happy.


Friends: My friends have always been the most important people in my life. I know there aren't many people who understand why my friends are more important to me than my own family, but that just means they don't understand me. The people I choose to surround myself with are people I believe I can trust. People who tolerate me and my crazy antics. They are the people who are not allowed to judge me, for whatever reason. They are supposed to accept me for who I choose to be and the decisions I make. I have started to see some of my friendships in a new light. There are some people who I can't see in my future anymore. I can't pinpoint when this happened but I want to avoid a major blow out. As distant as we are now, I'm sure they won't bother to notice. This past year has been free of drama. I lost a few people who I thought were my true friends. It turns out people grow apart over time and the things you once had in common aren't strong enough to hold friendships together anymore. I'm becoming more aware of the unrealistic nature of believing people can be friends forever. College is only a small part of life and it's starting to reach its end. The people who have stuck with me through thick and thin are still here. They have never judged. They have never said "I told you so", even when it was obvious. They understood when I made mistakes and they knew I had to make them for myself. The people who will remain in my life are the ones who choose to support than to belittle. They don't hate. They embrace me and our friendship. They don't make quick judgments when I'm hurting. They approach situations with tact. They support me when I need it, but trust that I can remain strong and standing on my own.

Love: This was the first year I actually felt like I was starting to find myself with relationships. Bobby never came back into my life. I met Robert at the end of December 2007 and we struck up a friends with benefits relationship that lasted up until mid summer 2008. I understood the peramiters of our relationship but I started to grow attached to him. He should have realized that treating me like a girlfriend would harm me in the end. But then again, I should have too. He and I no longer speak to each other. I dated JP for awhile- roughly a month. We had a date in Corvallis and he was a sweet guy. Then he started to creep me out. He always had to know where I was and what I was doing. He would constantly call, text, and leave lengthy voice mails. I told him I needed some space because I was starting to feel smothered and he gave me a day at the most. This led to many heated arguments and then my friend told him to leave me alone. I dated David for two weeks. I thought things were going well and then one day he was suddenly in a relationship with someone else. It was as though I never existed in his life. For some reason I have a tendency to meet guys who date me but really they just want to play the game. Then they disappear. I don't trust guys anymore. There's no reason to. The second I let myself trust someone, they prove to me why I shouldn't.

The most important relationship I had was with Seth. After everything that has happened, I can honestly say that I am so glad I met him. I'm so glad I fell in love with him. I'm still hurting but I wouldn't trade these memories for anything in the world. I have spent so much of my life fearing that I would never fall in love or that no one would ever love me. But he did. I really believe that. I believe he wasn't playing the game. Any way I think of it, there was no gain for him to be in a long distance relationship. He sacrificed just as much as I did. Regardless of how much I want to believe in happily ever after, I also am a realist. I know that some things really have to come to end, so I choose to accept that. I choose to believe that he made this decision because he thought it was the right thing to do. He always wanted to protect me...but this time, I don't know what he's protecting me from. For the short amount of time I was with him, he made me feel like I could walk on water. He made me feel like I was beautiful, even with all of my flaws. He reminded me of how strong I really am. He showed me that even if I don't look and act exactly like my parents want me to, I can still be happy. He allowed me the privilege of falling in love. My friends hate him, but I can never. I still love him with my whole heart and I miss him so badly it hurts inside. He always told me that I need to let go of my past and now he's part of it. And I need to let him go.

The cynicism I have towards relationships and love is further increasing with each day. I am NOT looking for a new boyfriend. I don't want anyone to promise me forever. I don't trust. This is something I will have to continue to work on in the future....and for the rest of my life.


the new year: I have never been good at keeping resolutions that I have made in the past. There is so much pressure to achieve them that I tend to give up. These annual reflections are written to remind me of how much I've grown in the past years. I am not the same person I was back in high school. I'm stronger- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I live more for myself than for anyone else. For the year 2009, I strive to break out of my shell. Enough with being scared of what people think. If you don't approve of something I say or do, who cares? This is now, and chances are, I won't know you a year or two from now. Enough with worrying about how my parents feel about something. Enough with throwing myself a pity party because Seth doesn't love me. I need to be healthy. I will lose weight. I will finish school. I will surround myself with people who are good for me. I will not let people walk all over me anymore.

I am going to live this year for me, myself and I because I will never leave.


p.s: blazers beat the celtics tonight. how amazing <3

One part of Three.

She is small in frame. Thin and fragile. Sick and weak. Strong willed and loving. She has a warm, loving heart. Big by nature, to extend love and compassion to those she meets. Still a child inside, longing to be what she used to know herself as. Loyal, sincere, and protective. She's my big sister.

So why is she back in the hospital? Diabetes. Double kidney failure. Heart bypass. Leg bypass. Amputation. Countless nights spent in the ER. Countless calls to 911. Now another clogged heart artery? She's only 26.

What could possibly happen now?

The Recreation of Me

Barring some problems that happened at the beginning of last night, I had a great time last night. We went to my favorite bar and my favorite club. I miss dancing and meeting new people. It was a good way to celebrate my birthday. There were some not so great moments. I had the great misfortune of stepping in a pile of slush in my stiletto sandals and then the heel of my left shoe broke off ten minutes into dancing. I guess it's difficult to "get low" in 3.5 inch heels. Sabrina was amazing and broke the heel off my other shoe and I continued my night.

I ran into this guy I went to high school with. I remember having a huge crush on him for the greater portion of it. He said hello and gave me a hug. It's weird though, he would have never done that if were still in high school. Anyway, I'm not usually the kind of girl who attracts attention from the guys at the club when we go out. They normally are focused on Dia and her gorgeousness and Melissa. But last night was a different story. Granted I had more attention than I wanted. There were two Asian guys who were hassling me a bit. One grabbed my arm when I walked by to ask me where I was from. I looked at him and told him, Portland. He said he knew but wanted to know where I was from...ethnicity wise. I told him to guess and I tried walking away but he wouldn't let go of my arm. He then proceeded to tell me that his friend had a huge crush on me. Um no. So I shook my head and pulled my arm away. He caught me again later in the night and asked if he knew me. Apparently I look really familiar. Yeah, he needs to stop grabbing girls by the arm. It's creepy. Second Asian guy apparently thought he had a chance with me and my friend, Alanna. Apparently two Asian girls freak dancing is a beacon for guys. Funny. But he followed us around and would NOT leave us alone. So I got in his face and told him NO and walked off. Thus leading him to grab my arm and tell me that he'd leave us alone if we didn't go somewhere else. What a night. I did end up finding someone to dance with though. He was completely not creepy nor did he try to do anything shady. That's hard to find in a guy, especially when out clubbing. Anyway, we danced and I walked away without a name or a number. It felt good to do that.

It felt so weird getting all this attention from guys. Maybe there's something about me that says on the rebound that draws them in. They made me feel pretty, at least pretty enough for them to want to hit on me. Admittedly a slight confidence booster. Regardless, with all the people I met last night, I still found myself wishing I was with him. It doesn't mean anything to me that they thought I looked good for a night. It meant more when He did. I miss him telling me that I'm beautiful. He thought I was perfect. And having him tell me that meant the whole world to me. I guess my so called recovery can't be rushed.

So amazing.

I'm slowing getting ready for tonight. I have my outfit picked out. I finished straightening my hair. The Blazers are playing tonight. The snow has melted. I feel...kind of excited. This is the first time in awhile that I felt excited to do anything. Maybe I really will be okay. Baby steps though, baby steps.

Tomorrow is his 26th birthday. I'm going to call him. Leave him a message. I know I'm just making this harder for myself, but I also know there aren't very many more days until he leaves. Granted I don't know the exact date [nor is it really any of my business anymore], but I do think it's coming up. My goal is to stop trying to contact him completely after by the new year. I have no desire to date or find my rebound guy. It's not fair to myself or to whatever guy I may meet. I can't date someone else while I'm still in love. Apparently I have a lot of work I need to take care of. But hey, maybe this Valentine's day won't suck completely. I think I may just come back here and hang out with Sabrina. Sounds like a plan.

Anyway, here's to tonight. Celebrating with friends that stood by me through the past few years. To getting my groove back...or at least some of it. Here's to looking like a knock out and loving it.

The Everlasting Love

It doesn't come as a surprise that I spend a lot of my time sitting in random coffee shops- especially Starbucks. Coffee shops combine two of my favorite things- caffeine and people watching. There are many people who think people watching is random creepy and awkward, but I happen to appreciate it. It allows me the ability to escape from my own reality and see how others are living. When my life starts to really get me down, it comforts me to see other people happy. Seeing adorable kids exploring their surroundings or friends laughing over coffee. It's comforting.

With that being said, there are some bouts of people watching that usually don't help my situations. It's rare that I am overly happy when I see couples sneaking quick kisses or walking by and holding hands. I think it makes me a little jealous. I've only had that once and it didn't last long. Seeing young couples so happy really just creates a constant reminder that I'm still alone in my life. I haven't found that one person who makes me feel like I'm worthwhile.

As cynical as I have become, I have to admit that there's one thing that still reminds me to have tiny bit of faith in my personal ability to find love. It's sweet to see an older couple out and about. How they hold hands and the husband holds open the door for his wife or even pulls out her chair. It's obvious how in love they are, even after years of being together. That's the kind of love I want. I want to grow old with someone. Be able to fall deeper in love with each passing year. I want to be have a love that really does last forever. Being the girl that I am, I also appreciate the couple from The Notebook. I mean really, is a love like theirs too much to ask for? Seeing older couples so perfect for each other just makes my heart warm a bit.

Today marks the last day of the crazy snow storms. The formerly named "winter wonderland" is slowly but surely melting. I have never been so glad to see snow melting. I'm starting to become rather irritable and well, I'm sure my parents aren't appreciating it. But it's nothing new. I spent the majority of today reading and surfing the web. Spending so much time in my room reminds me of this past summer's lock down. Fun memories. It just makes me think of him even more. I finally got around to creating a postcard to send into post secret. I actually ended up making two and I will send them off as soon as I can. If either of my secrets get posted on the website, I will rather surprised. I don't know if they can be deemed as "post secret" enough.

Nevertheless, tomorrow night is my late birthday party. I'm actually a little excited. To dance, to drink, to laugh. I get to go to Blitz again. I get to dress up and make people think I'm fabulous. My friends are going to make everything better again.

Santa Never Came

It was yesterday when I realized I have never decorated a Christmas tree. I have never placed an ornament on one. My parents never let me believe in Santa Claus. I feel like I've been robbed of some of the innocence I should have had. Even though my parents never told me about Santa and played into the whole teaching me the existence of him, I came to the conclusion on my own. Everyone else believed, so why couldn't I? I remember one Christmas eve, I tip toed out into the living room. My mom had allowed me to decorate this fake tree [no, not a Christmas tree] with lights. I plugged them in and I remember trying to pray to Santa- thinking he could hear me. I wanted an actual Christmas. One that was happy-like what my friends had. My wish never came true. And it was then that I decided Santa was a fraud. I was 5 years old. Now that I'm 22, I have to confess that a tiny part of me still wants to believe. I want to believe that there's magic out there.

Last night before going to bed, I sat by my window and looked at the snow and the lights of the neighborhood. I felt my eyes welling up with tears and I spoke to Santa. I told him I had two wishes. Two miracles that I wished to happen more than anything. I wished him for the good health of everyone in my life and for one other thing. I won't disclose the other wish, mainly because I know it's unrealistic. Well, unrealistic in my own cynical eyes. Maybe I will add it later...

The loud "wind chime" sound feature went off on my phone all morning, waking me up from my restless sleep. My friends were sending their mass text messages wishing everyone a merry Christmas. I stayed in bed thinking about how just about a month ago, things used to be so different. My family and I spent less than ten minutes opening presents this morning. It made me feel a bit better seeing that my parents enjoyed the gifts I got them. My brother told me "thank you". Less than ten minutes was the most amount of time the entire family has spent together since I've been home for winter break. Less than ten minutes in over a week. How's that for coming home for the holidays? My brother and I still aren't speaking but we did exchange gifts. I got him a gift card to Best Buy. He gave me cash- for both my birthday and for Christmas, I'm assuming. I really didn't need a present from him. It would have meant so much more to me if he had called me to wish me a happy birthday. Keep in mind that my birthday was on the 3rd. I wish that even if it was just for today, my family would feel like a family again.

I don't doubt that my family loves me. But their love isn't warm and comforting. It's cold and forced.

It snowed a bit this afternoon but I realized that something I used to love so much really just makes me feel empty inside now. It isn't normal for someone to feel lonely and empty when they are in the same house as their family. I have always felt this way but I guess the feeling has increased as I grow older. Things won't be like this when I have children. They will always be welcomed into a warm, loving home. The holidays will mean something. They will get to experience the lights and decorations. We will have our own traditions. Christmas won't just be that holiday where you spend money on gifts. It will be another day in the year where my kids will want to come home because that's where their heart lies. We would be the picture perfect family Hallmark advertises.

Michelle left me a comment on my other journal last night. I had written the entry awhile ago and I was convinced that she didn't read [my journal] anymore. I wonder if my brother still reads it... Anyway, she basically told me "I told you so" with regards to my failed relationship. She said it wouldn't last the moment I told her that I was planning on moving to be with him. But I told her that I wanted to follow my heart for once, so she said fine. We didn't really talk since then. I knew she didn't approve but I felt like it was the best decision for me and for our [my future with him] future. She referred to two long distance relationships from her past. They both failed even though the guys had traveled long distances to see her. She apparently knew everything I was going through or would go through. Older sisters always know best right?

I don't understand why people feel the need to say "I told you so". I'm sure the person who is hurting already realizes their error in situation. They don't need anyone telling them, "well I saw it coming". I don't need someone telling me that. You should never kick someone when they're down. Having my sister of all people tell me that? Well it hurts. When I read what she wrote and when I had my friends tell me how I should have seen it coming... it hurts almost as badly as the heart break itself. Why don't people understand that they're not helping the situation, but rather making it worse? If anything, they should just shut their mouths and let me wallow in my own naive, self pity.

I'm lying in bed right now at my parent's house and the memories keep flooding back. I spent so many hours lying in this bed- on the phone with him. Every night I would call him or he would call me. I would snuggle up in bed and just talk to him. Regardless of how long I spent on the phone, it just never felt like enough. I miss it. I called to wish him a merry Christmas. He didn't answer. But I felt like I needed to do it. I know I'm supposed to let go and move on, but it doesn't feel right. I guess it can be my resolution. His birthday is coming up. I remember planning his gift to send him. It would have been perfect. I miss him so much.

Maybe things will be easier with the new year. Maybe I will finally get a year that accepts my desire to be blissfully happy. The past few years have chewed me up and spat me out- but I'm still standing. Although I have those battle scars with me, I know I will always continue on. If I don't need myself, there has to be someone else there who does.


Merry Christmas...or what's left of it.


P.S: i wished for him to love me again.

Christmas Eve Wishes

After everything I was able to experience these past few months, I sit here, alone on Christmas eve feeling...empty. This is one of my favorite holidays but this year, my heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't think the other members of my family did any Christmas shopping as a result of the freak snow storms but I did. I hope they like what I got them. I really only had one Christmas wish this year but I know it's not going to come true. But I can always dream- I've always been good at that. I know I'm going to be calling him tomorrow. It doesn't feel right not to...

I wish you all a very merry Christmas. May you, your families, and loved ones be blessed with many great memories, laughs and nothing but happiness. Set aside your differences and be happy. Be thankful. Love each other for what you have. This isn't about the materialistic things. It's about family, faith [hope] and having people accept you for who you are.



With love and warm wishes, Pop Tart

Childlike Innocence

Anyone who remotely knows me is well aware of the love I hold for children. I am still a child at heart. There is definitely a part of me that never wants to grow up completely. I hate thinking that there are some adults in the world who have given up on the simple things in life only to dive head first into a life that thrives on making money and being better than everyone else. What happens to that innocence we once all had? Well, I for one, never want to give that up. It is what creates who I am. Holding on to my innocence allows me to love and be as caring as I am today. And i wouldn't trade that for any amount of material success.

When I look at the world around me, I find myself feeling a bit nervous for the future. There is so much violence; so much corruption; and inequality in the world. It almost as though people have given up hope in the world's ability to become at peace with one another. Yeah, so I know the concept of world peace is all but a myth when people talk about it. But I'm one of the few who still believe that people really can do great things. I think this is where my ambition of working with underprivileged children stems from. I know that having a career in social work is not exactly a lucrative profession, but I know I would be so happy that I would be helping out kids who need help in their lives. To me, all children hold the hope we need for our future. They are the ones who will grow up and take on the jobs that we will give up in retirement. They are the ones who will change the ways of our society- at least they will if they are given the opportunities and are taught the errors of our past.

Children are brought into this world completely Brand new. They are oblivious to the wrongs of our society. They don't know violence or hate. They just know that they are brought into a new world. One that exists for them to make a mark on. The heart of a child cannot be measured. As far as they are concerned, they just want people to be happy. When I'm having a bad day, a kid's laughter will make all the difference. When I was taking child development classes in high school, my little buddies always knew when something was wrong. And when they picked up on it, they were always there to make it better because they "didn't want teacher Lien to be sad". There was a news report earlier this week about kids visiting Santa at the mall. Santa was interviewed and he mentioned that there were many kids who told him that all they wanted for Christmas was for him [Santa] to take their present and give it to a child who didn't have any presents. All this world needs is a bit of innocence and love.

There's just that je ne sais quoi about children that makes me believe that everything will really be okay. That there's hope for our future. That maybe someday, world peace wouldn't just be a laughable concept.

Split Personality

There have been many instances in my life where I have concluded that I needed to focus more of my life. I had to focus on being happy with who I am. I suppose everyone wants their life to be happy and perfect. They all wish to become successful with a beautiful house and a stylish car. Maybe some want to add a perfect significant other and 2.5 kids into the mix. There are a lot of people who maintain this description as a basis for their own goals in life, to be the societal definition of "successful" or "happy". But when I take the time to sit back and really look at my life, I realize it's nowhere near what I thought it would be.

I'm a 22 year old college student who hardly speaks to her family. Of all the friends I have in my life right now, I can see only a handful of them in my future. My older brother and I no longer speak to each other. My parents still think I'll be around forever. They don't have faith in my ability to make it in the world. I'm sheltered but dying to break out and start my life over. I'm damaged inside. I have built up more walls inside than any human should. I thrive on focusing on others rather than myself.

On the other hand, I should be almost done with college. I should be studying to be a Kindergarten teacher because that's been my dream for as long as I can remember. I should be accepted lovingly into my own family. My brother should be able to sit and hang out. I should be able to trust the people in my life and the people I will meet in the future. I shouldn't be afraid of loving someone. I should be able to understand that it's good to care for others but I need to give some time to myself. I shouldn't have the desire to abandon everything I know here for a new life.

I don't care about the materialistic things. I don't need a huge house or to be rich. I don't need to marry a doctor or a lawyer just because I need someone to provide for me. I just want to be content with my life.

I want to be able to hold my own in the world. I want to be happy. Happy in the sense that I can go to work every day loving my job. I want to be able to meet someone who will love me for all of my flaws and who will see me as being the forever they were looking for. I want to be able to raise children [both my own and adopted] in a safe and happy home. I want to be able to make a difference in the world.

There are so many things I want in my life but right now I feel like I'm failing. I'm not living the life I want and it's killing me inside. Why do I constantly feel like I have to live up to everyone's expectations of me? The one chance I took this year for myself ended in heartache. I guess that explains why I don't trust anyone, or myself for that matter. It's the conflict within myself that people are drawn to and then repulsed by. It's this reason that I lose the important people in myself. If I don't become stronger [or just better at hiding things] I will continue to lose the people who matter to me. Oddly enough, it's when I lose those people that I spiral back to what I used to be.

I guess this entry was just a prelude to my annual reflection before the new year. I have so much more battling to do with myself. What scares me the most is I don't know who will win- the past, weak Lien or the struggling dreamer Lien.

Set in stone.

I have decided that I am going to adopt a child once my life is stable enough to provide a happy, healthy, safe home. I have a lot of love to give and if I can help make someone's life easier and better than what they are exposed to now, than why not?

Frozen Inside...

Bleeding Love [Leona Lewis]

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep, keep bleeding
love...

Let go. Move on. Be strong [er].

Oregon is being hit with the third snow storm within the past week. I haven't seen snow like this in years. I was able to start and finish my Christmas shopping in a day and a half. That's the quickest I've ever done that! I ran my last errand last night and now the snow is falling. In fact, it hasn't stopped snowing since early this morning. I think we have 4+ inches out in front of my parent's house right now. Honestly as much as I hate being stuck inside, it is absolutely beautiful. I'm curled up with a blanket and a warm cup of tea watching the snow fall. I wish I had someone to share it with.

My mom had her outpatient surgery yesterday. She was a bit disoriented and drugged up when she came home yesterday but the pain wasn't too bad. She's a bit weak this morning and now we're waiting for the test results. Apparently she has four appointments with four different doctors. I'm so worried about her. I've never seen her so weak. My troubles seem so trite compared to everyone else.

I had a heart to heart talk with my former room mate. She understands me more than Bug does. And she definitely has a different perspective about my recent situation. It was refreshing to not hear any "I told you so's" or "I saw this coming so I'm not surprised". Hearing those things from my friends actually added to the hurt I was already feeling. I don't understand how Bug could say things like that when she's never even put herself out there to experience it for herself. It's frustrating but now I know what I can't talk to her about.

I wrote my last note to him. I haven't sent it yet because well, walking to my mailbox seems like a dangerous task at the moment. It's a birthday card and basically my good bye. I don't know if he'll bother to read it but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm thinking writing a good bye was more for myself than anything. I understand relationships not working out. It's unrealistic to believe that forever exists- regardless of the situation. Yes I love him. Yes I miss him. But it didn't work out. I know I need a lot of time to heal from this and I'm going to do what's best for me. But I always believed in needing a good bye. I don't like leaving loose ends because it leaves room for "what if's". As much as He claimed to love me, he robbed me of the opportunity to move on. So now I have to learn how to do it myself.

Maybe in the new year...

Revelations

I'm starting to go a little stir crazy now that I've been stuck in my parent's house for the past two days. The snow and ice are starting to get a little old- which says a lot coming from me. I absolutely love the snow but when it starts to become more of a problem than a beautiful, fun thing, well I'd rather it not. I have yet to start any of my Christmas shopping and I miss my friends. I miss being around people who understand who I am rather than people who treat me like who they want me to be. I love my parents but I know where I don't belong.

I've been keeping to myself a lot when it comes to what I've been thinking lately. The only thing that has been on my mind is Seth. But I realized a couple of weeks ago that it's not fair for me to dump all of my problems on my friends. I know they're always there to support me and help me through anything, but I still don't think it's fair. My friends have expressed how better off I am now that He and I broke up. Which is funny to me because we never really broke up. He abandoned me and I was left to pick up the pieces [of my own heart none the less]. Anyway, they all seem angrier than I am about the whole thing. I'm more hurt than anything but I guess I have a different way of thinking and dealing. I've been hurt before and it always took time for me to let go and realize maybe the end wasn't a result of my being worthless. I can already tell that this time around, it's a lot different. This is the first time I feel like I don't want to let go. He made everything so perfect and now I find myself a little lost. I'm constantly questioning everything about myself- from my own self worth to my ability [or lack thereof] to trust people.

As of this moment, my self worth is fairing better than my ability to trust. If I never allowed myself to trust him, I wouldn't be in this position. I would still have my heart intact. I wouldn't be constantly conflicted with "what if's". My life would be just like it has always been. It's been almost a month since the last time I heard from him. He told me to never live in the past. Deal with things and move on. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm letting go now. I have my memories; from everything you said to me to how you held me. That's enough for me. I still love you and it still hurts, but there's always tomorrow. If you can let go so easily, so can I. I'm strong willed. I'm going to focus on myself now. I'm going to focus on finishing school; finding a job outside of Oregon; enjoying life; and possibly finding someone who makes me want to trust again. Before anything, I have to relearn how to trust myself again. I need to believe in my own heart that I'm making the right decisions in life.

I have one more thing to do relating to him and then he's nothing but the past. If he wants to find me, he knows how to. At least for now. I am going to try my best to not speak his name anymore. To not bring him up in random conversations. It has to be this way. It has to be like he never existed in my life to begin with.

I hope I have the strength to pull this off. Otherwise, I don't know what's going to happen to me.

Bittersweet

Today would have been our three month anniversary. I guess the little ones never mattered to you, but it's all I have left. I'm still holding on but I'm so scared that you already let go.

Ice Smice.

One day behind schedule to leave Corvallis. Five + minutes of scraping ice and snow off my car- the same car I hadn't driven in two days. Three hours on the road while stuck in traffic later. Countless songs rocked out to. Choice amount of swear words expressed. Three ice slides later. Two moments of scary black ice fun. Numerous crap drivers along T.V highway. One neighborhood road paved in ice and a struggle to get into my driveway... I'm back in Beaverton for the next two weeks.

Oh and I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping. And it's supposed to snow and ice over...again tomorrow. Joy. I really hope I don't get snowed in. It wouldn't be so bad if I were in Corvallis but being stuck with my family is not something I want to happen. I can't wait for 2008 to end. I think it's time for me to forget about all the crap that's happened this year. Or really, just everything that has happened since August. I wish I could wipe it all from my memory because every day I find myself not being able to stop thinking about him.

Winter Wonderland

My sleeping habits have been declining lately. I haven't had a decent nights sleep since the end of last month. This allowed me to be awake when it started to snow the first time Saturday night/morning at around 4am. Peaceful. I got dressed and went outside for a bit. I love being outside when there aren't people around. For some reason it just puts my mind at ease.



I'm still in Corvallis because the roads are too icy to drive back to Portland. The snow was absolutely gorgeous last night and I was finally able to go on my snow walk. The bright side of staying in Corvallis during Winter break is that there are hardly any people here. The snow was practically untouched in some of the places we walked to. As much as people can bitch about the snow ruining their plans, I still love it. It reminds me to stop and breathe in everything that's happening around me. Granted my mind is constantly racing as of late, but for just a moment, my mind slowed down a bit. Christmas is coming up really soon. I was going to send him a present for Christmas and his birthday, but I don't think it's a good idea anymore. I think it's time to for me to cut my losses. Move on. I still love him. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. But there's nothing I can do. There's no point in breaking myself down anymore.

I would give anything to hear his voice again. To be able to talk to him while I watch the snow fall.

But I am thankful for having him in my life- even though it was just for a short time. Even though it ended so horribly. I'm still hurt but he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He will always be the first person I have ever loved, whole heartedly and completely. Memories last forever right?

Save me from Myself

Christina Aguilera - Save me from Myself

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changing
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with
Your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
From myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself


My love is tainted by your touch
Well some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm crying
'Cause when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smiling
You always save me from myself
From myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong
And don't ask me why I love you

It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

You have been there to talk me through fights with my parents and my brother, health issues, stressful days, and the days of low self esteem. You were there when I needed someone to listen to be vent about something. You cared- even if it were just for that moment. I trusted you to lend me your shoulder when I needed you. You trusted me to be the understanding ear you needed. Now that the term is over, I find myself plauged with how our relationship ended. I'm struggling to deal with my sister's declining health. My mom has been constantly sick- ever since her trip to the ER. Doctors keep running tests on her and they still don't know what's wrong. She is being tested for cancer this Friday. Apparently it's a three hour biopsy. Do you have any idea how scared I am? I need you so badly right now. I wish you were still with me. I know I would be able to find the strength for all of this if I knew you were still there for me. It's as though I've lost a bit of myself the moment you left.

Here's an idea

I have decided to stop wallowing in my own self pity. I get that I'm not someone who deserves [or is able] to be loved. I am going to devote my time, my life to making sure everyone else around me is taken care of. There are so many people in the world who live unfortunate lives while I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head and the ability to obtain a higher education. So why not use my life to help better another? My life ambition has always been to "save the world one child at a time". I have always felt that the children in the world are our future. If we don't give them a chance or rather, help them to become their full potential, than we're doing a disservice to ourselves in the process. There are so many children in the world who are struggling with issues in their lives, whether it's lack of food, money, or even violence. So why not help them? I plan on adopting a child in the future when I'm stable enough in my life...at least enough to guarantee that I will be able to provide them with all the opportunities they deserve. I plan on working with children in whatever field I choose for my professional career- either social work or school counseling. If I can somehow make a difference in the world, maybe I won't have to focus so much on finding a solution to my life.

He always wanted me to grow and be stronger. So here I am. I'm growing. It doesn't change how I feel about him. It doesn't change how devastatingly hurt I am right now. It doesn't change anything.

Painful Growth

It's the middle of the afternoon and I haven't called you yet. I did, however, send you a text this morning. Sorry. I slowly coming to terms with the fact that you no longer want anything to do with me anymore. What I thought was forever really was just a delusion. It was what I wanted and for some reason I guess I thought it was what you wanted as well. I'm sorry. I send you a letter this morning. Hopefully you even bother reading it. Actually, I don't know what you did with all the letters I have sent you. Are you going to keep them? I sincerely hope so. I guess I'm holding on to the far fetched idea of you actually writing me back someday. Which leads me to a confession: I have been writing letters to you every night for the past week. I don't know if I'll ever have the nerve to send them to you, but they would tell you everything that's been on my mind.



Sunset in Corvallis yesterday evening...it was gorgeous and absolutely more peaceful than where my mind is at.



I decided last night that I need something to keep my mind off of you. Photography it is. I always enjoyed it but now I think I need it. Maybe I can use it to capture the happiness of the people around me. Maybe I will have to live vicariously through others from now on. Yes. That sounds good enough for me....maybe.

I love you. I miss you. And it gets harder everyday.

Fading from memory.

I just realized that you deleted every picture we took together that night. You said you didn't like them. That we'd try to take better ones. You deleted all the proof of us together. I have nothing left to remember you by...and I'm struggling to hold on to you. Did you know this was going to happen? Did you know you were going to walk out of my life this way?

Remember when

I want to hold hands, go ice skating, and eat sugar plums.

It is supposed to snow this weekend. I'm excited but I really wish I could enjoy my favorite time of year with you.

I'm starting to realize that everything that has been happening between us may be for the better. At least for you. You always talked about being strong and making the right decisions in your life. Maybe this was your right decision. Maybe I was never right for you. It's ironic though. You always said I deserved the very best. You tried to break up with me before, telling me that I could find someone better for me. I responded by telling you that you were the perfect one for me. That I wanted no one else. I, on the other hand, believe that you deserve the best. And I'm not good enough for someone so strong and worthwhile. Maybe you finally saw where I was coming from.

There are a lot of things that I know I am. I'm sweet and sincere. I have a kind heart. I sacrifice myself for the people I care about. I want to change the world. But regardless of how many good things I am, I'm not strong. I care about what others think about me. I hold of to memories of those who hurt me. My self esteem is terrible because of my past. I honestly don't believe I'm good enough nor do I deserve good things to happen to me. I'm just common. You really deserve the best, Seth. You were an amazing boyfriend to me. Even though we fought, you always made sure I knew how much you loved me. You constantly told me how lucky you felt to have met me; how beautiful and sweet I was. You were the first one to say "I love you". You always gave me 100% of yourself as well as to our relationship. That meant the world to me. To know that I finally found someone I could trust and hold so dear to my heart. Someone I knew I could fully give myself to. I fell head over heels for you and I jumped blindly into our future. The one thing you said that I still think about to this day was: You told me that you just couldn't get enough of me.

It breaks my heart over and over again when I realize that you finally did get enough of me. When I see other couples of happy and in love, it tears me up inside. I don't need the grand gestures in life. I don't need the materialistic things other girls need. I don't need a ring. I need your words. I need to hear your voice and hear that you love me. I just want to be able to stand by your side through the good and the bad. I want to be able to be the one to hold your hand or to fall asleep next to you. I don't want to be me. I don't want you to be you. I want to be us.

You used to want all of those things. I just wish you still did.

What happened to forever?

I'd rather dream forever.

Not a second goes by that I don't think of you.


I woke up this morning hoping you were next to me. My bed feels emptier than usual. I checked my phone hoping I received one of those sweet "good morning" text messages. My phone is a lot quieter lately. I still want to call you when I'm home from class. I still glance at the clock every night at 9pm, thinking it's time for our nightly chats. I remember how I used to start my day and how I ended it- with you. Those were the best moments of my day.

I honestly thought if I was the first one to call you in the morning to wish you a good day, you'd realize how much you mean to me. I guess 2:30am my time isn't a huge sacrifice. I hope you don't hate me for doing that. I guess you don't because you don't ignore my calls...they just ring and ring... I just want you to know that I love you and that I still care for you. Always. I miss you and my heart is still with you. I don't like my life without you in it.

You're breaking me....

Fall term is done and over with. I'm ready for Winter term. I need something to keep me busy to keep my mind off of things. This doesn't get easier with time. I don't know what people are talking about. I finished my last final today at 4pm. I was so excited. Want to know the first thing I did? I called him. He obviously didn't pick up the phone, but I left a voice mail telling him that I love him and that I'm done with finals. It's what I would have done if things were still the same. Except I'm sure he would have answered if things really were the way they used to be. My mind tells me to call and tell him about my day and then I realize that my heart is telling me that he's not there anymore.


And every time that happens...I realize that I can literally feel myself dying a little inside. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I used to believe I was tough; that I could handle anything that came my way. I have my friends to support me, but for some reason, I already know this isn't going to end well. I'm weak. I'm emotional. I'm giving up. This isn't a battle my friends can help me with. They can't comfort me. They can't tell me that I deserve better. This is just me. Alone. Just another reminder that one more person decided he didn't need me. He didn't want me. The only difference is this time around, the person who decided all of this is the one person I would give anything and everything to be with.

I wish I could just stop caring. I wish I could be numb. I wish....it doesn't matter what I wish. My wishes never come true. I'm not that person. And I don't deserve it.

Finals

So....Today is the day that a whole term's worth of information is supposed to be sucked out of my brain. Yay for finals. I don't feel completely ready for them, but what can you do. I just couldn't concentrate long enough to study I guess. Damn heartbreak.

I know what you're thinking- I should really just get over it. Move on. Find someone else. Well, easier said then done.

Time to get ready for class but at least after today I'll be done with school for a month. Then it's off to spend a MONTH with my family. It's sad that I won't have him to talk to during that time....Who is going to keep me sane?

I promise to write a better post after I get back today...

Yeah Huh...

You always loved it when I said that. Apparently you thought it was adorable. I say it a lot now, especially now that you're not here. I can't stop talking about you. I bring you up in conversation a lot. It's all good things, I promise.

So basically I'm lying in bed right now, refusing to get up. I feel warm and safe. I feel as though the moment I place my feet on the ground, reality will set in. I miss Seth Why would I want to do that to myself? At least at this moment, I could just be dreaming that he's not with me anymore. Reality is not where I want to be right now. This is the ninth day...

I have decided that I'm not going to let him go. There's nothing I can do about it, but I honestly have faith that he won't truly let me go either. Maybe it will work out like it does in my [delusional] mind. I'm not ready to say good bye to him. But the ball is in his court.

I'm not single. We're just in an extremely, overly complicated...situation. I'm not going to date or go out looking for someone. I'm here for him. At least until reality sinks in. This is his decision. This is my passive method of dealing with this. This is my method of continuing the fight.

The first thing I thought of this morning was to call him. So I did. I fail at the whole breaking contact thing. I told him that I was really worried about him and that I love and miss him. Please call me back. Don't I deserve some peace of mind?

Shit, finals are not going to be horrible. Both finals on Monday. They're both scheduled one after the other. I'm worried about my psychology final. There are so many disorders and symptoms to remember. Oh and the treatments! I'm so stressed out. I can't even focus long enough to get anything done. I miss him more each day.

For Seth.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. It's no one's business. I must have brought this on myself. How could I be so naive? I'm emotional and weak. I can't stop thinking about us and where we are now. I can't stop crying. The sobs come so hard sometimes, I can't seem to catch my breath. I gasp for air and I realize, I really am alone now. There isn't anyone out there who can help me with this. I suppose he could, but I don't think it's ever going to happen. I always thought he would be the one I could run to when things were tough. Did you know I called you so many times because my sister was in the hospital? I had no one else to turn to. I needed to hear your voice and to have you comfort me. I needed you to understand how scared I was for her. I needed you to be there for me.

He won't answer my calls. He won't reply to my text messages. He wants nothing to do with me. It's like I don't exist in his life anymore. It's as though I never mattered.

I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where our relationship went wrong. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know how we can go from being so happily in love to where we are now. How could you ignore my phone calls? How could you ignore my messages that asked if you were alright? Did you have any idea how worried I was? How could you get on that plane without saying good bye to me? How could you not call me on my birthday? How could you stand me up on the fourth? Did you know I sat at home, waiting for you? I finished everything for school like you told me to. I changed into an outfit I thought you would like. I smelled the way you said you liked me to. I honestly thought you would show up. That you would everything better again. I honestly thought you cared about me. That was the night my world crashed down around me. That was the night where I suddenly realized that it was all a game. I hope you got what you wanted. Because all I got was the worst birthday in my entire life.

He honestly means the world to me still and I suppose that's why this hurts to badly. It makes me question myself about whether or not I'm actually worth being loved. I can't stop thinking about him. My mind constantly flashes back to the few moments we were able to spend together. I remember the sweet things he said to me. I remember how my hand fit perfectly with his. I remember how excited I get every time I think about him, talk to him, or even when I was about to see him for the first time in two months. I've never felt butterflies in my stomach like I did with him. I remember how it felt when he held me close. I remember smiling when I looked over and realized that he really was sleeping next to me. He was really with me. I remember how I felt when he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. I believed him. I believed it with everything I have in me. I have never loved anyone like this before and it hurts.

I remember the last phone conversation I had with him. It was short- about nine minutes long. I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back. He said he wouldn't say it back. I remember my stomach tying up in knots. I should have known something was wrong. That was the last time I heard from him. I think it will be the last time I'll ever hear from him.

I have always had a hard time trusting people but when it came to him, I gave him my heart. I trusted him with everything- my dreams, ambitions, and secrets- even my past. I trusted him with my future. I never thought he would hurt me. I believed he loved me. I allowed myself to trust. I allowed myself to fall deeply in love with him. I believe that he was the one for me. I still believe that.

I remember our future together. He wanted to marry me. He said I was his favorite- that he loved me more than anything. He said we were complete opposites and that's what made us work. He thought I was perfect. But alas, I'm not. And I guess he saw it in me. I want to marry him. I want to be there to take care of him. To listen to him rant when he has a bad day. I love him more than anything. He made me a better person. A stronger person. We were going to move in together when he gets back. I was aiming for a move late next summer. I looked up colleges over there to finish my degree. I looked up the process of transferring and learned about where we were going to live. I picked up extra credits to rush my schooling along. I told the people closest to me that I was going to move. It was done. I love him that much. I would pick up and leave everything I know behind me if it meant I could be with him forever.

I always maintain that you don't deserve anything in life if you don't fight for it. I have fought for him. I have fought for us. I want nothing more than to be able to be his forever. To be by his side forever. To be together forever. But I guess it wasn't enough. I have called him everyday since he got to Oregon. I've sent him text messages everyday. I have told him I love him. I have asked him to call me. I have done everything I could possibly do. But it's not good enough.

Old habits die hard though. I need to stop calling him. I need to stop sending text messages to him. He doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. So why can't I stop doing these things? Every time my phone goes off, my heart skips a beat, thinking it's him. It never is. I don't want to be the "crazy ex girlfriend" who suddenly turns stalker like. I just want to understand. I don't like my life without him in it. But there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish you could have just told me you didn't want to be with me anymore. Why didn't you? Why did you bother sleeping with me? I guess this is the hint you want me to take. So I'm done. This is my good bye.

So this is it. Seth Daniel Miller. The love of my life. The one I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The one who taught me that my life is mine to live and that I deserve everything I want [or so I thought]. I love you with my whole heart. I love you with all of my flaws and all of yours. I appreciate all the good you brought to my life. For once in my life, I felt as though I was worth something. I finally felt unconditionally loved. Thank you for that. Thank you for being one of the best things to ever happen to me. I admit I feel completely hurt now but you will always be my first love. I respect your decision. If you really feel like you're better off without me- then I can't do anything to change your mind about that. I wish you the best with your life. Please, PLEASE take care of yourself. Be safe. Be happy. Be who you know you are. Be the amazing guy I know you are capable of. I hope you do find that one girl who will change your life and treat you well. Someone who will go grocery shopping for you and make sure you eat healthy, home cooked meals. I know you like drinking, but try not to drink so much. You get angry and those shakes you get, they aren't good. I hope she makes sure you get enough sleep as well. It really is important. Really. I will always love you...Regardless of how I feel now.

I finally was able to know how it felt to love someone...and now I hope to never feel this way again. Never do I want to feel this rejection. This abandonment. Never again do I want to allow anyone the possibility of breaking whatever heart I have left. I don't want to let anyone get this close to me...ever again. I'm done. I'm done gasping for breath. I'm done breaking down in tears. It's pointless. Now that I understand love, I'm done.

My first love broke my heart. [Remember when I told you that you were the best boyfriend ever? You said that you would be my last boyfriend. I wouldn't need anyone else after you. I see where you were going with that now. I don't have any desire to date anyone again. What's the point?] I'm defeated. Love is a battle I will never win. And with that I surrender.

And with the last tears I hope to cry for you...Good bye Seth. Thank you for loving me. And for breaking my heart.

Just like that.

7 days. He's gone. I can feel it.

Love- just a figment of my imagination

I feel as though I never really had it to begin with. My heart aches and the tears come, but the space next to me is empty. My hand feels incomplete without his to hold it. Tonight was supposed to be amazing. It was supposed to be our night. And I can't do anything but sit here, feeling abandoned and broken. If this is what losing my other half feels like, than I am thankful I had a chance to have my other half to begin with

I never thought this would us.

It's my birthday!

It's my birthday. I'm officially 22 now. I've received countless well wishes, a balloon, cupcakes, and even a hug. But all I wanted was to hear from my boyfriend. The love of my life. My everything. And...well, let's just say I haven't.

All I want to know is that he's okay...and maybe that he still loves me.

I'm starting to get a little excited about celebrating tonight. Regardless of how bad things may be right now, I am determined to make it a decent birthday.


I need to prepare for my french final now. =] Wish me luck!


and since seth is the only one that reads this... I love you baby, please be okay. <3

Birthday eve

The one thing i wished for my birthday came true- he came back.
The problem? He's not with me. I was driving today and I found myself breaking down in tears. It hurts so badly...


I don't even want to celebrate my birthday anymore. He was all I wanted...

Unbearable.

What did I do wrong?

My mind won't stop racing.

My heart hurts.

I don't understand...

I don't even know if he's okay...


3 days...