Forever and then some

I often find myself thinking about my life and how I got to where I am. Lately, the focus has been more on the relationship aspect of my life. I look around me and I constantly see couples who are either seriously invovled, engaged or already married. I cannot help but think about how close I was to having all of that. But then I snap back to reality and realize that it would not end with a happily ever after. But that just makes me think I failed, yet again.

Ideallly I would still be engaged. He and I would get married and everything would work out. We would stay in love and grow old together. We would support each other in anything and everything we decide to do. But I know that would not happen if I had stayed with him. But my heart just wants it SO badly. When I think about what I want in a future significant other and or spouse, I honestly do not think I am asking for too much. Is it wrong to just want someone to love me for me? For all the good and the bad? To want someone to continuously support me and want to work through things when they get bad? Is it wrong to want to be able to find someone who will want to grow old with me as much as I want to with them? I am not asking for materialistic things. I am just asking for acceptance. Growth. Motivation. I want someone who will fight for what they want in life. Be motivated to work towards something- anything.

I guess this is the best time and place to be honest- if there is ever such a thing. I am so scared that I will end up alone. I realize that I will always have my family and a select few friends, but I honestly do fear never finding someone to romantically love me and accept me for the rest of my life. I am not saying that I have completely given up, but I honstly am losing hope. I would not say things have been going my way with regards to the people I date. I do not know if I trust too easily or if I choose to ignore the bad because I want that love and acceptance SO badly. Do I settle? Is that why this is constanly happening?

This fear of mine...it seems as though it is tied directly with why I started online dating. There is someting about being able to emotionally and mentally connect with someone through talking and exchanging messages. I believe that it gives two people the opportunity to really know the ins and outs of the person. That is how I feel about JN. I truly believe he knows me. We have never met but we connected over something more. I am not disregarding that a physical connection is important, but I do not think it is the most important part. For instance, there could be the most goregous girl but with the intellect of a gold fish. What happens then? Perhaps someday when JN and I meet, things will just end there. I do not think too highly of my appearance, so that is what I think.

But at this moment in time, as much as I would like to see how he and I might play out, I do not have that opportunity. The distance is too great, apparently. But really, is it fair that I have to have my mind focused on him? I cannot get him off my mind even though he has no obligation to me. I just want my chance. What if we are meant to be together? Is distance really going to keep us apart?

I guess so...especially considering the situation.