You're breaking me....

Fall term is done and over with. I'm ready for Winter term. I need something to keep me busy to keep my mind off of things. This doesn't get easier with time. I don't know what people are talking about. I finished my last final today at 4pm. I was so excited. Want to know the first thing I did? I called him. He obviously didn't pick up the phone, but I left a voice mail telling him that I love him and that I'm done with finals. It's what I would have done if things were still the same. Except I'm sure he would have answered if things really were the way they used to be. My mind tells me to call and tell him about my day and then I realize that my heart is telling me that he's not there anymore.


And every time that happens...I realize that I can literally feel myself dying a little inside. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I used to believe I was tough; that I could handle anything that came my way. I have my friends to support me, but for some reason, I already know this isn't going to end well. I'm weak. I'm emotional. I'm giving up. This isn't a battle my friends can help me with. They can't comfort me. They can't tell me that I deserve better. This is just me. Alone. Just another reminder that one more person decided he didn't need me. He didn't want me. The only difference is this time around, the person who decided all of this is the one person I would give anything and everything to be with.

I wish I could just stop caring. I wish I could be numb. I wish....it doesn't matter what I wish. My wishes never come true. I'm not that person. And I don't deserve it.