It was yesterday when I realized I have never decorated a Christmas tree. I have never placed an ornament on one. My parents never let me believe in Santa Claus. I feel like I've been robbed of some of the innocence I should have had. Even though my parents never told me about Santa and played into the whole teaching me the existence of him, I came to the conclusion on my own. Everyone else believed, so why couldn't I? I remember one Christmas eve, I tip toed out into the living room. My mom had allowed me to decorate this fake tree [no, not a Christmas tree] with lights. I plugged them in and I remember trying to pray to Santa- thinking he could hear me. I wanted an actual Christmas. One that was happy-like what my friends had. My wish never came true. And it was then that I decided Santa was a fraud. I was 5 years old. Now that I'm 22, I have to confess that a tiny part of me still wants to believe. I want to believe that there's magic out there.
Last night before going to bed, I sat by my window and looked at the snow and the lights of the neighborhood. I felt my eyes welling up with tears and I spoke to Santa. I told him I had two wishes. Two miracles that I wished to happen more than anything. I wished him for the good health of everyone in my life and for one other thing. I won't disclose the other wish, mainly because I know it's unrealistic. Well, unrealistic in my own cynical eyes. Maybe I will add it later...
The loud "wind chime" sound feature went off on my phone all morning, waking me up from my restless sleep. My friends were sending their mass text messages wishing everyone a merry Christmas. I stayed in bed thinking about how just about a month ago, things used to be so different. My family and I spent less than ten minutes opening presents this morning. It made me feel a bit better seeing that my parents enjoyed the gifts I got them. My brother told me "thank you". Less than ten minutes was the most amount of time the entire family has spent together since I've been home for winter break. Less than ten minutes in over a week. How's that for coming home for the holidays? My brother and I still aren't speaking but we did exchange gifts. I got him a gift card to Best Buy. He gave me cash- for both my birthday and for Christmas, I'm assuming. I really didn't need a present from him. It would have meant so much more to me if he had called me to wish me a happy birthday. Keep in mind that my birthday was on the 3rd. I wish that even if it was just for today, my family would feel like a family again.
I don't doubt that my family loves me. But their love isn't warm and comforting. It's cold and forced.
It snowed a bit this afternoon but I realized that something I used to love so much really just makes me feel empty inside now. It isn't normal for someone to feel lonely and empty when they are in the same house as their family. I have always felt this way but I guess the feeling has increased as I grow older. Things won't be like this when I have children. They will always be welcomed into a warm, loving home. The holidays will mean something. They will get to experience the lights and decorations. We will have our own traditions. Christmas won't just be that holiday where you spend money on gifts. It will be another day in the year where my kids will want to come home because that's where their heart lies. We would be the picture perfect family Hallmark advertises.
Michelle left me a comment on my other journal last night. I had written the entry awhile ago and I was convinced that she didn't read [my journal] anymore. I wonder if my brother still reads it... Anyway, she basically told me "I told you so" with regards to my failed relationship. She said it wouldn't last the moment I told her that I was planning on moving to be with him. But I told her that I wanted to follow my heart for once, so she said fine. We didn't really talk since then. I knew she didn't approve but I felt like it was the best decision for me and for our [my future with him] future. She referred to two long distance relationships from her past. They both failed even though the guys had traveled long distances to see her. She apparently knew everything I was going through or would go through. Older sisters always know best right?
I don't understand why people feel the need to say "I told you so". I'm sure the person who is hurting already realizes their error in situation. They don't need anyone telling them, "well I saw it coming". I don't need someone telling me that. You should never kick someone when they're down. Having my sister of all people tell me that? Well it hurts. When I read what she wrote and when I had my friends tell me how I should have seen it coming... it hurts almost as badly as the heart break itself. Why don't people understand that they're not helping the situation, but rather making it worse? If anything, they should just shut their mouths and let me wallow in my own naive, self pity.
I'm lying in bed right now at my parent's house and the memories keep flooding back. I spent so many hours lying in this bed- on the phone with him. Every night I would call him or he would call me. I would snuggle up in bed and just talk to him. Regardless of how long I spent on the phone, it just never felt like enough. I miss it. I called to wish him a merry Christmas. He didn't answer. But I felt like I needed to do it. I know I'm supposed to let go and move on, but it doesn't feel right. I guess it can be my resolution. His birthday is coming up. I remember planning his gift to send him. It would have been perfect. I miss him so much.
Maybe things will be easier with the new year. Maybe I will finally get a year that accepts my desire to be blissfully happy. The past few years have chewed me up and spat me out- but I'm still standing. Although I have those battle scars with me, I know I will always continue on. If I don't need myself, there has to be someone else there who does.
Merry Christmas...or what's left of it.
P.S: i wished for him to love me again.
