Split Personality

There have been many instances in my life where I have concluded that I needed to focus more of my life. I had to focus on being happy with who I am. I suppose everyone wants their life to be happy and perfect. They all wish to become successful with a beautiful house and a stylish car. Maybe some want to add a perfect significant other and 2.5 kids into the mix. There are a lot of people who maintain this description as a basis for their own goals in life, to be the societal definition of "successful" or "happy". But when I take the time to sit back and really look at my life, I realize it's nowhere near what I thought it would be.

I'm a 22 year old college student who hardly speaks to her family. Of all the friends I have in my life right now, I can see only a handful of them in my future. My older brother and I no longer speak to each other. My parents still think I'll be around forever. They don't have faith in my ability to make it in the world. I'm sheltered but dying to break out and start my life over. I'm damaged inside. I have built up more walls inside than any human should. I thrive on focusing on others rather than myself.

On the other hand, I should be almost done with college. I should be studying to be a Kindergarten teacher because that's been my dream for as long as I can remember. I should be accepted lovingly into my own family. My brother should be able to sit and hang out. I should be able to trust the people in my life and the people I will meet in the future. I shouldn't be afraid of loving someone. I should be able to understand that it's good to care for others but I need to give some time to myself. I shouldn't have the desire to abandon everything I know here for a new life.

I don't care about the materialistic things. I don't need a huge house or to be rich. I don't need to marry a doctor or a lawyer just because I need someone to provide for me. I just want to be content with my life.

I want to be able to hold my own in the world. I want to be happy. Happy in the sense that I can go to work every day loving my job. I want to be able to meet someone who will love me for all of my flaws and who will see me as being the forever they were looking for. I want to be able to raise children [both my own and adopted] in a safe and happy home. I want to be able to make a difference in the world.

There are so many things I want in my life but right now I feel like I'm failing. I'm not living the life I want and it's killing me inside. Why do I constantly feel like I have to live up to everyone's expectations of me? The one chance I took this year for myself ended in heartache. I guess that explains why I don't trust anyone, or myself for that matter. It's the conflict within myself that people are drawn to and then repulsed by. It's this reason that I lose the important people in myself. If I don't become stronger [or just better at hiding things] I will continue to lose the people who matter to me. Oddly enough, it's when I lose those people that I spiral back to what I used to be.

I guess this entry was just a prelude to my annual reflection before the new year. I have so much more battling to do with myself. What scares me the most is I don't know who will win- the past, weak Lien or the struggling dreamer Lien.