2008, get the hell out of here.

2008 was supposed to be the year for me. And I suppose in a way, it was. I have experienced a lot within the past 12 months- more than I wanted to. With each passing year, I grow older and experience things that change who I am. I feel as though I'm one step closer to finally figuring out who I am meant to be even though it never gets any easier.


Family: Writing about my family is not one of my favorite things. Family is supposed to be something you're born with. They are the people who bring you into the world and help shape the person you are- at least until you go out into the real world on your own. My brother is graduated from OSU this year and then moved back in with my parents. I now live in Corvallis without worrying about my brother watching my every move. I don't make many trips back to see my family because I feel like an outsider when I'm there. My brother and I haven't spoken more than three sentences to each other since August. The only thing we have in common now are memories and our parents. I have been home for Winter Break for about two weeks now and he can't even look me in the eye. The idea of this being my family tears me up inside. I would give anything to have a family that actually feels warm and loving. I don't doubt my family loves me, but the love is cold and forced. There's a difference in how it feels to me and the more time I spend around them, the more left out I feel. I have mentioned how I feel to my mom but she doesn't understand. To her, family is blood. That's all that matters. I'm growing away from them and I'm slowly coming to terms with it. I plan on leaving when I'm finished with school. I will be the daughter who holds the strained relationship with her family. My children will know them but it's only because they have the right to.

The relationship I have with my sisters are slowly becoming strained. I can feel it. We go months without talking to each other and when something important happens, I'm always the last to know. As left out as I may feel, it doesn't change how much I love them. They are my family. I love Vy for her honest heart. She's sincere and sweet. Loving and intelligent. She cares about the people in her life with so much...heart than I ever knew possible. She makes me feel as though I actually do right with my life. I love Michelle for her inner strength. She has gone through so much with her health these past few years. Regardless of what is thrown at her, she always has a smile on her face. She's a child at heart and loves her family. She is protective and forgiving. The two of them are the ones who got me through the toughest times- especially when I had nowhere else to turn to. They will always be bonded to me through heart.

School: I realized this year that I have grown to dislike school with a passion. I remember how excited I was to start kindergarten. How excited I was start each new school. But as I grow older, the forced learned is starting to take its toll on me. I'm not graduating this year and quite frankly, I'm mad at myself for it. It's my own fault that I slacked off. So now it's time to buckle down. I'll be taking classes every term [fall, winter, spring, summer, repeat] until I am done. I'm a psychology major and a sociology minor. I have a passion for working with children. I still don't know what field I want to go into, but I'm thinking more about becoming a social worker. The prospect of grad school has started to creep into my thoughts lately. As much as I hate the idea of more school, I know that I could find something useful in being a family therapist. My parents wanted me to study science and have a career in the medical field but my heart was never in it. I'm glad I finally took a stand and changed the direction of my life to something that would make me happy.


Friends: My friends have always been the most important people in my life. I know there aren't many people who understand why my friends are more important to me than my own family, but that just means they don't understand me. The people I choose to surround myself with are people I believe I can trust. People who tolerate me and my crazy antics. They are the people who are not allowed to judge me, for whatever reason. They are supposed to accept me for who I choose to be and the decisions I make. I have started to see some of my friendships in a new light. There are some people who I can't see in my future anymore. I can't pinpoint when this happened but I want to avoid a major blow out. As distant as we are now, I'm sure they won't bother to notice. This past year has been free of drama. I lost a few people who I thought were my true friends. It turns out people grow apart over time and the things you once had in common aren't strong enough to hold friendships together anymore. I'm becoming more aware of the unrealistic nature of believing people can be friends forever. College is only a small part of life and it's starting to reach its end. The people who have stuck with me through thick and thin are still here. They have never judged. They have never said "I told you so", even when it was obvious. They understood when I made mistakes and they knew I had to make them for myself. The people who will remain in my life are the ones who choose to support than to belittle. They don't hate. They embrace me and our friendship. They don't make quick judgments when I'm hurting. They approach situations with tact. They support me when I need it, but trust that I can remain strong and standing on my own.

Love: This was the first year I actually felt like I was starting to find myself with relationships. Bobby never came back into my life. I met Robert at the end of December 2007 and we struck up a friends with benefits relationship that lasted up until mid summer 2008. I understood the peramiters of our relationship but I started to grow attached to him. He should have realized that treating me like a girlfriend would harm me in the end. But then again, I should have too. He and I no longer speak to each other. I dated JP for awhile- roughly a month. We had a date in Corvallis and he was a sweet guy. Then he started to creep me out. He always had to know where I was and what I was doing. He would constantly call, text, and leave lengthy voice mails. I told him I needed some space because I was starting to feel smothered and he gave me a day at the most. This led to many heated arguments and then my friend told him to leave me alone. I dated David for two weeks. I thought things were going well and then one day he was suddenly in a relationship with someone else. It was as though I never existed in his life. For some reason I have a tendency to meet guys who date me but really they just want to play the game. Then they disappear. I don't trust guys anymore. There's no reason to. The second I let myself trust someone, they prove to me why I shouldn't.

The most important relationship I had was with Seth. After everything that has happened, I can honestly say that I am so glad I met him. I'm so glad I fell in love with him. I'm still hurting but I wouldn't trade these memories for anything in the world. I have spent so much of my life fearing that I would never fall in love or that no one would ever love me. But he did. I really believe that. I believe he wasn't playing the game. Any way I think of it, there was no gain for him to be in a long distance relationship. He sacrificed just as much as I did. Regardless of how much I want to believe in happily ever after, I also am a realist. I know that some things really have to come to end, so I choose to accept that. I choose to believe that he made this decision because he thought it was the right thing to do. He always wanted to protect me...but this time, I don't know what he's protecting me from. For the short amount of time I was with him, he made me feel like I could walk on water. He made me feel like I was beautiful, even with all of my flaws. He reminded me of how strong I really am. He showed me that even if I don't look and act exactly like my parents want me to, I can still be happy. He allowed me the privilege of falling in love. My friends hate him, but I can never. I still love him with my whole heart and I miss him so badly it hurts inside. He always told me that I need to let go of my past and now he's part of it. And I need to let him go.

The cynicism I have towards relationships and love is further increasing with each day. I am NOT looking for a new boyfriend. I don't want anyone to promise me forever. I don't trust. This is something I will have to continue to work on in the future....and for the rest of my life.


the new year: I have never been good at keeping resolutions that I have made in the past. There is so much pressure to achieve them that I tend to give up. These annual reflections are written to remind me of how much I've grown in the past years. I am not the same person I was back in high school. I'm stronger- mentally, physically, and emotionally. I live more for myself than for anyone else. For the year 2009, I strive to break out of my shell. Enough with being scared of what people think. If you don't approve of something I say or do, who cares? This is now, and chances are, I won't know you a year or two from now. Enough with worrying about how my parents feel about something. Enough with throwing myself a pity party because Seth doesn't love me. I need to be healthy. I will lose weight. I will finish school. I will surround myself with people who are good for me. I will not let people walk all over me anymore.

I am going to live this year for me, myself and I because I will never leave.


p.s: blazers beat the celtics tonight. how amazing <3