For Seth.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. It's no one's business. I must have brought this on myself. How could I be so naive? I'm emotional and weak. I can't stop thinking about us and where we are now. I can't stop crying. The sobs come so hard sometimes, I can't seem to catch my breath. I gasp for air and I realize, I really am alone now. There isn't anyone out there who can help me with this. I suppose he could, but I don't think it's ever going to happen. I always thought he would be the one I could run to when things were tough. Did you know I called you so many times because my sister was in the hospital? I had no one else to turn to. I needed to hear your voice and to have you comfort me. I needed you to understand how scared I was for her. I needed you to be there for me.

He won't answer my calls. He won't reply to my text messages. He wants nothing to do with me. It's like I don't exist in his life anymore. It's as though I never mattered.

I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where our relationship went wrong. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know how we can go from being so happily in love to where we are now. How could you ignore my phone calls? How could you ignore my messages that asked if you were alright? Did you have any idea how worried I was? How could you get on that plane without saying good bye to me? How could you not call me on my birthday? How could you stand me up on the fourth? Did you know I sat at home, waiting for you? I finished everything for school like you told me to. I changed into an outfit I thought you would like. I smelled the way you said you liked me to. I honestly thought you would show up. That you would everything better again. I honestly thought you cared about me. That was the night my world crashed down around me. That was the night where I suddenly realized that it was all a game. I hope you got what you wanted. Because all I got was the worst birthday in my entire life.

He honestly means the world to me still and I suppose that's why this hurts to badly. It makes me question myself about whether or not I'm actually worth being loved. I can't stop thinking about him. My mind constantly flashes back to the few moments we were able to spend together. I remember the sweet things he said to me. I remember how my hand fit perfectly with his. I remember how excited I get every time I think about him, talk to him, or even when I was about to see him for the first time in two months. I've never felt butterflies in my stomach like I did with him. I remember how it felt when he held me close. I remember smiling when I looked over and realized that he really was sleeping next to me. He was really with me. I remember how I felt when he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. I believed him. I believed it with everything I have in me. I have never loved anyone like this before and it hurts.

I remember the last phone conversation I had with him. It was short- about nine minutes long. I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back. He said he wouldn't say it back. I remember my stomach tying up in knots. I should have known something was wrong. That was the last time I heard from him. I think it will be the last time I'll ever hear from him.

I have always had a hard time trusting people but when it came to him, I gave him my heart. I trusted him with everything- my dreams, ambitions, and secrets- even my past. I trusted him with my future. I never thought he would hurt me. I believed he loved me. I allowed myself to trust. I allowed myself to fall deeply in love with him. I believe that he was the one for me. I still believe that.

I remember our future together. He wanted to marry me. He said I was his favorite- that he loved me more than anything. He said we were complete opposites and that's what made us work. He thought I was perfect. But alas, I'm not. And I guess he saw it in me. I want to marry him. I want to be there to take care of him. To listen to him rant when he has a bad day. I love him more than anything. He made me a better person. A stronger person. We were going to move in together when he gets back. I was aiming for a move late next summer. I looked up colleges over there to finish my degree. I looked up the process of transferring and learned about where we were going to live. I picked up extra credits to rush my schooling along. I told the people closest to me that I was going to move. It was done. I love him that much. I would pick up and leave everything I know behind me if it meant I could be with him forever.

I always maintain that you don't deserve anything in life if you don't fight for it. I have fought for him. I have fought for us. I want nothing more than to be able to be his forever. To be by his side forever. To be together forever. But I guess it wasn't enough. I have called him everyday since he got to Oregon. I've sent him text messages everyday. I have told him I love him. I have asked him to call me. I have done everything I could possibly do. But it's not good enough.

Old habits die hard though. I need to stop calling him. I need to stop sending text messages to him. He doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. So why can't I stop doing these things? Every time my phone goes off, my heart skips a beat, thinking it's him. It never is. I don't want to be the "crazy ex girlfriend" who suddenly turns stalker like. I just want to understand. I don't like my life without him in it. But there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish you could have just told me you didn't want to be with me anymore. Why didn't you? Why did you bother sleeping with me? I guess this is the hint you want me to take. So I'm done. This is my good bye.

So this is it. Seth Daniel Miller. The love of my life. The one I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The one who taught me that my life is mine to live and that I deserve everything I want [or so I thought]. I love you with my whole heart. I love you with all of my flaws and all of yours. I appreciate all the good you brought to my life. For once in my life, I felt as though I was worth something. I finally felt unconditionally loved. Thank you for that. Thank you for being one of the best things to ever happen to me. I admit I feel completely hurt now but you will always be my first love. I respect your decision. If you really feel like you're better off without me- then I can't do anything to change your mind about that. I wish you the best with your life. Please, PLEASE take care of yourself. Be safe. Be happy. Be who you know you are. Be the amazing guy I know you are capable of. I hope you do find that one girl who will change your life and treat you well. Someone who will go grocery shopping for you and make sure you eat healthy, home cooked meals. I know you like drinking, but try not to drink so much. You get angry and those shakes you get, they aren't good. I hope she makes sure you get enough sleep as well. It really is important. Really. I will always love you...Regardless of how I feel now.

I finally was able to know how it felt to love someone...and now I hope to never feel this way again. Never do I want to feel this rejection. This abandonment. Never again do I want to allow anyone the possibility of breaking whatever heart I have left. I don't want to let anyone get this close to me...ever again. I'm done. I'm done gasping for breath. I'm done breaking down in tears. It's pointless. Now that I understand love, I'm done.

My first love broke my heart. [Remember when I told you that you were the best boyfriend ever? You said that you would be my last boyfriend. I wouldn't need anyone else after you. I see where you were going with that now. I don't have any desire to date anyone again. What's the point?] I'm defeated. Love is a battle I will never win. And with that I surrender.

And with the last tears I hope to cry for you...Good bye Seth. Thank you for loving me. And for breaking my heart.