Revelations

I'm starting to go a little stir crazy now that I've been stuck in my parent's house for the past two days. The snow and ice are starting to get a little old- which says a lot coming from me. I absolutely love the snow but when it starts to become more of a problem than a beautiful, fun thing, well I'd rather it not. I have yet to start any of my Christmas shopping and I miss my friends. I miss being around people who understand who I am rather than people who treat me like who they want me to be. I love my parents but I know where I don't belong.

I've been keeping to myself a lot when it comes to what I've been thinking lately. The only thing that has been on my mind is Seth. But I realized a couple of weeks ago that it's not fair for me to dump all of my problems on my friends. I know they're always there to support me and help me through anything, but I still don't think it's fair. My friends have expressed how better off I am now that He and I broke up. Which is funny to me because we never really broke up. He abandoned me and I was left to pick up the pieces [of my own heart none the less]. Anyway, they all seem angrier than I am about the whole thing. I'm more hurt than anything but I guess I have a different way of thinking and dealing. I've been hurt before and it always took time for me to let go and realize maybe the end wasn't a result of my being worthless. I can already tell that this time around, it's a lot different. This is the first time I feel like I don't want to let go. He made everything so perfect and now I find myself a little lost. I'm constantly questioning everything about myself- from my own self worth to my ability [or lack thereof] to trust people.

As of this moment, my self worth is fairing better than my ability to trust. If I never allowed myself to trust him, I wouldn't be in this position. I would still have my heart intact. I wouldn't be constantly conflicted with "what if's". My life would be just like it has always been. It's been almost a month since the last time I heard from him. He told me to never live in the past. Deal with things and move on. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm letting go now. I have my memories; from everything you said to me to how you held me. That's enough for me. I still love you and it still hurts, but there's always tomorrow. If you can let go so easily, so can I. I'm strong willed. I'm going to focus on myself now. I'm going to focus on finishing school; finding a job outside of Oregon; enjoying life; and possibly finding someone who makes me want to trust again. Before anything, I have to relearn how to trust myself again. I need to believe in my own heart that I'm making the right decisions in life.

I have one more thing to do relating to him and then he's nothing but the past. If he wants to find me, he knows how to. At least for now. I am going to try my best to not speak his name anymore. To not bring him up in random conversations. It has to be this way. It has to be like he never existed in my life to begin with.

I hope I have the strength to pull this off. Otherwise, I don't know what's going to happen to me.