Worse than being misunderstood is not being understood at all to begin with

All my life, I have not been able to go to my mom about anything. The relationship I had with her while growing up was strictly a parent/child relationship. We were not friends. We would not bond over anything. We had our roles and that is how it had to be. I remember there was one time when I decided I wanted a strong bond between us- like the bond my friends had with their moms.

In the eighth grade, I found out that some of my best friends were cutting themselves. This scared me and I tried to confront them about it. They told me that if i said anything to anyone, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. I made the choice to do the right thing. I made the choice to put the situation in the hands of someone who could ensure their safety. I told. And they were not my friends after that. I came home crying to my mom and told her all about it. I expected a comforting hug or words of encouragement, but all I got was "you shouldn't hang out with people like that." She could not understand why I was so sad. Or why I needed guidance. She did not understand me- her own daughther.

Earlier tonight, my mom called me. When I first told her about my engagement, she was not too thrilled about it. She said I was rushing into things and I was not thinking. I told her I knew what my heart felt and that it was wha I wanted. So tonight she asked me where Mike was. I had to tell her. I wanted to tell her.

I ended up telling her about everything. She tried to comfort me. She tried to tell me there would be other guys. She tried to tell me that I would eventutally forget about him. But the only thing that stood out was when she said "don't do anything stupid over this." Just saying that proves she doesnt' know me at all. I am a selfish person. If I were to harm myself, I know it would hurt more than just myself. I know I cannot do that to anyone. It just hurt to know that is what she thinks of me.

Mike and I .... are not working. I can feel it in my heart. I cry when I think about him. I cry when I talk about him. I just cry. I know he is hurting but so am I. I cannot fix this- especially by myself. And if he wanted to make this work, he would fight for me. He would have an opinion about something- anything. But he has given me nothing to go on. we are on a break now until he figures out what he wants. I'm waiting for him to figure it out. But in the meantime, I can feel everything that was there, just slipping away....

I feel like I'm losing this battle.