A dose of reality

I have discovered yet anothe flaw within myself. I thought I have realized enough of my own flaws over the years. I have continuosly beat myself up about everything. I am surprised I am still standing. I advise the people around me to realize their self worth. That they should not expose themselves to toxic individuals. That they deserve the best.I do not understand why I could never see those same traits in myself.


What I am trying to get at is...I cannot let go of the past. I have been hurt in the past and I guess I have never gotten past any of it. After so many years of burying my past,things just continue to build up. Sometimes, when I find myself sitting alone with my thoughts, those buried items find a way to seep through the cracks. A lot of things can trigger it- whether it is because I am feeling down about myself or even a song I am listening to. In this instance, HE hurt me SO badly I can still feel it sometimes. I just wish I understood why he had to treat me that way. How could he?

All I ever wanted was to be good enough- Good enough for someone to love. I just wanted to matter to someone...


Mike kind of dashed my hopes of getting married next summer. "There's so much to do before we can get married." I know he is right but I guess I wanted to feel like I could finally get the happy life I have always wanted. I was planning. I was so excited and happy. Now...I feel like maybe it will not happen. What if he "comes to his senses" like everyone else did?

What if he realizes that I don't matter?


All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

Chorus
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

Repeat Chorus

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need