Victim of a foolish heart

It's been much too long since I have sat down and taken the time to write something of substance in this journal. Absolutely no one I know realizes I have this one so I'm completely safe to write what I want. It's nice though because I made the mistake of informing some people about the url to this but thanks to blogspot, I was able to change my address so the link they may have saved is no longer valid. Pretty crafty right?

Jesse and I have been in an official relationship for oh, about two weeks as of today. If my relationship with S.M was a whirlwind, THIS one surely takes the cake. We've only known each other for three weeks and we are completely head over heels for each other. We met online [Which I know a lot of people in my life wouldn't understand or may even judge me for] and we have never met in person. We have been getting to know each other through lengthy phone calls, text messages, web cam dates [not like that!] and exchanging pictures. He truly makes me smile and feel cared for. He says the sweetest things to me and believes that I'm absolutely perfect for him. And I believe the same thing. He has said nor done anything that would make me doubt his intentions. I know this feeling. It's love. I honestly am head over heels in love with him. Trust me, I realize how crazy it sounds, but I can't help how I feel. Perhaps it's foolish for me to feel like this. Maybe I'm rebounding?

No, I'm not. Rebounding happened at the clubs over break. This is real. He is proving himself to be everything S.M was and wasn't. Focus on the Wasn't aspect. After a week of knowing Jesse, I started to think back on S.M. I don't know what I didn't think of it before, but the things he said to me were things NO ONE should ever have to hear. Especially from someone who claimed to love you. I was called everything from a whore to a "fucking cunt". Yeah, that's right. He called me that while in bed with me and then proceeded to claim he didn't remember doing it. I hate myself for being so naive to believe anything out of his mouth.

But this Jesse character. He makes me swoon. He treats me better than anyone I've ever dated. He cares more about me than his own self. He's constantly talks about the future with me. Engagements, marriage, families. He gives me hope that I deserve all of those things. He supports me in my goals as I do his. We wish we lived closer but he has never put that against me. He understands I need to finish school and that it's unfair to make me uproot my life just to have him deployed. He's selfless.

He's taking it upon himself to use his own money to fly me out to LA for a weekend. Pay for my hotel. Just to see me. I leave on the 20th until the 22nd. It just so happens to fall on our one month together. I'm growing increasingly anxious. I can't wait to know how it feels to be in his arms, to hug and kiss him. Just to look him in his eyes and tell him I love him. This could be the weekend that will change my life.

I think my problem with long distance relationships is that they work well for me. It takes away the pressure of having to question the motives of the other. He's not just trying to play me or get in my pants. I mean, he's over a thousand miles away! I do trust him and I honestly believe he's in this relationship for the right reasons. He has reaffirmed my faith in love and I really do feel like I'm blessed to have met him.

I haven't been this happy in awhile and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I suppose it's lame of me to say, but if I ever into SM again, I would take it in stride. I would show him that I did better and I am stronger than ever.

All I need is a true love and Jesse Neikirk might just be it.