Happily Ever Never

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be the princess who gets rescued by her prince charming. Granted I have grown up quite a bit, so my fairy tale ending might actually include being rescued on a motorcycle by your cliche good, bad boy, but the idea still stands. I want to be unconditionally loved. I want to meet that one man who will look at me in all of my flawed glory and still say that he loves me, while looking me in the eyes.

I think that's my problem. I hold onto these unrealistic expectations and when I meet someone who says all the right things, I fall for them. I constantly set myself up for having my heart repeatedly broken. I read into signs that don't exist. I become attached when there's really no reason to do so. I give myself, all of myself, when any guy shows me any amount of...charm. I get swept up in the possibility that maybe I could actually be that princess. Admittedly, I'm naive. I play into the games and traps that guys set out. They know my type and I'm their prey. 99.7% of the time, they succeed and I'm left licking my wounds.

The fact of the matter is, I don't think I can trust anyone with my heart. It's the one thing I have to call my very own. It holds my soul, my ambitions, my truth. I've been hurt so many times over [and for the most part, it's my own fault], I just don't know if I have it in me to do it all over again. I'm so afraid of setting myself up for failure when I do meet the right person. My own fear will be my downfall. I suppose in a sense, I am my own worst enemy. I figure the only person I have is myself. So why do I need to put myself in the line of fire again? And this is where the story gets a little difficult.

I'm in what I think is a relationship. No, it is a relationship. He asked me to be exclusive. I am head over heels for him. I'm in love with him. I care about him with everything I have...but something feels off. I don't know if this is me second guessing myself or maybe there's something more to it. He's younger than me by a little over two years. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he just wants the idea of having a girlfriend but not the serious nature of it. I want to be able to settle down soon. I want to start my life.

I want nothing more than to talk about all of this with him. I want to be able to sit and look into his eyes; just so I can read his expressions. I want to curl up next to him and have him hold me while I cry. Because crying right now, alone, is pathetic. I want to make sure this is real and he's in it for the long run. I can't help but fear that this is just another of those cruel tricks. It's been three days since I last heard his voice. Apparently his phone broke and he can only text. But he doesn't even do that anymore. Our relationship is hard enough as it is due to the distance, but now that we don't have our nightly phone conversations, I feel as though I'm losing him.

But what if I'm not and it's my mind playing tricks on me? Have I really become so scared of being happy that I can't even allow the possibility? People tell me I deserve the best. That my kind heart is priceless. But why don't the people I fall for see that? Why do I continuously get my heart broken? I wish I was still the same girl who was new to the dating world. The girl who would date and feel with abandon. I miss her. I would give anything to be able to hold on to who I used to be.

"If a guy is into you, he will make it happen. He will call. He will ask you out. He will do everything and anything to make you his."

So now it's a waiting game. Is he going to make it happen? My heart tells me to stay but it aches in the process. My mind tells me to run. I don't know what to do.