Standstill

Seeing your name on my caller i.d. made me freeze in my tracks. Variations of "oh my god" swam through my already muddled head. I muster enough courage to force out a simple "hello" and waited for the unknown. You asked me how life was- about school, friends, family. You sounded sincere in your questions as I did in mine. We were never good at the small talk, so the conversation was strained. I felt like there was more to what you wanted to say but you wouldn't get into it. I wish you did.

For such a short length of time, my mind raced with everything I wanted to tell you. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice, seeing your face. But I held it all back. you left me. I don't know what to do about this. I feel as though I'm trapped underwater. i can't lift my head up and there's no one at my side to help me. You did this to me

Just 9 minutes of talking to you has uprooted my life more than I need it to be. I have spent so much energy trying to bury the feelings I still have for you. I've tried my best to move on and hide my tears. I haven't rebuilt my trust in others or regained my confidence yet, but there has been progress. And now...that's all shot to hell.

Allow me to be petty, but weeks of being together you never bothered to change your status. Girls would continue to hit on you thinking you were single. You told me you never think about changing it because you're only there to talk to friends. Well I saw it today. You changed it. You're in a relationship with some one else. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me it's your ex fiance. My mind agrees. My heart? Well it aches a little. I thought you two were just friends. You made it seem like there wasn't a way for you to get back together with her- especially after just two weeks of us being apart. I remember you neglecting to tell me she was your best friend- until the night we broke up. I can't bring myself to trust you about anything anymore.

Why did you even bother calling me? I should be nothing to you. You shouldn't think of me anymore. You shouldn't want to hear my voice. I didn't matter back then and I shouldn't matter right now. I'm not saying I'm just going to stop missing you. Or stop caring. You are constantly on my mind and I am sitting on pins and needles until you are deployed. After you leave, I will be praying for your safe return. I'm still terrified beyond belief about you being in the line fire. But it's nothing you need to know. Please forget me.

Stop hurting me. Stop making me believe that our lives still intertwine with one another. We were never really together. It's hard now to even think you were in love with me. Because i loved you, Jesse. Truly and honestly. But in return I got nothing but you giving up. You took it upon yourself to do what you needed to do. My opinion wasn't included. I fought for us and you just left me there, crying. You told me not to call you. Not to talk to you. So I didn't. Then you decided you wanted to talk to me...I hope it made you feel better but it only broke me down more.