Nothing but Deception

It's the feeling where you know there's no right or wrong thing to do anymore. I chose my friends last night and it got me to a point where I knew I was having fun and branching out but I broke every rule my parents ever set for me. I wanted to live MY own life for once and I thought it would be fine. That they would finally see that I can go out with my friends and make it home okay, regardless of the time.

Guess what? I live in fucking reality and none of that happened. But hey, You're stuck with the decisions you make, right? In other words, "you've brought this on yourself". Someone I have known for about two days couldn't understand why I was so freaked out about the whole thing. He wouldn't let me go and you know what? I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go with the moment and make my decisions as they come. He made a point about how I'm old enough to live my life the way I see fit. That just because I am not at my parent's beck and call, I deserve any less respect. For the first time in awhile, I realized that I am completely terrified of my parents. I love them but the love is no where near as strong as my fear of them. How do you love someone you are scared of?

You can't.

I spend so much time trying to hide things that I start to forget that I really am 21 years old. I deserve to be who I am and experience life to the fullest. I deserve to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I deserve to be treated like someone with half a brain. After all of the yelling, guilt tripping, and questions, She had the audacity to say that she had always trusted me. That they can't stop me from doing something or going somewhere. That I could have called to say I wasn't coming home that night. When was that ever an option?! NEVER. Not once was I ever allowed to spend the night at someone's house. Even as a child! I always had a curfew. I get asked the 100 questions whenever I go out. Regardless of where I'm going or what I'm doing. They treat me like I'm some invalid. As though I'm unable to make decisions on my behalf.

As far as I know, they have never trusted me a single day of my life. I am the child that has to stay at home or not go out "too much". I'm not supposed to talk to boys or any other shit like that. How can they possibly think that they trust me? How could they have expected me to believe anything they say to me. They love me? Sure, but is it really worth it for them to love me if it feels this way?

I'm crying my eyes out right now. My heart aches and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel like I can't breathe. There's nothing I want from here. I'm tired. I'm devastated. I'm ready to let this go forever. No one understands any of this. No one understands why I feel this way. I'm just some mindless being in this house. I'm not their daughter. I'm their fucking property.

I guess I brought it on myself. Maybe I'm just your average selfish bitch.