Living in the Past

It is not uncommon for someone to say "Learn from your mistakes". I mean, that's really the only way for someone to grow was a person, right? You're supposed to be able to embrace all of your decisions and decide what your identity is.

I honestly believe that it is important to understand someones past in order to understand their present. But I don't think it is necessary for someone to expect people to change when they meet someone. It's unrealistic to demand that someone forget their past experiences and start completely fresh with someone new. Everything people experience in life contributes to a person's character- it adds to who people are. I think people need to accept people for who they are, regardless of whether the characteristics are good or bad. It should be up to both parties in the relationship to determine if they are willing to accept and embrace each other for who they are.

Last night, I was enjoying a nice, late night conversation with someone when a certain issue came up. I was not aware that it was an issue- I especially did not think it was an issue to our relationship. He constantly tells me that he's giving me a complete 100 percent effort in making our relationship work. It's not to say that I'm not trying, because as far as I know, I am trying with all of my heart to make it work as well. It's my first real, long distance relationship and I know it's exactly who I'm supposed to be with. Our conversation started out being the usual disgustingly sweet banter we usually have but then it took a turn for the...different...

He made a comment about how cautious I am about telling him what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling about something. I have only know him for less than a month and I have opened up to him quite a bit, but I don't think it's enough for his liking. He does not believe in secrets and I don't either, but I don't think it's possible for someone to know absolutely everything about another person. People only know what others allow them to know. Anyway, I told him that the reason for my constant cautiousness was a result of the past relationships and trust issues I've had in the past. I've fallen for guys in the past who have either disappeared on me or just trampled on my heart. I also had "friends" that have betrayed me when I thought I could trust them with my world. He shot back with how unfair it was for me to make him pay for all the mistakes of my past relationships. He said that I should figure it out and deal with the everything and then call him. To me, it sounded like an ultimatum. To me, it sounded as though he wanted me to change who I am or lose him.

I haven't been in very many relationships in my life time. But for the few that I have experienced, well, let's just say they did not end well. Because of the issues that arose during those relationships, I have developed a cautious approach to dating. I find it difficult to trust people and open up to people. I just want to avoid putting myself into situations where I might have to relive one of those not so happy moments again. As a result of becoming so cautious, I guess it makes it a lot harder for me to allow others to really get to know me and my feelings.

I do understand where He was coming from. I realize it is not fair for me to hold him to things that others have done to me in the past. I honestly don't try to, but I find it difficult to stop myself from thinking about it. I know I don't need to talk to those past guys again to figure things out. I have dealt with all of that stuff and I've moved on. But that doesn't mean I can just forget about things I have experienced in my life. Try as I might, I just can't. I've always been fairly good at forgiving people and moving on, but I've never, ever forgotten when someone has hurt me.

I can't change how I deal with things, but I want Him to understand that rather than assume I'm not trying to be a good girlfriend. It's not my fault I have had bad past experiences. But I guess I just want him to be the one to make me see that there's so much good out there in the world.