Friendship

Usually when someone chooses to ask me what I value most in my life, I'm sure they expect me to say that I value the roof over my head or the clothes off my back. But regardless of how much those things do matter to me, I value something else much more. When I think about my life- specially where I am now and how I got here- my mind comes back to the friends I have [or had] throughout my life. I am who I am because of the people I encounter in life. Whether they were good people or bad, they effected me in one way or another. I understand that society and my surroundings all play a part in forming who I am, but I believe my friends have a direct connection to me and what I adapt as my own character. My parents may have raised me but they are not always around to watch me grow- my friends are.

For as long as I can remember, I have valued the aspect of friendship above all else. I realize many would not understand why family is not at the top of my list, but that would be easily understood if anyone actually knew me for me. As much as I love my family, I understand that there are many things about me that they would not understand, or rather, they would not want to understand. I know who they want me to be. But my friends understand who I really am. It's a slight but life changing difference.

I remember how important it was when I younger, to have a large group of friends. It was important to be well liked and always have someone to sit with at lunch. Quantity was so much more important than quality back then. Now that I'm older, I have learned that quality matters more than anything else. Especially when determining who my friends are. As the years go on, I find myself growing distant from certain friends and forming stronger, closer bonds with others. I really only have a few friends- in fact, I can count them all on one hand. This might have bothered me when I was younger, but now I know that's all I need. Many people don't understand the difference between "Friend" and "Acquaintance".

* A Friend is someone who will be always be there for you. Someone who will sit in silence while you cry about something/anything. Someone who will be the one person laughing with you when you trip over something in front of a crowd of people. The few people in my life who will always be there for me when I need them and not just when they feel like it. They will always love and accept me for the person I wish to become and the person I currently am. They are family. They are someone you [I] would give my life for. They are the reason I live and breathe at this moment.

*An Acquaintance is someone who will be there for you when it's convenient for them. Someone who knows that you're weird, but does not know WHY you are that way. Someone who feels like you are easily replaced by the next "cool" person they meet.

I value the few friendships I have in my life because I know how rare they are. These people have stuck with me through the good and the bad, and quite frankly, they have stuck it out with me for a lot longer than I ever expected. And for that, I am so completely thankful. I am so far from perfect it's almost hilarious. But regardless of any faults I have or any mistakes I make- They are always by my side and in my heart.

With that being said, I am completely in awe of how easy it is to have this one, most important aspect of my life, taken away by some "higher" reasoning. Whether it be distance, a falling out, or death; it still feels awful. I have spent years cementing certain friendships which lasted to this day, while others fell apart during the process. I can never understand why things happen the way they do. One day two people could be the best of friends and then something snaps and everything is gone. As much as any boy could hurt me, losing a friend hurts more. Trust me, I have had my experience in this field. Looking back on things, I can honestly [and sadly] say that I have lost two real friends. I remember both of them. I remember when I discovered we were not friends anymore. The pain; the tears; the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It still eats away at me because I do think about them still. I remember the good and block out the bad. Although I lost them both, they are still apart of me. They helped make me who I am. And I'm grateful for that.

I guess the reason for this entry is because I fear I'm in the position to lose another one [friend]. I don't think I can afford to lose this one. We've been through a lot in the past four years, but for some reason, I think they are already letting go. I guess I will never understand how things happen the way they do. I don't understand why something SO important to me can be taken away like I don't deserve it. I have a lot of questions that will never be answered. I won't understand. But until the day I do, I suppose I can do nothing but keep moving on and hope for a new friendship somewhere a long the way. A new friendship that will prove to me that things really do happen for a reason.


Peace. Love.