It's rare to have someone tell you that you are able to make them care about things. Earlier today, my boyfriend had mentioned that I actually make him care about things he would not normally care about. Or rather, he never really gave much thought into what other people thought or felt. I thought it was strange to hear this because everyone has to care about something, right? I mean, I do understand you really should not care about what society thinks as a generalized idea but it is rather important to take some things into consideration.
For the most part, I believe that most people are not comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and/or concerns because it might make them weak in the eyes of the public. This is usually seen in males, mostly due to the idea that they are supposed to be "manly" rather than "soft". I am fairly certain we can blame societal standards for this one. But it is not just guys who are guilty of hiding feelings. Of all things I understand the concept of feeling the need to hide things. I was raised to do as I was told; to not ask questions and do what I need to in order to get through life. And now, at the good ol' age of 21, I still hold back things.
I suppose the reason for why I do this is because I hate it when people worry about me. I don't think they have a reason to be. I hate crying in front of people because I think it makes me look weak. I hate talking about my problems because I don't want people to want to try to help me. I figure if I have a problem, I should be able to get myself out of it.
Characteristically I worry about people a lot. Especially if they are constant factors in my life. My friends and family know this first hand and I think they appreciate it. So much can't be said when it comes to relationships, because hey, what guy want to know that some girl is worried about their well being? Oh yeah, the ones that disappeared on me...haha...okay that was a silly tangent that needs to revisited on another day.
But with that being said, I am still the girl who feels a little pang of concern when I see a child running and then falling on the sidewalk; regardless of whether I know them or not. When I see that my friends are upset, I usually worry about their well being. I can't help it.
I guess all of my emotions can be chalked up to my being a girl, but I really hope society still has a heart. It is nice to be independent and understand that it is sometimes more important to live for yourself than others, but it is also relevant to show compassion toward others.
I guess this whole thing was a huge tangent. But my point is that my boyfriend now cares about people [and me]. I guess I can help better people =]
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
You give me butterflies
It's official. You are easily the sweetest guy I have ever met. Or rather the sweetest guy that has seen something worthwhile in me. You have the ability to make me smile regardless of what I'm doing or where I am. I look forward to our lengthy phone conversations every night or the random text messages. I love that you care what I think and that you let me worry about you. Like I told you before, I love being the exception in your life.
You say that I'm your favorite. You say that you can't get enough of my voice when we're on the phone. You say that you're lucky to have met me.
For everything you have done for me, I say thank you. Thank you for being so sweet and for seeing the good in me. I know our situation is far from easy, but I don't want to let you go. I want this to work.
I have no idea what you're doing to me. But I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. =]
You say that I'm your favorite. You say that you can't get enough of my voice when we're on the phone. You say that you're lucky to have met me.
For everything you have done for me, I say thank you. Thank you for being so sweet and for seeing the good in me. I know our situation is far from easy, but I don't want to let you go. I want this to work.
I have no idea what you're doing to me. But I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. =]
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Penny for your thoughts
You can never tell how much a person is hurting just by looking at them.
Because there are no scars or wounds, does not mean they are not hurting.
Sometimes the strongest hold everything inside in fear of what
others may think. Some view it as a break in character.
You never know how many empty shells there are walking around you every day.
And you never know which one of those shells are cracked beyond repair.
It's the hidden, silent pain that breaks a person down. It kills them slowly,
from the inside out. It's the silent suffocation of what they believed was real.
It's the end of a person's soul; the end of everything they wanted to be.
There are not enough kind words to soothe over these invisible wounds
but the hope that some day, these people will escape into the dark
keeps the hope alive.
Because there are no scars or wounds, does not mean they are not hurting.
Sometimes the strongest hold everything inside in fear of what
others may think. Some view it as a break in character.
You never know how many empty shells there are walking around you every day.
And you never know which one of those shells are cracked beyond repair.
It's the hidden, silent pain that breaks a person down. It kills them slowly,
from the inside out. It's the silent suffocation of what they believed was real.
It's the end of a person's soul; the end of everything they wanted to be.
There are not enough kind words to soothe over these invisible wounds
but the hope that some day, these people will escape into the dark
keeps the hope alive.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Seattle Super Sonics, definitely no more
So I guess it is official. The Seattle is down one professional sports team and Oklahoma is up one. I still can't believe they moved the Sonics. I didn't think it was a good idea when they did it and I still don't. I wonder what the Sonic fans are going to do now, but I think it has a lot to do with the players. Gotta support them, right?
But I was updating myself about the sports world while reading Espn.com this morning and I read about the unveiling of the new team name and logo. The Oklahoma Thunder[s]? Yeah, I hate it. What kind of name is that?
But I was updating myself about the sports world while reading Espn.com this morning and I read about the unveiling of the new team name and logo. The Oklahoma Thunder[s]? Yeah, I hate it. What kind of name is that?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Everyone has a little bit of faith
Growing up, my parents often told me that I was Buddhist. I never really got an explanation about being Buddhist was really about. I was just told that it was something I had to be apart of. I can remember my parents taking my brother and me to the Temple a few times, but the older we got, the less often we were there. I suppose it has a lot to do with my parents not being too religious, but I figured if they were going to tell me that I am part of religion, they would at least try to teach me more about it. As I grew older, I started to learn more about the other religions of the world. I learned bits of information about Christianity and Catholicism from my friends. I realized that there were aspects of both that I believe in, as well as aspects stemming from Buddhism. And the more I learned about religion, the more I found myself relating to the broader aspects of them. I guess I managed to accept that people are allowed to believe what they want as long as it made them happy.
It is quite understandable why the topic of religion is so taboo in our society. Because the United States is considered such a large "melting pot", society is exposed to all aspects of the world. As a result, people are sometimes thrust into a religious world they know nothing about. Equality of any kind [whether it is race, gender, sexuality, or in this case, religion] has been something that people constantly seek but have yet to reach a compromise about. For some reason society has found it difficult to see that things do change over time and as a result, ideals and concepts formed in the past might have to change as well. Change really isn't a bad thing. It's more of a social compromise to keep the peace and better the our lives.
With all of the previous being said, the reason for why I'm writing this post is because of someone I went to high school with. She and I have never been really close but we have somewhat kept in touch these past few years. I realized that as time went on, She became more and more religious. She discovered something she felt passionately about and I am really grateful for that due to the troubles she was experiencing in her life. But lately her passion has gotten out of hand. She and I are mutual "friends" on both facebook and livejournal so we get updates when either of us publishes something on our respected sites. She has been posting quotes from the Bible and videos taken from church sermons. I'm ultimately fine with that but lately, her posts have been offensive. She has made comments about things from how Mormons don't believe God to how homosexuality is one of the worst traits out there. She has received comments about them and people are hurt, angry and just completely appalled that she could write/post something of such a nature. And quite frankly so am I.
She's a kind girl. But I don't understand how someone could allow themselves to be so close minded about things, especially in this time in our society. People have been struggling for mutal acceptance for as long as people can recall. People are different and as a result they have different outlooks on life. And it's really up to the people to be open minded enough to accept that. You are able to have faith and be passionate about anything but it's not right to force your ideals upon someone else.
It's one thing to feel strongly about something but it's not right for someone to force their views on someone else. Just because two people don't/can't agree on something doesn't make one of them wrong. It makes people different from one another. Needless to say, it is a very thin line and it is easy to cross. I do think She has crossed this. But oddly enough, she doesn't care. She's proud of having people being angry about her posts. She thinks it's the right way to spread the message of God. That in itself is wrong. It's not the way religion is supposed to work. At least I don't think God or Buddha or any other God would have wanted something like that.
When I think about religion, I think of something that allows people to have faith in and be passionate about. I highly doubt religion was created to divide people because of their differences. I also doubt that it was created as a means to point out who is good and who is "bad".
I have never had a problem with people having different beliefs than myself, so that is completely not the issue. I figured if I had something to say about religion, this would be the place to do it. I highly doubt anyone is offended by what I wrote, but if you are, I sincerely apologize for doing so.
And with that, Peace. Love.
It is quite understandable why the topic of religion is so taboo in our society. Because the United States is considered such a large "melting pot", society is exposed to all aspects of the world. As a result, people are sometimes thrust into a religious world they know nothing about. Equality of any kind [whether it is race, gender, sexuality, or in this case, religion] has been something that people constantly seek but have yet to reach a compromise about. For some reason society has found it difficult to see that things do change over time and as a result, ideals and concepts formed in the past might have to change as well. Change really isn't a bad thing. It's more of a social compromise to keep the peace and better the our lives.
With all of the previous being said, the reason for why I'm writing this post is because of someone I went to high school with. She and I have never been really close but we have somewhat kept in touch these past few years. I realized that as time went on, She became more and more religious. She discovered something she felt passionately about and I am really grateful for that due to the troubles she was experiencing in her life. But lately her passion has gotten out of hand. She and I are mutual "friends" on both facebook and livejournal so we get updates when either of us publishes something on our respected sites. She has been posting quotes from the Bible and videos taken from church sermons. I'm ultimately fine with that but lately, her posts have been offensive. She has made comments about things from how Mormons don't believe God to how homosexuality is one of the worst traits out there. She has received comments about them and people are hurt, angry and just completely appalled that she could write/post something of such a nature. And quite frankly so am I.
She's a kind girl. But I don't understand how someone could allow themselves to be so close minded about things, especially in this time in our society. People have been struggling for mutal acceptance for as long as people can recall. People are different and as a result they have different outlooks on life. And it's really up to the people to be open minded enough to accept that. You are able to have faith and be passionate about anything but it's not right to force your ideals upon someone else.
It's one thing to feel strongly about something but it's not right for someone to force their views on someone else. Just because two people don't/can't agree on something doesn't make one of them wrong. It makes people different from one another. Needless to say, it is a very thin line and it is easy to cross. I do think She has crossed this. But oddly enough, she doesn't care. She's proud of having people being angry about her posts. She thinks it's the right way to spread the message of God. That in itself is wrong. It's not the way religion is supposed to work. At least I don't think God or Buddha or any other God would have wanted something like that.
When I think about religion, I think of something that allows people to have faith in and be passionate about. I highly doubt religion was created to divide people because of their differences. I also doubt that it was created as a means to point out who is good and who is "bad".
I have never had a problem with people having different beliefs than myself, so that is completely not the issue. I figured if I had something to say about religion, this would be the place to do it. I highly doubt anyone is offended by what I wrote, but if you are, I sincerely apologize for doing so.
And with that, Peace. Love.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I want to save the world, one child at a time.
Just when I think I have things in my life [relatively] figured out, some random curve ball is thrown my way. I usually fair pretty well when this happens but for some reason it did not go the way I thought it would. Let's just say this time around, I did not hit it out of the park.
I have spent the last couple of days in almost pure seclusion due a mutual game of the silent treatment combined with trying to avoid my family. With all of this extra time and silence on my hands, I have found myself constantly trying to rethink my life. I have given a lot of thought to how I want to live my life in the future- such as what I want to do for a living and where I want to relocate to. But on the other hand, I haven't come to a decent decision to what I want my life to be right now. I think it's more realistic to think in the present sense rather than the future but for some reason I find that more difficult.
The main thing I've given a lot of thought about has been about my family. I think it's time for me to move away from them. To slowly phase myself out of their lives. I don't know if I can bring myself to cut off all ties but I do know distance will do us a lot of good. So we'll see if I can gather enough courage to do just that.
That's all I need to make it through the tough times and whatever life throws at me- courage. I think I'll be okay.
Peace. Love.
I have spent the last couple of days in almost pure seclusion due a mutual game of the silent treatment combined with trying to avoid my family. With all of this extra time and silence on my hands, I have found myself constantly trying to rethink my life. I have given a lot of thought to how I want to live my life in the future- such as what I want to do for a living and where I want to relocate to. But on the other hand, I haven't come to a decent decision to what I want my life to be right now. I think it's more realistic to think in the present sense rather than the future but for some reason I find that more difficult.
The main thing I've given a lot of thought about has been about my family. I think it's time for me to move away from them. To slowly phase myself out of their lives. I don't know if I can bring myself to cut off all ties but I do know distance will do us a lot of good. So we'll see if I can gather enough courage to do just that.
That's all I need to make it through the tough times and whatever life throws at me- courage. I think I'll be okay.
Peace. Love.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Nothing but Deception
It's the feeling where you know there's no right or wrong thing to do anymore. I chose my friends last night and it got me to a point where I knew I was having fun and branching out but I broke every rule my parents ever set for me. I wanted to live MY own life for once and I thought it would be fine. That they would finally see that I can go out with my friends and make it home okay, regardless of the time.
Guess what? I live in fucking reality and none of that happened. But hey, You're stuck with the decisions you make, right? In other words, "you've brought this on yourself". Someone I have known for about two days couldn't understand why I was so freaked out about the whole thing. He wouldn't let me go and you know what? I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go with the moment and make my decisions as they come. He made a point about how I'm old enough to live my life the way I see fit. That just because I am not at my parent's beck and call, I deserve any less respect. For the first time in awhile, I realized that I am completely terrified of my parents. I love them but the love is no where near as strong as my fear of them. How do you love someone you are scared of?
You can't.
I spend so much time trying to hide things that I start to forget that I really am 21 years old. I deserve to be who I am and experience life to the fullest. I deserve to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I deserve to be treated like someone with half a brain. After all of the yelling, guilt tripping, and questions, She had the audacity to say that she had always trusted me. That they can't stop me from doing something or going somewhere. That I could have called to say I wasn't coming home that night. When was that ever an option?! NEVER. Not once was I ever allowed to spend the night at someone's house. Even as a child! I always had a curfew. I get asked the 100 questions whenever I go out. Regardless of where I'm going or what I'm doing. They treat me like I'm some invalid. As though I'm unable to make decisions on my behalf.
As far as I know, they have never trusted me a single day of my life. I am the child that has to stay at home or not go out "too much". I'm not supposed to talk to boys or any other shit like that. How can they possibly think that they trust me? How could they have expected me to believe anything they say to me. They love me? Sure, but is it really worth it for them to love me if it feels this way?
I'm crying my eyes out right now. My heart aches and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel like I can't breathe. There's nothing I want from here. I'm tired. I'm devastated. I'm ready to let this go forever. No one understands any of this. No one understands why I feel this way. I'm just some mindless being in this house. I'm not their daughter. I'm their fucking property.
I guess I brought it on myself. Maybe I'm just your average selfish bitch.
Guess what? I live in fucking reality and none of that happened. But hey, You're stuck with the decisions you make, right? In other words, "you've brought this on yourself". Someone I have known for about two days couldn't understand why I was so freaked out about the whole thing. He wouldn't let me go and you know what? I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go with the moment and make my decisions as they come. He made a point about how I'm old enough to live my life the way I see fit. That just because I am not at my parent's beck and call, I deserve any less respect. For the first time in awhile, I realized that I am completely terrified of my parents. I love them but the love is no where near as strong as my fear of them. How do you love someone you are scared of?
You can't.
I spend so much time trying to hide things that I start to forget that I really am 21 years old. I deserve to be who I am and experience life to the fullest. I deserve to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I deserve to be treated like someone with half a brain. After all of the yelling, guilt tripping, and questions, She had the audacity to say that she had always trusted me. That they can't stop me from doing something or going somewhere. That I could have called to say I wasn't coming home that night. When was that ever an option?! NEVER. Not once was I ever allowed to spend the night at someone's house. Even as a child! I always had a curfew. I get asked the 100 questions whenever I go out. Regardless of where I'm going or what I'm doing. They treat me like I'm some invalid. As though I'm unable to make decisions on my behalf.
As far as I know, they have never trusted me a single day of my life. I am the child that has to stay at home or not go out "too much". I'm not supposed to talk to boys or any other shit like that. How can they possibly think that they trust me? How could they have expected me to believe anything they say to me. They love me? Sure, but is it really worth it for them to love me if it feels this way?
I'm crying my eyes out right now. My heart aches and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel like I can't breathe. There's nothing I want from here. I'm tired. I'm devastated. I'm ready to let this go forever. No one understands any of this. No one understands why I feel this way. I'm just some mindless being in this house. I'm not their daughter. I'm their fucking property.
I guess I brought it on myself. Maybe I'm just your average selfish bitch.
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