Overlooked

There are a select few in my life that know how I've met some of the guys I have dated. I'm not sure if I'm ashamed of it or not but I feel as though they wouldn't be willing to accept it as a possible truth. For the past few years I have been dabbling with online dating and for the most part, it hasn't been the awful experience many claim it to be. I signed up for True with the hope that I would be able to meet someone great- someone who I wouldn't have the ability to meet in real with otherwise. It allows two people to fall for each other without the outside complications. Which ultimately leads me to my problem.

The things I hear from guys on these dating sites are nothing I hear on an everyday basis. I've heard everything from how pretty I am or how intelligent I sound. They compliment me on exactly who I want to be. People approach me on there. I never get approached in real life. I constantly get asked why I'm still single and I always give them the same answer: "I just haven't found the right one yet." But really, I think I find the right ones and they end up burning me. Maybe it's not that they aren't the right ones. Maybe it's because I'm not the right one. If all of this guys on the dating site think I'm so great, than why don't the people I meet? What makes me so different on True and Match in comparison to who I am in real life?

I have had the pleasure of "meeting" the most amazing guys. They have been everything I've been looking for in my life. They have the traits that I think would work best with me. But yet they are always across the country. I have done the long distance twice now. The last one was against my better judgment and I have lost the desire to put myself in the position again. I realize there must be amazing guys where I live but it's not likely I'm going to cross paths with them. It's hopeless.

There's this one guy who I have been talking to for a few months. He is sincere and sweet. He takes care of his daughter and loves her more than anything in life. He's someone I could see myself being with. But the distance wasn't anything we wanted to deal with. We agreed there was a shared interest and it sucked that we couldn't do anything about it. I always knew he would meet something and his life would turn out the way he wanted it to. He sounded like he had doubts but I always knew. I found out today that he has found someone. He tells me she's a good person. I'm happy for him but yet I can't help but feel this twinge in my heart. I guess it's just one more good guy that's not available anymore. I don't think he and I will be talking anymore. New girlfriends don't tend to like that.

I'm so scared there's just something about me that people don't like. Something where guys know they don't want to end up with me. Jesse already has moved on. I guess an ex fiance never should have been an ex to him. Josh found someone close by. If for some reason Seth comes back from deployment and falls in love with some fantastic girl over there, my life would be complete. I don't understand why it's so easy for the people I fall for to find their perfect someone. Do I really not deserve the chance? Can I not be the girl that great guy falls for in the end?

They say to not let your past lead your future...but what if that's all I have? What if my past is really all I have to rely on with my life? Maybe I'm not meant to find the one that makes my knees weak. The one who brings a smile to my face just by the sound of their voice. I'm tried of wallowing in my self pity. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I can't pull myself out of this rut. I'm tired of blending into the shadows. I'm tired of constantly being overlooked.

Sometimes I feel like screaming out at the top of my lungs, "I fucking exist too!" Look at me!!!

If this is how it's supposed to be, this is not the life I want. I still believe I deserve more than what I've been given. If that makes me selfish than I guess I'll have to live with that. Because I have nothing else to hold on to anymore.