I just want to be a kid...

I am at the point in my life where I know I cannot afford to continue acting like a child. I have responsibilities to hold myself to. I am really expected to do something with me life. I suppose when considering my age I am already an adult but I feel as though becoming an adult will officially start when I graduate with a degree. Then my life will be about finding a job and being able to support myself- without the aid of my family and or parent.s

I think this upcoming entrance into adulthood should scare me but for some reason, I feel like it is perfectly natural. I do not feel worried about having to make ends meet and focus on my life finanically. I do not feel nervous about pledging my love to Mike for the rest of my life. Overall, I just feel as though the rest of my life (and how it turns out) is just a long time coming.

Ideally, my life would be completely planned out. At least with regards to the big things like my career, having a home and a family, etc. I want to finish school. Find a job. Save up enough money to move in with Mike and then of course get married. Then before I turn 30 I hope to have my first child and then continue working. Hopefully somewhere not too far down the line, I would like to have a second child or even adopt one. Then the rest of my life will be dedicated to loving my family and living my life in the way that makes me the happiest.

Personally, I think this is plan sounds completely reasonable but I know it is not realistic to believe that my life will unfold according to this plan. In fact, I know that there will be major challeneges and one of those life goals might not even happen. But I think the main thing that is keeping me fighting for this ideal life is my faith- my hope.

Perhaps if I want it so badly, it will happen?

Oh really, now?

I have recently discovered that I can be a resentful person. Perhaps even subtley/passively vindictive. I guess I carry on a more peaceful front when around people but if someone were to wrong me, I have it in my right mind to give them a piece of their own medicine. With that being said, I do not resent very many people. Perhaps at one time, there was Charisza. And then Seth. But not both at once.

I think I do eventually get over whatever the other person did BUT it takes a long time. The other person never regains their place in my good graces.

I guess this might make me a bad person, but I believe strongly in treating people the way I want to be treated. If I wanted people to treat me like a bitch, I would be a bitch to everyone. But hey, I do not act that way and in return, people do not treat me as one. But if they do and I know with all honesty that I do not deserve it, I will retailiate. If you treat me poorly in any way, I will, and I promise, I WILL LET YOU KNOW.


People should never underestimate what they do not know. Especially when it comes to underestimating me.

Just around the corner

The end of the year 2009 is just around the corner. Around this time each year, I sit down and reflect on what has happened in the past 12 months. I visit last years' entry and I just think. So much has happened this year and as always, it has been a mix of the good and the bad. Regardless, I am forever thankful I was alive to witness it all.

I remember last year quite well. I experieced my first real heart break and I was completely devastated. I swore that I would not involve myself in any romantic relationships as a result of my feelings of betrayal. As 2009 started, I found myself slowly regaining my inner strength. Life became less bleak and I continued on with my life. Once I felt comfortable enough, I reentered the online dating scene and found myself becoming acquainted with Jesse, in California. We hit it off and decided a long distance relationship was a good idea. Turns out, it was a terrible idea. He was not ready to be in any type of relationship and at the expense of my feelings, I came to the realizaton that he just needed someone to care and pretend to care for. He is not a bad person. I honestly wish it did not end on such a bad note. I would not mind being friends with him but I do not think he is mentally nor emotionally ready. He seems to be seeking something more serious- something more for himself. I do wish him well.

Regardless, I did not take this so called break up well. I think it hurt more because after Seth, I really did believe the kind words Jesse would tell me. Match.com led me to Michael from Bend. We neve met but had some great conversations. It was plesant but I could never see myself making a strong effort to going out to Bend to see him. He was younger but much more realistic in thought than Jesse was. But nevertheless, Michael was still (scarily) immature. I do not want to associated with any type of drugs, nor do I condone drinking and wreckless driving. I do not need cheap and stupid thrills.

As bleak as those two stories sound, my life did a complete 360 when I went home for spring break. During one of my sleepless nights, I found myself looking around on okcupid.com and I received a message from someone. As late as it was, we ended up chatting for hours and exchanged numbers. I was excited to talk to him. We randomly ended up meeting two days later on March 24th. Why is this date so important? Well, it was the day I met the man I am going to marry.

Michael Lee Rodney. The one man I have met in my life that treats me like gold. But yet still like an equal. He believes in me. He supports me. He loves me regardless of my flaws. My scars are nothing to him. He claims they are my beauty marks. His words make me strive to be a better person for him. I love him with all of my heart and we are getting married. I have never been this happy. And I can confidently say that. He has never given me a reason to doubt how much I mean to him. And God willingly,he knows that I feel the same way about him.

My relationship with my family has gotten a lot better as of late. My brother and I are speaking again and it is nice that we can joke around again. We spent so much time being resentful of one another that I almost forgot how much I missed the good times. I think my parents are beginning to understand that I am my own person and I will do what I think and want to. Although there are still some rough patches here and there, I think it will be okay. Hopefully when I move back in with them in June, things will turn out well. I do not want to rely and be dependent on them for too much longer. I hope to find any job and start saving up as much money as I can.

School is going well. I honestly think taking a year off as the best thing for me. I know it set me back and I do regret it sometimes but overall, I did need the break. I needed time to breathe and understand the path I needed to take- not for my parents, but for myself. I am not meant to study biology. I need a more personal route. I have two more terms of school and then I will be walking during the spring graduation at Oregon State University for a BS in psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be moving back to Beaverton and finishing an online class before being offically done with my undergrad. I do not know what the future has in store for me but I am anxiously waiting for it. I can already sense my life changing. I hope I can stand on my own two feet and make something of myself. I hope I can make Mike and my family proud of me.

My social life has been going alright. I think I have been able to expand my circle a bit. Jackie and I are no longer close friends. I do not know if she is aware of this but I feel it. Living together has caused a lot of tension and because we are both so passive aggressive, nothing is getting solved, thus resulting in more tension. At this point, I do not want to make the next few months hellish so I will just deal with it to the best of my ability. I like being able to spend time with my friends without her there all the time. It has been a blessing to have friends like Andy, David, Dominique, Megan, and Anne to bail me out when I need it. I had a nice talk with Dia about my situation and she is (sadly) experiencing the same thing with her roommate. We decided we just do not think conflict is the best thing when people are bound to living together by contract. I guess money is a HUGE issue. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the people I do have in my life. The ones who stand by me through thick and thin. Those who do not pass judgement- but rather help me through things when I need their help. Those are the people I would walk to the ends of the earth for. They are the people who make me the person I am. They are the ones who make me strive to be stronger and better. I do not want to fail them.

With 2010 just around the corner, I feel as though I should be making a list of resolutions, but I think it is silly to feel obligated to make goals. It should be a year round activity. For the next year, I am going to work hard- at school, with love, with my family and friends, and with being the person I am intended to be.

Happy New Year to whomever is reading this. May this new year bring you nothing but joy and happy memories. May it bring you strength in order for you to accomplish what you wish to. Love your friends and family. Love those around you. And equally as important, remember to love yourself.

Peace. Love. Live.

Tis the season

It's the week of Christmas and it's pouring down rain outside. I have finished all of my shopping and wrapped everything. Actually, I have given all but two of my gifts to their rightful owners as a result of my lack of patience. I've baked numerous amounts of cookies and listened to Christmas music BUT even after all of that...


I don't feel like I have any Christmas spirit.


P.S:
nine months this Thursday :) ily

Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't usually like to use the holiday season as an excuse for reflecting on how thankful I should be for the things tha I have in my life. I should always be aware of that. Everyone should always be aware that they should be thankful for what they have. I have always loved the holiday season because I honestly believe people seem happier. Maybe it is because of the deocrations and lights. Maybe it is because you get to see family and friends who live far away. Regardless, there is something about this time of year where I just feel happier.

This year I am entirely thankful for my good friends. As always I have discovered and or rediscovered who my real friends are. They are the ones who treat me with respect. The ones who are there for me when I need support. They never place judgement on me. They have found something in myself in which they can accept and love. I could never ask for anything more than that. I have always valued the idea that it is not the quanity of friends you have, but rather the quality.

I am thankful for my family. I have to admit that we are not the closest bunch. But they raised me. We falter in creating a strong, close connection but when times become rough, they are right behind me. I am grateful they are still there.

I am thankful for Mike. I never believed I could find someone who would love me for all of the good and bad. I have never experienced a love like this and I would not trade it for the world. Spending the rest of my life with him would be my fairy tale ending.

Lastly, I am thankful for my life- school, daily experiences, and all of the opportunities I am able to partake in. I realize not everyone in the world can say this. I am lucky and I realize that. This is why I want to make my life about helping others. If I can make one person happy- or if I can better someone's life- it would be my small part to making the world a bit more embracing.



Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Be safe and love the people around you (and yourself!).

Neglected

Obviously writing in this journal is not a priority of mine. Especialy when the majority of my time is being spent on school work, with the fiancee, or bumming around. But I'm going to try to render that.


My life in pararaphs:

Mike and I are doing wonderfully. As of next week, we will have been together for 8 months. This is easily my most functional and happiest relationship of my LIFE. He somewhat proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, thus meaning we are now engaged. It is the prettiest ring and I am the luckiest girl. I do not know what I did to deserve someone as amazing as him. I have never dated anyone who had their actions match their words. I have no doubts when he tells me he loves me. I just hope I'm half as amazing to him.

School is becoming increasingly difficult. I'm struggling to keep it all together to move back to Beaverton at the end of June. I think it will be nice to start finding my way in life- even if my family is helping me. As much as I wish I could just move in with Mike, I know it is not realistic. I wish I did not need the money so much- otherwise I would stay in Corvallis and voluteer for CARVA. It is an amazing organization and I really think it would benefit me to work there, even if it is just volunteering. As of now, my post school plans involve living in Beaverton, finding ANY job to start saving, and really,reconnect with the people that matter.

My social life actually is going quite well. As always, I have lost a friend or two but no one too devastating. I can tell Jackie and I are not going to be friends for the long run. At least not good friends. Things were fine when we were not living together but two years later, I honestly feel like she is taking advantage of me. I'm currently restraining myself from cleaning the bathroom just to see if she will do it on her own. Two years and I can only count the number of times she has cleaned by herself (without my asking her) on one hand! It is getting out of hand. So far it has been two weeks without her cleaning. TWO WEEKS without cleaning the bathroom. Disgusting. But nevertheless, I'm passive and so is she. Thus meaning I stop talking to her in order to not 'flip the shit out' on her. How does she react? Take it as it is. She does not make an effort to solve anything. I saved her ass on Halloween night and all I got was a "thank you" and I got the wonderful privilege of cleaning up the bathroom AND her until 4am. Thank you.

Michelle is doing better. For the past month or so, she has really been struggling with her illness. Last month she was rushed to the hospitial after she stopped breathing. She actually died for a few moments. A few shocks later, she's alive again. That is the closest I have come to losing her. The feeling I had when my mom told me...words cannot even begin to describe it. She sounds so listless when I talk to her now. She's tired. I know she's tired, but is it selfish for me to want her to fight? She's in so much pain. She's not the same girl I met back then. I just hope she's doing this for herself...

Anyway, I'm so close to the end of this term. My birthday is coming up. I come home for Thanksgiving next week. I'm looking forward to driving back alone. I'm still searching for a job during winter break. I desperately need the money.

Eeeee!

So...it's going to be official in two weeks when I get to pick it up because it's currently being sized...BUT




I'm engaged. We bought the ring yesterday while out of town and I absolutely love it. I absolutely love my finance. :) We both know it is going to be a long engagement but nevertheless, we are going to be together. I cannot wait to start telling everyone that we are getting married!!!!!!!!!