Just breathe.

I am feeling in the groove with school right now. Have not really procrastinated with anything yet, but it is only the second week. I am actually sitting with nothing to do and it feels absolutely amazing.

I am exicted for the rest of the week. Lunch with Joey. Save the date party with Megan and Ashley. Weekend at home with family and Mike. Lunch with Sabrina. And only reading for homework. Woot!



That and it is that certain time of the month again. Why is that even relavent? Because...I was late. Scary stuff.

crazy?

I have been taking psychology courses since my senior year in high school. So roughly, 6 years worth of material. What have I learned?




Perhaps I need some therapy sessions to help me deal with myself.

A dose of reality

I have discovered yet anothe flaw within myself. I thought I have realized enough of my own flaws over the years. I have continuosly beat myself up about everything. I am surprised I am still standing. I advise the people around me to realize their self worth. That they should not expose themselves to toxic individuals. That they deserve the best.I do not understand why I could never see those same traits in myself.


What I am trying to get at is...I cannot let go of the past. I have been hurt in the past and I guess I have never gotten past any of it. After so many years of burying my past,things just continue to build up. Sometimes, when I find myself sitting alone with my thoughts, those buried items find a way to seep through the cracks. A lot of things can trigger it- whether it is because I am feeling down about myself or even a song I am listening to. In this instance, HE hurt me SO badly I can still feel it sometimes. I just wish I understood why he had to treat me that way. How could he?

All I ever wanted was to be good enough- Good enough for someone to love. I just wanted to matter to someone...


Mike kind of dashed my hopes of getting married next summer. "There's so much to do before we can get married." I know he is right but I guess I wanted to feel like I could finally get the happy life I have always wanted. I was planning. I was so excited and happy. Now...I feel like maybe it will not happen. What if he "comes to his senses" like everyone else did?

What if he realizes that I don't matter?


All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

Chorus
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

Repeat Chorus

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need

Week 1

The end of my first week of school this term is coming to an end. I only have one class tomorrow and it is only an hour long. I do not think that is anything to complain about. Although everyone is obviously busy with their own school obligations I was able to meet up with some of my friends this week for a bit. It was nice to be able to catch up, regardless of how long or short the time spent was. I think I was able to sit down and chat with at least six differently people! I should appreciate it now because I know things will become increasingly busy thus resulting in less friend time.

In other news, I have been choosing my words very carefully when I talk to my room mate. Actually, I prefer not to talk to to her at all because it tends to frustrate me. I have been stressed out about this living situation for some time now and only recently have been able to get some peace of mind. I go about my days doing what I need to do and actually doing things I like to do. It is nice. Besides, there are only 5 months left of living with her and then I will not have to deal with this anymore. It is a good "light at the end of the tunnel" situation. And frankly, I think this mindset works for me.

I have also discovered that when I find myself getting overwhelmed with school or life in general, talking about/planning our wedding actually puts my mind at ease. I think it is a great idea to get a head start on all of the planning. That way I can save up and know what needs to be done. I hate rushing! I have been looking at wedding venues that will double as a reception space and wow, it is ridicuously expensive! I'm looking at at least three thousand dollars just for the space (and maybe things like tables, chairs and linens)! That is a scary thought but those places are so beautiful. I have also found someone to take our engagement photos whenever we are ready for that. And it is free! Thank goodness for talented, great friends. I have chosen the wedding colors, member of my bridal party, and the maid of honor. The first dance song has also been chosen as well as the person who will be making our cake. The color theme for the wedding as also been chosen. So really, we are well on our way and I am growing increasingly excited. I am just eager to start our lives together.

Really, I am tired of falling asleep without him next to me. Or not having him here when I need a hug. Or when I want to tell him about something that happened.

I just miss him when he is gone. I guess that is love for you.

Smile

It is amazing how much things can change in such a short amoun of time. This time last year, I was completely heart broken. I was a few weeks away from "meeting" Jesse. School was picking up again and I did not see the end of the tunnel.

Now I am engaged. I graduate in the spring. Mike is unbelievable. So amazing.


Life is good.

School Oh School!

Today marked the first day of Winter term. Not only that, but it is the last Winter term of my undergrad career! I only had two classes today that were very spaced out. I do not think I have any reason to be stressed yet. But I also have two more classes tomorrow. I am registered for 5 credits less than I was last term so it can't be that bad, right?

It is not even 9 o'clock and I'm feeling tired. This may actually be a good thing since I have an 8am class in the morning. Yay for more psych classes.

School in the Morn'

Today was quite the boring day. Not exactly how I pictured spending my last day of winter break. But nevertheless, I think it was good to not do anything. I stayed up way too late last night thus leading to me being tired all day. I'm trying to get a good nights sleep tonight for class.

There was one benefit to not sleeping much last night- I was able to have a nice chat with my sister. It has been so long since we've talked and I finally got a chance to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids. I was also able to narrow down the colors for the wedding and look through the wedding dresses on David's Bridal. I think I found a style I really like but it is only available online. How lame is that? Hopefully they will have similar styles in the store for me to try on. I'm starting to grow increasingly excited to plan the wedding. I have some ideas on how to cut the wedding costs down.

Ah well it is getting late and I need to get in bed. Perhaps I will put in Lilo and Stitch again. :)